Ewww Shots

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Pretty good day, other than a jealous girlfriend episode. Went to the bank for a void check to give Hope Haven for direct deposit, returned my moms insurance stuff, Got my TB shot – I really hate shots, shoveled my first sidewalk, and Ben Johnston spoiled me to Shokai. I’m a content, very full little girl.  — at Shokai Sushi.

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Took mom to the dr and finally results after all this time. She has an awful herniated disk in her lower back and spurs in the neck of her spine. She will have to have surgery otherwise she will remain in the pain she’s been in. Then to top it off I had to drive in this mess of snow, so anyone driving BE CAREFUL! Its hard to see to roads!

Note To Self: Don’t Be Clingy

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UGHHHH. I ruin everything. Of course I would have to be one of those insecure girls who gets weirded out at the first sign of lack of attention.. Mina, u suck. No seriously! You are so profoundly, idiotically pathetic its hilarious and I’m pretty sure there’s no coming back or saving this… “you told the guy to think of you naked in the tub.” What girls do that, porn stars?! … But I was just trying to be flirty… … …
Oh god your right… … … it was exceedingly inappropriate…  Not sure what I did, or said, prior to that moment, but it went from him sweetly stalking my Facebook to not returning my messages promptly. Although I mean, “I get it”. It was not necessary. Nice, but not required. Yet, I will say it is a dramatic change very quickly. Perhaps I should just get a clue and read the signs. Who does not respond to the temptation of nudity? Real men apparently; that’s what. Not the stupid boys you’ve been stuck with for all these years. Why am I so un-lady like around this guy? I have more respect for myself than this.

“I fear this may be a another good time to pull your “fuck it” card and let this one go. If he wanted you to fix your behavior, he would have communicated the fact. Because that’s what adults do. Except for you. You just over think shit.”

“Thanks for the advice conscience. How come you didn’t advise me sooner?                   Why am I talking to myself in a different narrative?”

Why did I have to go and jump the gun? I’m never like that! This guy just made me feel… different. Like I mattered. Genuinely interested. Flirtatious with that slight sexy tension in the air. I’m nearly surprised I didn’t jump his bones in public. His words were enticing. His looks; seductive. So courteous and suave I hardly imagined a man like that was real.

Found a website that put it perfectly “Consider a situation where you meet people one after the other and they all seem to be “alright” but none of them are great or exceptional. And then, you meet someone who is so much more captivating to you on many levels and the kind of person you simply don’t come across very often. Realizing that he/she is a rare kind, you are being much more careful about what you say and what you do and at the same time you are far more eager to see and talk to that person.” Gotta love self-help :)

I cringe in horror to what he must think of me. I should have kissed him goodnight and gone home, or was it all the damn cabaret I sang? On my end though, his house was very intimidating. I don’t come from people like that, I’ve been homeless off and on for years now, and personally that was one of the most very well put together homes I’ve been inside. I tried to make myself more comfortable by cooking, but I’m not sure that helped the situation any. Everything from the two sinks to his super fancy bed. And since when are bachelors super clean? lol

Well, long story short I’m looking forward to hopefully having a job soon. I miss my feeling of independence. I used to be able to escort myself to the bar and sit all evening on my own, no care in the word, not needing anyone to indulge me in any way. I must get back to my old self again. The confident little lady in red. Well, here’s hoping.

Dear Universe,
Help me get a grip.

I Long For Passion

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At least I know I can feel passion again. Something I haven’t felt in a long time. Relationship or not, it amounts to nothing if you can not feel passion for the one your near. I’ve experienced a wonderful weekend and went on my first date in years. Although I’m scared I’m feeling the repercussions of the awkward morning after and although I’ve made an effort I wonder if I said or did something to cause it. Or perhaps that’s my girlish mind reading into it too deeply. They say men are simple and express themselves fully. He did invite me over, took the time to meet my parents, and expressed many feelings the evening prior, so I suppose I’ll wait and see what happens. It is difficult not to want to rush full force with this explosion of emotions I haven’t felt for a long time. Guess I’ll wait and see if he calls. If I’m another one night stand, I can handle that fine. What I will not tolerate is being toyed with, but unless i’m blind I truly hope my insecurities are once again getting the best of me.

So Here’s To Life, And All The Passion It Brings

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Not sure how life is going to end up, then I suppose no one actually does. I started thinking I would make my way to Austin at the first opportunity, but instead I find myself considering perhaps my father is right and I should follow through with prior engagements. I always jump from one thing to another when I don’t receive immediate gratification. Hopefully my uncle will be moved back into his original store on maple and he will be more available to assist me in my sound endeavors. Until then, I will continue to look for work and possibly put together a band with a couple of musicians I have recently communicated with. On top of that, maybe better things will keep me here.

Burlington hasn’t offered me many happy moments until recently, and I must admit I miss Orlando dreadfully; considering how melancholy I seemed to be there on a regular basis. But to be honest, Orlando had a lot to offer me, I only wish it had not taken to long to begin feeling productive. The band was just starting to play out, we were supposed to open for Arnold Palmer but sadly I had to miss that gig, and if it wasn’t for people beating around the bush I would have been able to compete in the Full Sail’s Got Talent competition, but due to scheduling I had to miss out on that one too. I had made some super cool friends, Jerry and Jessica and everyone at Holly and Dolly’s, Ivan and the boys, Rochelle and her amazing family, and the guys in the band. I miss listening to the petter patter of drums, or having someone to cook for. I felt needed and that’s possibly my deepest resentment to being home. I’m no longer someones better half. Instead I feel pressures of not being able to find work or things to feel productive. Hopefully soon these things will change. I’m putting what I want for the Universe and God to hear and soon things will begin to bear fruit.

Although Austin sounds amazing, I’m curious about why God brought me home instead. I’m sure there is a lesson in all of this to learn. At least I know I can feel passion again.