LOOK OUT LUCKY STARR

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Life has been fantastic I know it can’t last forever, but how I wish it could. Ever since my first gig with Rock Steady I feel as though life has taken a positive path. Serendipity lead me to Tyler who makes my heart skip a beat every time I see him. I quit working front desk at the HOJO which has made my life SO much more tolerable, still bartending the Tiki on the side. Went to the KQ92 Big Muddy’s gig with Royal bliss and had a wonderful night. Being swept off my feet has been a wonderful eye opener, reminding me that love should resemble sparks. Won Best personality at the Miss Louisa Pageant, and fell head over heels all over again. My bronchitis sucks but I managed to OWN in Oquawka. They Loved BOMBSHELL and I had a blast! I can’t wait to be back in Missouri this FRIDAY. LOOK OUT LUCKY STARR! XOXO

Don’t Judge Me

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I’m not being Reckless or self damaging. I’m simply having a good time in trustworthy company. So why do I feel like I’m being judged or looked down upon. I’m going away for a couple of days. I was under the impression you didn’t want me so, I’m off to start doing my own thing again. Which I’m enjoying greatly. I don’t really feel that well. but  It shouldn’t be a stressful time, and I should still be able to recover from the horrific cold while watching my Turner Classic Movies. It’s nice to find someone with the same weird old skool interests as myself. A fan of Humphry Bogart is hard to find around someone my age. I find the conversation bright, airy, and definitely different to watch I’ve come accustomed surrounding me lately. Sometimes you just have to travel out-of-town to meet new people.Graham was a real blessing today. I got really sick and he took the time out of this day off to take me to the doctor. I’m glad he is still being supportive and caring. I thought with him breaking up with me he was going to turn into an a*hole, but it hasn’t been case. It’s good to know I still have a good friend in him. I hope he feels the same.

Resentment

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So, you probably think I have no room to be mad. You knew this (My insecurity) was going to happen when we broke up. But seriously. We still share a bed, and last I knew were still doing the dirty. So while I’m judging the contest at Whitey’s your dirty dancing with some chick on the floor. Gotcha. I can deal. Thought you saw me make eye contact with you…. But no. Then you just ditch me there and leave me to go to her house and fuck some other bitch. So much for sharing a damn bed. And then just leaving me there. Fucking for real? I fell to my knees and bawled.. I’ve bawl all today as well. So as the big fuck you of the day. You came home with potato wedges thinking it will make up for something? Just to find me asleep in your brothers bed. Bam. Yes.. that just happened.

You never have to forgive me. I don’t want forgiven. I’m sure as hell not gonna forgive you. Rip out my heart and grill it on a skewer while you’re at it.

Don’t Love Him

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This is really awful, I know, but I just don’t love my boyfriend. We have been together a year now and I know he really loves me. I care for him greatly but I’m not physically attracted to him and generally only ‘go through the motions’ when we are intimate. Initially I thought I should find someone new but I have never found anyone who makes me feel this special, cared for and considered and don’t think I ever will.

Am I being selfish in lying to him? Or as I do really care for him is it Ok just to continue as we are? Can love grow? Or can life be lead without ‘love’ as such?