My costume will be epic. Today Mat and I went to Hobby Lobby. I bought so many rhinestones and feathers its gonna be UNREAL. Woot! I got lucky and my food stamp card worked for me here in SC. So was able to buy some food. Nothing too healthy, lunch meet, hamburger helper, ramen. The cheap stuff, but it’s still a comfort to know i’ll be okay. Passed out EARLY again, and woke up @ midnight. Can’t fall back asleep. What is the beef with my sleep? For Realz.
|“Into a Limbo large and broad, since called / The paradise of fools, to few unknown.”|
I admit, I feel rather lost in limbo. Not actually settling in as rapidly as I would have anticipated. Plenty on my mind for certain and a great deal has happened in only a matter of days. My life is so eventful. Yesterday I slept in practically its entirety away. I woke at four to hear from a compadre of a long time. He came and got me and we did a lot of catching up. Ate and drank, then swung by the State Fair. He won me a prize and we rode the Fireball with his friends who were so funny. It was a good evening. Came back to Mat’s and passed out about 11pm. The stress has lessened and I can feel a difference. I was aware that a change of environment was what I required to help me heal and cope.
Last night Mat, Scott, and I hit up Ozzy’s. I met up with Daniel Learn who was a HOOT. I’ve never seen him drunk before. It was hilarious. Watched the band, who was good, but I’m too impressed by the musicians attitudes around here. They are very distant and seem a bit snobby. Not cool. We headed to the Skyline. Holy shit that place was huge and I’ve never seen such a huge line dance. Apparently it was dead, but I’m sure I would have been traumatized had it been busier. Got to see Leon again. He’s so sweet. Took Daniel home, and headed to the 803 where I harassed some guys from Saudi Arabia. I was tipsy by this point. lol. It was boring so we headed home drank more and passed out in the chair. LOL
Today was a homework day. Had to research Justin Bieber and create a podcast for CSI. Got a peer review and Knowledge check left. *Crossing my fingers that we score well. But in general did nothing but that and chill on the chair and recovered. Mat cooked dinner which was EXCELLENT. Woot. So things are going well. I’m glad I’ve been able to see my friends and what not. Daniel and I are supposed to go play some disc golf soon. And grocery shopping is on the list. But as I said, in limbo. Hopefully I’ll get to hear and see more of my friends while I’m here. Until then yay.
One day it’s all going to change. It might as well be today. I’ve got a gypsy soul to blame, and I was born for leavin’. This day is officially Tuesday, and tomorrow I bid farewell to this place for what may be for a very long time. I won’t deny my fear. But is my fear of leaving home, or for fighting for a place to call one? Onward my journey to find where I fit in. The place that has summoned my name endlessly. This world I desire. Can it be won? Does it exist? Is it real? Is it possible? Is it mine?
Have I the courage to venture that far? When asked will I Jump?
“Come to the edge”
“We Can’t. We’re Afraid”
“Come to the edge.”
“We can’t. We will Fall!”
“Come to the edge.”
And they came.
And he pushed them.
And they Flew.
Guillaume Apollinaire, 1880-1918
“Take risks: if you win, you will be happy; if you lose, you will be wise.”
Why now? Why now do I doubt myself. This headstrong lark. A big fish in a half-pint pond. Always have a known I could conquer the world, but now at the last moment to jump I find tears welling up and a dread sitting in my stomach. I asked my parents, wishing I had asked them when I was younger so I might have had a more true reaction. I felt as though I were six looking up into my fathers eyes and I said, “Daddy… I’m scared.” I wish he would have bent down, looked me square in the eye and said something profound that would carry me like a kite on the wind. But instead it was my mother, looking at me frankly yet heartfelt, while looking up into my gaze and spoke.
“Give em hell.”