Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored Bored…. B. o . r. e. d.

Facebook is hateful. I look at your wall to see how your doing. Hoping your maybe as lonely as I am, But I’m wrong. You seem so happy. Now all I want to do is cry…

Sick Again????


What is up with me feeling like ass lately. I never feel well anymore. My throat is sore and I sound like a freakin frog. “ribbit” :P So interesting fact for the week. Monday I had Therapy and found out that I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD for like the past two years and had no clue. My response? “HA! well that explains a LOT!” And everyone agrees with me. No wonder i’m always lost. :P So now I’m supposed to write out a  daily routine and goal list and follow it religiously…. I guess we’ll see how that goes. I’ll post it when I finish. Also selling my awesome pageant dresses so I can pay off my lawyers. We bought them for like three to four hundred a piece so I’m hoping to get at lease 150 out of them. Lawyers are not cheap man. Even If I could sell them for what I paid for them, I would still owe my lawyers. I feel like I signed over my soul to satan :P So I don’t know what all my opitions are but the dress are rad as hell and I’m sad to part with them, but they are just sitting in my closet and I’m sure someone would love them as much as I do.

Friday’s gig at the Dugout kicked butt! Lots of people showed up which was awesome also considering there was quite a bit going on in town. My Oquawka crew came down to see us both nights and came to Missouri. We have officially named the crew the BOMBSQUAD! Gonna tell the boys to put that on of T-shirts! So funnY! we were all giggling over the idea. :) NOT To mention the guy in Taxi cab. SO FUNNY! Really made my weekend. Havent gotten to smile that much in awhile.

Sunday I stayed in bed all day and Monday I worked at the Tiki bar. It was a good night. Hung out with Patrick and his buddy, ended up running into my friend Curt Chads nephew. woop. Good times.  Today I’m working on that Daily routine thing, but Its not turning out as easy as I had hoped…

PSL Anyone got a spare hose???

Sherry’s In Oquawka


Sherry’s in Oquawka, you are such a bad influence on me. *Giggles* Love it. Freaking fun show last night, wish I didn’t have broncitis my voice kept going on me. Lame. I sound like a frog today. I lost my phone and everything else, made some friends, ran into some old ones. I am an awesome cook, though I always seem to cook in bulk. Not use to cooking for so few people, but my cooking owns. Thinking about Tyler a lot. Wish they would let me see him. They are keeping him in Fulton Missouri now. I don’t think I’ll ever find closure.

March 17 2011

  • Do you ever randomly hear a song that you haven’t heard in years and your like “Oh My GOD! I love this song! I completely forgot about this song!” Thats where I am right now, Obsessing over Meredith Brook’s I’m a Bitch. Cranking it and blaring it as loud as it can go lol

    11:22 PM

  • LONG>……….. weekend. Played both the Dugout and Froggies in one weekend. Really took it out of me. Can even hear me talk. :PWas a great time. Hung with some great people. Got to see friends I haven’t seen in a grip (Nik The Ninja). Drank but didn’t drink myself stupid… Can anyone say Holy S***? lol Three cheers for me! I’m so proud of myself. Think I’m gonna try keepin this up 10:56 PM

Wise vs Foolish Questions:


A wise man can learn more from a foolish question than a fool can learn from a wise answer. – Bruce Lee

Haven’t been sleeping well for awhile now. The dreams get worse and more consuming. I wish there was someone I could turn to who understood what I’m going through, but everyone I met has no clue. Its interesting the first time, then I become annoying “hence the obsession” I wish I could go back and take it all back, then again I don’t. If I hasn’t gone through this I’d still be that simple stupid Naive little blonde with no real concept of life or the world. I would take it back from all the troubles its causing, but I don’t feel as though I regret having gone through it. Obviously you think of me as one to be pitied, yet I’ve come to conclude that the average person is very simple minded and for that I pity you. So willing to settle and succumb to the daily average. Unquestioning. I on the other hand question everything.

“It is not enough to be busy. So are the ants. The question is: What are we busy about?” – Henry David Thoreau

I suppose my thoughts have raced and become more philosophical. The meaning of life, the concept of consciousness,
What is Man?
Where did we come from?
What is reality?
Why is there something rather than nothing? – Heidegger.
How should I live? What life or ideal should I live or die for? – Kierkegaard.
Prove to me that you are not figments of my imagination. – Solipsist.

How can it be determined that my experience of consciousness is the same as anyone else’s experience of consciousness?Can the existence of a god be proven or disproven? and really What would be the point of doing either? or How about Santa Claus and his invisible sleigh and reindeer ?


purpose – something set up as an object or end to be attained

Purpose of humans…. Tricky one. 

The idea of purpose pretends to the concept of having an objective to fulfill, your purpose of existence would be to attain that objective, or to fill a role in the grander scheme of things, that is, having a continuous purpose to be.

It’s hard to squeeze the word ‘purpose’ in because of causality principles. We can’t really tell if an action taken by an individual, a community of individuals, or even the whole humanity, has been taken to attain or to move closer to attaining said objective we’re purposed to reach since that said action is just an effect of a previous cause.

Continuing on cause-and-effect, having an Ultimate Purposewould mean all actions, starting from cellular level and straight up to humanity as a whole would mean that we’re walking on an already beaten path (some religious people would call this the Divine Plan). That would entice the idea of an initial cause that somehow magically triggered an insanely long series of effects and causes that ultimately leads to attaining said purpose. That is, if our purpose to be is to attain an end.

If we were to have a let’s say ‘continuous’ purpose to be, well … What would be my own personal purpose to be ? Or yours ? Or what was your great-great-grandfather’s purpose to be ? His actions were decided by his past experiences, desires and intentions. If there was a “purpose” (apart from the universal one, to reproduce) to his existence then how did his actions fulfill this purpose ? Did they at all ? Is our individual purpose fulfilled even if we have no idea what it is ? Then, is it fulfilled by chance ?

Moving on from individuals to the whole humanity, we could be biologically programmed to have a purpose, as a whole. Though again, it is hard to push the word ‘purpose’ into the equation without adding divinity too.

Let’s take bacteria. It lived on the earth for 3 billion years before more complex organisms were formed. Was there a purpose to that ? Later on when algae formed from said bacteria, would you say that its purpose was to enrich the atmosphere with oxygen so more advanced organisms will benefit from it ? Again, a thing like a “Divine Plan” is needed. Oxygen was needed by advanced organisms so algae photosynthesized it. But algae didn’t know more advanced organisms would need oxygen, so it couldn’t have had purpose in the true sense of the word, from its own point of view, it just evolved in response to the environmental conditions.

My guess would be our purpose is, like any living thing, to reproduce.

To have another purpose than that well … then something must give you a purpose at creation. If I am a shoemaker I make shoes and I make them with the purpose to sell them or wear them. Tools have purposes. Are we tools ? If we are tools and our creator gave us purpose, the purpose must have been coded in the DNA of the first cell. For all we know tomorrow an alien race will land on Earth and say “Glork”. That would trigger a reaction in our brains, turning all of us into slaves, the day after tomorrow we’d be in the alien army fighting their wars or on their lands growing their plants.

But if the first cell appeared by accident then … The result of an accident doesn’t really have any purpose. We’re alive, we have to stay alive, we have to reproduce. Isn’t it fun being alive ?



What I find to be the strangest question right now is why is it so difficult for me to find anyone who obsesses and questions these things as much as I do. And not in the since of my father who seriously irritates me with God is the answer period theory. No I want answers or at least more questions to deliberate. To ponder not to constantly butt heads over opinion but to have a serious moment to seek after truth.
Why is this too much to ask for?

Bright yellow highlighter


Just got done kickin some butt at Dance Central with the Lovely Lindy Marie, Draken played with Hot wheels, Pepsi guy helped me get a new License today, I can’t seem to  find any “Tyler” closure, but I did go grocery shopping. Hehe <— Highlight of my day :) Now how to figure out how to make my mothers cheese cake *giggles*

Not Your Type?


So I received a text message from Brandon in Missouri. He said the reason why Alex hasn’t hit me back was because I “Wasn’t His Type” WTF does that mean? Clingy and nice. At least I’m not a bitch like all his other ex’s. Oh well, he’ll regret it when I’m rockin the stage back at Froggies. God I have the worst luck with men. Oh well, hillbilly hick. Wonder what I did wrong even when I was mad I approached him clamly like an adult and I thought we left on wonderful terms, but there I go again being fooled. Men playing the game better than I do. What ever happened to honesty. Well, next i see him he will be confronted and I will let him know that once again I was disrespected and It is not appreciated. I have officially lost a lot of respect for him as well. On the other hand Terry Belcher wants me in Colorado with him. Said he loves me and he’ll take care of me. I guess we’ll see how life pans out. Saturday was another awkward day between Graham and I. This friends thing isn’t really working out, but not like I had thought it wouldn’t. Instead Graham has become repetitive  and boring always talking about his band this and his band that. I mean I talk about my band but that isn’t the only thing that consumes my life. I suppose I should be happy for him. Ugh… whatever. Alicia and Terry from Toolagy went with me also to the Bonnaville on Saturday which went really well. Karaoke contest and I got to Judge. Drummer from Dungeon Jeep won followed by Patrick and that girl in the red sparkled dress like Jessica Rabbit. Was a fun night and Alicia seemed to enjoy herself. Met up with Eric Barthalomew at Sams where we got drunk and I scored him a hotel room at the Howard Johnson so he didn’t have to drive home drunk. ***** Seriously in need of a new corset, this one Will Fay gave me is finally taking a shit. I think thats what I’m gonna ask for for my birthday. I guess Aaron will possibly be in for darts tonight with Mitchell Dill at the bar. I’m sure that will be awkward as always. Then again no one can blame me for being sick. My mother called and ranted at me about not helping dad pay off my debt, but god what do people really expect from me. I’m tired and stress and I’m not handling the murder thing well. I miss Tyler like crazy sociopath or not and Its weird that I feel bad for doing the supposedly “RIGHT” thing. Instead I feel like someone who sold out their best friend. Yet, what would have happened if I didn’t say anything. I wonder if he would have been able to get away with it all. Not having definite proof. Damn it. Why did have have to be so weak willed. If only I could have spoken to him once. Just to keep me strong, then again, I’d prolly be in jail myself or aiding or some shit. But he doesn’t deserve this. I know that deep down he doesn’t. He saved me. Whether the murder was planned or not he saved me. Tonight I’m gonna go visit with my friend Kat since I accidently stood her up yesterday by sleeping all day. God I’m lame anywho enough for now. feedback welcome