A crumbling difference between wrong and right but I have taken the higher road. The influence of my dear friend Andrew and his family has brought me to new levels in my life and a strong realization of what I want to accomplish for myself, without the confusion of what others want trolling through my head confusing my path. I now live for me. The funny part is where everyone is worried where I’ll end up, I’m more concerned with the journey and not contemplating the end result. Life has a way of changing on us and steering us in different directions anyway and as a result has led me to places bigger and better than I ever could have pictured for myself. Thus, I conclude, I’m just along for the ride.
Interesting twists and turns have accumulated recently such as the not so ending great date has led into possibly one of the most beneficial friendships I’ve made in years. Jake
, though as attractive as I had once thought, is now more of the big brother I always needed. Though still onry and flirtatious, the feelings we once felt in the beginning where actually in fact misconstrued as to what we now know to be our great compatibility as friends. In recent weeks we have both found each other to be a good ear for venting or advice. Both being aries our personalities are both large and ambitious driving us to talk and rant for hours at a time. He has become my new partner in crime, since at least Kayla is now Pregnant with my ex Graham’s baby. I’m happy for them i really am, but reading into my past blogs Graham sure made it seem that I was to blame for all the hatred he has thrown my way, but in reality, after reading things, I’ve discovered, no. It wasn’t. He slept with another girl, so I retaliated. Thus, I will no longer bear that guilt. Makes me really glad I write in this from time to time so I can look back and really reflect on what the issues really were instead of what the world has projected upon me all this time. But long story short, I’m happy for Kayla. She genuinely seems to love and care for Graham, which is how I always saw it to being with. Apparently quoting something I said to Lindy the first week I met Graham “I wish I could just give him to Kayla.” or telling my father at the beer tent
a year into the relationship that I didn’t love him, and my father telling me to stick it out was possibly the worst advice I’ve ever been given. No wonder I no longer listen to my father. Kayla has been wanting a baby for some time now. I don’t think she thought it would actually happen for her tho. She’s been terribly moody but not for the reason you’d think, but instead because she’s lost her right to be intoxicated. LOL. Lindy and I have grown closer recently because of this as well.
As for my family, Wendy’s daughter Jesse and her husband Joe moved in from Colorado
with their 3 kids Gwen, Dillian, and Rogan. Wendy has become SO much happier with them here and its been a better feeling in the house. I’m in a new room that is bright and even have myself a vanity. So thus, I’m pretty much set.
On a bad note, I haven’t found a job. Well, I did, at winegard. But my apparently the murder did more trauma to my psyche than I was aware. I knew I suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and have developed some… quirks… but the amount of anxiety i suffered from working in that factory was overwhelming and I couldn’t explain well enough to make anyone understand. I suffered two panic attacks
there in a matter of 3 days. But what hurts the most is how unwilling my family was to listen. How a jobs a job was the only mentality they were willing to accept until I finally got canned. At least I can say my determination is greater than some as they even told me when I was fired that I surpassed their expectations and even grown men don’t usually last as long as I did. They walk out before or by the first break. So I feel a strong sense of pride. But then again… I dislike being jobless. I feel a lack of purpose. Hoping something tolerable will come through soon.
As for my love life, it has taken a strange turn. When I returned from Florida
Patrick and I had a conversation over dinner that basically consisted of what I wanted. And throughout all my relationships and flings I have come to recognize what I’ve sought this whole time. But in simple terms I put it like this. I want the lust I had for Kip, the passion, the fire. On the other hand I want the friendship, stability, intelligence, ambition, patience and kindness that Andrew showed me during my time with him. I told Patrick, I refuse to settle for anything less. I will have the best of both. But as an Aries I refuse to be involved in a relationship when I do not feel the fire. That burning desire that drives you up the wall till you eventually ravish one another, but I also don’t want to be bored with a small mentality or lack of motivation to achieve anything for oneself. Where Kip hasn’t grown past the age of 16 without keeping a job, acquiring a car or a license, and expected me to marry him? On the other side, Andrew had his shit in a group, but for me the passion wasn’t there. The longing to pin him to the floor and ravish as soon as he returned home.
One other conclusion I’ve come to is I simply want to be Enough. Where as for both I never felt I was. With Kip I could do no right. I was too selfish, or maybe I just didn’t want to be knocked up and barefoot in the kitchen. I have goals and dreams and I was really young and nowhere near ready, where Andrew his standards where too high and I never felt I could live up to them. Though they were always for my best interest, I lack his drive and willpower levels. I simply want to be me, be enough, and be loved unconditionally so.
As of recent someone has struck my interest, but between him and Jake, both are reminding me to be patient and take things slow. Not really how I roll, but it’s certainly been driving my passions for a loop. The conversation is always interesting, he doesn’t mind my clinginess, He’s always showing me new things to try, and my lust factor is through the roof. Ass like whoa. If it doesn’t work out, I’ll be devastated simply for the fact the sex is godly. He really is the King of the jungle :P *evil giggle* *Roar*