Is there a tunnel at the end?

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So even though I feel as if i’ve been put through the ringer, I think I’m starting to come out of the tunnel at the end. Since my most recent break up with Andrew on the 24th after leaving Rochelle’s house, I felt as thought my world was falling apart. Hours were cut at Holly and Dolly’s, The Talent contest at Full Sail was postponed. Then to top it off Andrew said he couldn’t handle all the stress and we decided together to send me home. I’ve been bitter about the idea since it all occurred, but I had hoped that maybe I would have good times to look forward to coming back home. I attempted to live up to my singleness freedom with no luck and even though I was in positions were I could have hooked up with individuals, either the bar or watching The Walking Dead, I turned away and went home. I’m not sure why, although I still have the loyalty to Andrew. But his idea of getting back together in August messes with my head. I’m not sure if i’m being let on till I leave, or if he’s naive and really thinks it will work out. Some part of me thinks its unrealistic, he’s had enough of my downer crap and once i’m gone he’ll meet some nice girl who he really deserves and she’ll win his heart and I’ll be stuck to rot by my lonesome. Not that wasn’t my biggest issue, I called home with hopes of being welcomed back with opened arms, but alas, instead I’ve had generally the entirety of my family tell me how worthless I am.

Mina Kaye Jaeger Hey Grandma. Did Ma tell ya the news? 8:33pm

Sharon
About your break up and leaving? 8:33pm
Mina Kaye Jaeger
Well, thats one way to put it. But Yes I’m returning home. Would love to spend some time together when I get back!
Sharon
I feel sad about it–there is nothing for you here–Had such high hopes for your future
Mina Kaye Jaeger I know the feeling all too well. But there are pro’s to the situation. My plan is to intern under Uncle Joel at the pro shop in the studio, I’m attempting to land a job at younkers with my friend alicia, she said she would put in a good word for me there, so that I can pay off my lawyers, buy a car, and save up my tuition for next semester because I WILL graduate from this school. I am determined. Then my idea is to go ahead and move to austin tx on my own and give it a try there. I met a blues musician here in Orlando who is from there, but he’s here temporarily with his sick dad. He said we could get together and do a duo project there. He says it really is the best place for live music. He gigs at least three days a week there.
Mina Kaye Jaeger
 I also figured, I never took advantage of the assets I have back at home and would we wise to take advantage of, both my dad and my brother play guitar, I should learn to play some basic guitar. I’m going to have Andrew send my Sewing machine, (I started that project dress but pretty much bombed it) and figured I could spend time with you and actually learn how to do it correctly. I would like to find someone who could give me piano lessons, but I don’t know anyone off hand. AND! my friend Alicia says she’s been really into the working out and would love to have a workout buddy. I think it would be great motivation for me.
Mina Kaye Jaeger
This way I can be involved, not dwell on the past, and grow and mature in a positive way. Keeping busy with keep me out of the bars every night so I don’t go back to my old ways (Because I’ve made so much progress being here) And I thought since you and I both like to cook we could cook together cause Wendy won’t ever eat anything I like to cook. I’m pretty sure i’ve never seen the woman eat fish. or much for veggies. its always meatloaf or pork, or meatballs or potatoes.
Mina Kaye Jaeger
 Don’t get me wrong, I like those things, but not every day!
Would you just like me to call you?
I’ve been trying to bounce my ideas off people, but its weird, its like no one wants me back.
Except maybe Kayla…
Sharon 
the only good advice I can give you and have said it before–YOU NEED TO GET A JOB–one where you have to be there every day at a certain time and in return you get a paycheck
Mina Kaye Jaeger
As I said, I’m trying to get that job at Younkers so I’ll have it as soon as I get there.
Sharon 
you like the night life-music- etc but that doesn’t pay the bills
you do realize you will have to dress conservative at Younkers
Mina Kaye Jaeger
I haven’t been doing that much anymore grandma, That was when I was home, bored, and depressed. One thing this trip has definitely done is help me move on from the murder and really want to look towards the future.
yes, Black Slacks, Black Shirt and or cardigan, and flats no tennis’s. but I don’t wear those anyway. And thats what I wear everyday at work study anyway, well, not always black shirt, but nice ones still.
I asked Alicia that to make sure I bought it when I moved.
Sharon 
If I see you serious as a heart attack no matter if it is even a shit job then i will bust my butt to teach you to sew–cook–can and freezze etc
Mina Kaye Jaeger
I’ll need new slacks, because my have been *loved* but that ail come with time.
You know how to can food?
Sharon 
My grandma always said “just remember the harder you work the luckier you get”
Mina Kaye Jaeger
yea, I have to check with uncle joel about the internship too, I’m not sure what times he’ll have me there, but Dad said he’d be flexible with my work schedule. If not younkers, I’ll try Kohls, Vanity, or target.
I at least want to work 20-30 hours a week minimum so I can start saving.
Sharon 
I canned tomatoes this summer–made verdi salsa and froze it–canned chicken
Mina Kaye Jaeger
Don’t you have to have one of those things that pushes out the air?
Sharon 
no
Kimberly 20-30 hrs a week is not shit
Mina Kaye Jaeger
sweet… How long do they keep?
Sharon 
you need at least 40 and then do the bit with Joels
Mina Kaye Jaeger
Its not shit, but I’m also going to be interning at night. You have to keep that in mind. Which will be part of my schooling. I’m only taking a month or two off from school, so after that I’ll also be full time in school again.
Sharon 
successful people work 60-70 hrs a week
Mina Kaye Jaeger
Normally I would agree to that, but my dad has stressed that Joel’s health is not doing well, and he’s not sure how much longer Joel is going to keep running the studio. He’s even talked of selling it, so I need to jump on the opportunity and learn as much as I can while I can.
Sharon 
did you consider getting work there and saving–if you only plan to be here 2-3 months the expense of traveling back and forth will eat up anything you earn
Mina Kaye Jaeger
 Sadly I’ll probably be home for at least till august.
and where would I stay if I stayed here?
Sharon 
I have a call–talk later
it was nothing–Take the money it will cost to move back and find a one room studio apartment–work like a dog–pay your rent and save–It would be a big step in growing up and not depending on anyone else
Mina Kaye Jaeger
I just had a large rant, deleted it, and have decided to say… this kinda hurts a little.Why is it so hard to ask for a little support? I thought I’ve been doing well. I attempted to get out of Btown, I’ve been working hard at distribution, I’ve given all the money I can for rent and food, I’ve busted my ass in school, Attempting a music career, and in the end I still fail miserably.
Sharon 
No you were on the right track with your education–Once a person quits and takes time out it is rare they return as life just sucks us up
I am proud of your grades in school===
I am old and have seen so much and I know you don’t want advice but if I had listened to my elders I could have saved myself a lot of heartache and trouble
In the end you are going to do what you are going to do–when we are young we don’t look at the big picture as we are having enough trouble dealing with today–
Mina Kaye Jaeger
I understand grandma. I’ve attempted to weight the pro’s and con’s about coming home, because believe me it was the last thing I thought I wanted to do, but in the end I realized a lot more positive things that can come of me returning home as long as I REALLLLLLLY focus and follow through with the goals I’ve set out. I can walk away with a lot of knowledge and be prepared to leave town slightly ahead of the game and ready to conquer Austin.
Mina Kaye Jaeger
weigh not weight :):)
I called dad bawling, but he reminded me that God has a reason for everything, and I trust in that.
Sharon 
Truly the only thing that really matters is our relationship with the Lord–when we try to do things on our own we screw it up and when we let the Lord direct our path it is a whole different ball game
Mina Kaye Jaeger
Dad said I can even learn to run the sound board on sundays if I want
I guess I just needed a big reminder how much i needed him
Sharon 
I really feel the whole house of cards is about to cave in –this country is hanging on by a thread–it may be u are supposed to be with family when it happens
Mina Kaye Jaeger
Thats a REALLY good point!
Sharon 
I always claimed Romans 8:28 as my scripture==ALL thing work together for good for those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose
The word all used to be hard but after a situation I could look back and see good did come from even a mess
Mina Kaye Jaeger
I tend to learn a lot from all my messes. I think I’ve learned a lot from this part of my life, even as brief as it was. Coming here really allowed me to heal and learn a lot about my goals and passions in life, and how far I’m willing to go to pursue them. I’m saddened that its coming to a close, but I do think I took what I needed to from it.
Sharon 
I really feel we are in the end times and this country is going down to make ready for the one world order–Make SURE you are right with the Lord–When you are unsure-depressed–or thinking of any change–hit your knees and cry out to God to help and give you clarity and assurance that you are in His will for your life
Mina Kaye Jaeger
I think they are too. All the signs are there. But I’m sorry if I unloaded on you. I just wanted some feedback about my future entails. Give me some hope that maybe I’m making the right decisions or at least the best that I can make, and following a positive path.
Sharon 
Honey I love you and only want to see you successful and happy. But being Grandma I have NO tolerance for lazy. I will help anyone that falls on hard times as long as they are busting ass to help themselves. I think with the world the way it is you will need family as we go thru it
Mina Kaye Jaeger
I’m really trying grandma. I know I haven’t been so great in the past, but I’ve been really trying to do better over the years. Change does take time, but I’m doing the best with what I know. I grow more everyday, and I know I will the more I surround my self with positive people and influences.
Sharon 
right on–
Mina Kaye Jaeger
Well I look forward to seeing you when I get home. There is so much to tell about Florida. Maybe we can make bread together :P:P *Giggles*
Sharon 
I’l plan on it–Love you
Mina Kaye Jaeger
Ditto Gma!
Then the letter from Dad’s girlfriend:
Your Dad told me you are planning to move back here the end of November. He also told me that he told you, you would have to get a job. I totally agree with this and also add that you will be expected to contribute to the household by paying a minimum of $25 a week to stay. Both of my kids had to do it to move back in after they had moved out. So the deal with the job will be non-negotiable and a deal breaker if you don’t have one and keep it. I don’t mind if you stay here but we can not do things the way we did the last time you moved in. There will be things that I will expect you to do living here and will put them in writing so there are no misunderstandings or forgetting what they are. Let us know as soon as you can when your plane is arriving so we can make arrangements to pick you up.
So it’s not what they are asking that upsets me at all. Its the demands, the callousness, the dryness, the lack of encouragement or support. It simply says to me that I am nothing but an inconvenience. Her letter was so… so… professional it made my heart drop into my stomach. This is my step mother figure. A stern lady who all I want to do is earn her approval. Yet, I only seem to fall short. I think was saddened me the most was that it was almost as if they don’t except any better from me. I spoke with my sister today and she was quite encouraging. Having going through issues with her dad (same controlling issues I went through with him when I was younger) and she’s just ready to leave for college, but she did tell me, to distance myself, do what they tell me to, and simply prove them all wrong. She’s right, and coming from both her and Andrew really has me wanting to just press forward and make the most of myself as I can. Leave em in the dust.  I suppose i’m pretty angry. I thought I was done with being angry with my family, but I suppose they didn’t change as much as I had hoped or perhaps I simply just let them down again. Something I doubt they even realize. After this month I will have the equivalency of an Associates Degree. They have no idea how far i’ve come, or how much I’ve healed since the murder. I guess all I wanted was a little help and encouragement. I guess once again I’ll have to do it on my own.