Enlightened

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The Great Buddha statue, Kōtoku Temple, Kamaku...

The Great Buddha statue, Kōtoku Temple, Kamakura, Japan (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Buddhist philosophy says that jealousy is an emotion or feeling; a byproduct of fear. Those who can dispel fear can make sense of his actions and can be true to others and him.”

Another eventful couple of days. Went to the buffalo with Kayla and had some girlie gossip. I talked to her about open relationships in general and she agreed it might be something that might work for me. I didn’t mention specific’s but she did say “Hey, you can at least try it out. Doesn’t hurt to try new things.” She agrees that if it works it works, if not oh well, move on. So after much reflection, I believe I’m to the point I’m ready to do this. But who starts it off to test how this works out? Him or I?

Cover of "Tao in Ten (Ten Easy Lessons Se...

Cover of Tao in Ten (Ten Easy Lessons Series)

Then off to with Jake to Hot Toddies, which in general sucked because Marti’s system was lagging SO bad. But I did get an ovation for singing cabaret from memory which was awesome. Upon showing up I ran into BethAnn, Tristan‘s mom, Woman is INSANE, then walk inside and Tristan is there already somewhat shit faced. Jake bought me a bottomless cup and Spencer my new boss was there, so we kicked the shit. Adam Rhodsey showed up and if I can talk my dad into playing bass, I might be able to throw a band thing together. Micheal was being super protective when I left with Tristan to go to my nephew’s house after words, texting me to be “Careful” that he doesn’t take “Advantage” of me. And I’m thinking to myself, First I’m a big girl and can handle myself. The word No does have a definition. Second, just because you crush on me doesn’t make you my guard dog. He has no right to feel possessive of me. Plus is creepy. Thirdly, I’ve been straight up with him. He’s aware I’ve been dating Knight and just needs to get over it already. He said he was cool with being friends, but if he’s gonna act like that he can go shove it. Speaking of being straight up; I did “Nonchalantly” mention to Tristan I was going to to Davenport this weekend to see the guy i’ve been dating. He was surprised and said “I thought you said that wasn’t working out?” And I replied “What gave you that impression?” He responded “I overheard you talking to your sister saying he wanted an open relationship. I know you well enough, Mina Kaye. Thats just not you.” And I retorted. “Well darling, I’m afraid you must not know me at all.” Then, I briskly reminded him of how I was when we first met and how he changed me and guilted me. He didn’t have much to say after that.

Tristan and I once again taking really bad photos when we’ve been drinking.

Then today Patrick and I went to lunch at Subway. *Happy* I really love subway, then we went to Natural Inspirations (my rock shop jewelry store) And I stocked up on some Buddhism books. I’m on this search for peace and if there is a way to have that calm, safe feeling I have with Knight only all the time during my day-to-day living. A list included:
Introducing Buddhism
The Dark Side of the Light Chasers, Reclaiming your power, creativity, brilliance, and dreams
The Hookup Handbook, A Single Girls Guide to Living It Up (Looked funny and I can pass it on to my sister if it holds any value)
If The Buddha Dated, A Handbook for finding Love on a spiritual Path
Love Em‘ Or Lose Em’, Getting Good People to Stay (Figured it would help my insecure side)
The Illustrated Dictionary of Greek and Roman Mythology
Tao in Ten, Easy Lessons for Spiritual Growth
And Last
Zen Buddhism (What seems to be a very in-depth approach)

So I’m really looking forward to seeing what sort of enlightenment I may acquire from my new books.

Work should be good tomorrow as long as I can get to bed at a decent hour tonight. Tomorrow is also my first payday, so I’m slightly excited for that as well. As long as I have enough for cigarettes and to get me to Davenport I’ll be a happy little girl. I can’t wait to see him. 3 more days. I don’t even really want to do anything except just lay in bed and cuddle all day. Wish I had a smaller suitcase. There is no need for me to pack that much this time. It’s only a couple days and I’ll probably spend it in my pajamas anyway *giggles*

*sigh* To kiss his lips again will be the greatest sensation and pleasure.

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Preparing For Something Bigger

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Oh WHAT Fun! My girls sure know how to pick up my day! As big of a slump as I was in Lindy called me and was like.. “Wanna Swim?” and I was like “YES” So Lindy, Kayla, Charlie, and I all spent an afternoon enjoying the cool water and warm sunshine, and my mind felt at peace if only for a short while. If only my mind could remain this calm regularly.

In other NEWS! My friend Alicia and Joe are having a babY! Everyone’s having babies. Wow.. Like everyone. But NOT I! YAY! I may be too selfish for the whole house mom thing. I’m slightly attached to my freedom. But congrats to Alicia and Kayla both. They definitely got me beat on the patience factor. And looking at it, I think they will make great moms.

Not sure how Knight took my news about Tristan. I feel guilty that I couldn’t just come out and tell TK how it is. I should have just been like, “Hi, Not interested. I’m seeing someone. I think its getting serious. Have a nice life.” But while we were out and I was hanging out with everyone, it  was just never brought up and when I decided to leave instead of going through with anything, I figured there was no point to bring it up then either if I was just gonna leave. Wasn’t any of his business who i’m seeing unless I decided to go through with something and tell him about the agreement Knight and I have together. So I left and didn’t mention it. But apparently I should have because now I appear “hard to get”.

“The only difference being it’s the way we’re starting, not the way we’re finishing.”

As for Knight and I, I inquired as to what we are, since everyone has been asking lately. How’s it going with you and Knight? Are ya’ll a couple now or something? My answer generally starts with “Uhhh” or “Its complicated?” But Knight had a profound way of putting it. “Preparing for something Bigger.” I was somewhat flattered by this answer or how the other day he stated “I’ve got a sexy, passionate Mina Kaye in my life and I want you around for a loooooong time.” The more and more I think about this Open Relationship concept, the more it grows on me. Although I feel like I’m having to un-brainwash myself from all the crap that previous exes have crammed in my head, reading back to old blog posts from my youth, I was that way naturally. I had my ONE and then I had “others” whom held no ground to my One, but were fun in-between. And I know to most people this lifestyle doesn’t seem normal, but as I reflect to back when, for me it truly did, and becoming this… monogamist I have always felt that I was missing out on something, so thus instead, I’ve either committed and didn’t feel complete, or simply stayed single and lacked the compassion between two people who cared. Deep down I really did want to have my cake and eat it too. I was never the jealous type tho and was much less insecure back then. This jealousy is certainly a trait that has occurred as a side effect of the brainwashing and I’m sure with “Tender Loving Care” it can hopefully be unlearned and one day I will feel safe and secure in whatever Knight and I are able to construct together as a couple. One day at a time, I tell myself. I think I’m getting to the point that I’m okay with this. Knight really put my mind at ease about it when we spoke about it. “This is how I look at it. Do what you want, when you want. Be safe, be responsible. As long as you and I look forward to each other more than anyone else in the world, there will never be a problem. Tell them the truth. You have a man you very much want to spend your time with as more than sex. And if they try to interfere with that, they’re gone. Be friends first. One strike, they’re out. You have to be tough about it.” 

He also said things like he wasn’t chastising me. Because I’m so scared that if and when I go through with this, I have this fear like I’m going to get into trouble and I’ll end up like I did with Tristan screaming at me while I’m curled up in a ball sobbing on the kitchen floor “I should have known,” He said “You can’t turn a WHORE into a housewife.” And I’ve never let that statement go. Still to this day I hear it, right before I make a decision I hear it being screamed at me from behind and I stop dead in my tracks, turn around, and walk away. But its not me making those decisions, its a guilt thats been crammed into my head and I need to realize that. But I’m not sure How?

Mina: I can’t wait till the 30th to run into your arms and cling for dear life.
Knight: I’ll hold tight.

Six More Days

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Six more days. My heart pounds with anticipation. I hear the clock ticking by the seconds slowly as I wait till the moment he’s in my arms again.

As for cosmetology school, I guess that objective was a dud. As much as I want to do whatever I want with my life, my families approval seems to weigh on me more than I’d like to accept. Yet the longer I’m in Burlington, the more I long to be rid of it. The same people, the regular faces, the carbon copy over sang repetitive karaoke songs everyone is used to hearing. The only thing tolerable about this town is I have both my siblings here to help me tolerate it. Yet how I wish I could escape. Davenport has been my only outlet. A reprieve from the mundane, a sanctuary, a place without the constraints of my perfectionist family. How I wish only to be happy, yet I feel it can never be accomplished while i’m living under the pressures of others approvals. I need out of this place. If given the opportunity I would willingly pack a bag and leave without notice. You want to know one of the worst feelings in the world to me? Feeling stuck.

 

But my options are limited and since the Capri idea fell through I assume as did my offer to move there. Austin still stands but I don’t want to leave my brother and sister now that I have them both. I feel internally torn and desperate for an escape or at least the hopes of one. This isn’t the first time I’ve felt this way. Burlington has a way of making this feeling more of a habit.

Stuck in a situation where I can’t see things getting better. I look at the next 5 minutes, 5 hours, 5 days and all I see are the same hard patterns being repeated over and over and over.

I try to give myself a little pep rally of sorts and tap into that Pollyanna girl that’s inside me somewhere. The part of me that knows the glass is half-full and chooses to see the bright side. But Pollyanna isn’t there.

Life suddenly feels like it will forever be this way.

And this dark funk eclipses me.

 

Cap ou pas cap? Are you game or not?

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cap ou pas cap

So somehow, not even intentionally I have managed to play “hard to get.” After taking off rather abruptly friday evening, Tristan has blown my phone up nearly nonstop. So sunday afternoon after walking home from HyVee, Neal saw me walking and offered to drop my off at home, not that I wasn’t already only a block from home, but I got to chat him up for a minute and we made plans to hang out at karaoke that night. Jake and his new lady Keri met up with us at Roederer’s and when Tristan got off work he was paging my phone nearly immediately wanting to know what I was doing. I told him and he said he was coming out. Now the problem that I didn’t realize was that this day, the 23rd of June, holds significance to the both of us. Not only was it his birthday (which I had forgotten about) It was also our anniversary day when we met and hooked up all so many years ago. Fuck, what did I get myself into. I said I’d party with him after to celebrate. Since I had no money to by him birthday shots I sang him “Radar Love” by Golden Earring. We used to always text it was on the radio. I thought he may find it amusing, but I didn’t intend for him to take it so personally to heart. He stood right in front beaming. Jake and Keri left (He had to work in the morning) and Neal, Tristan, and I made our way to The buffalo to finish out the night. I was damn toasted by the time we left, but proceeded to go with Tristan. After a walk to HyVee for some Pizza’s, the rest of the night was spent discussing his traumatic ending with Ash and the bullshit tattoo crap she pulled saying it was a stitches tattoo but in reality was a branding of some guys signature that she left Tristan for. Depressing really. Always disliked that wrench. None the less Tristan got sentimental on me and I basically had to express my detachment. After the pain he put me through all those years ago, I don’t think I could ever put faith in him again to that level. He is my friend, but I will never fully trust that man, and I’ll hate myself if I ever decided too. After some drunkin’ ranting on my end I passed out on the couch apparently saying something about “Don’t eat the brown M&M’s.” Then again today he was blowing me up. 127 messages over the span of two days. It completely filled my inbox. Ugh…. And then, OH WAIT, this really irked me. Decided to bring up my favorite movie and use it against me. “Do you believe in love at first sight?” he texted. I looked at it like, “WTF kind of question is this?” “Perhaps” I responded. “Naive” was his answer. My eyes went huge and I knew exactly what he was referring too. “Game?” He asked. And though I’m always game, his request I refused. He wanted me to come over and watch movies. I said I had to help babysit in the morning. Ha, I wouldn’t be caught dead babysitting. But you don’t pull out my favorite movie and use it against me like that. We blew off the rest of the conversation with him saying he wanted to give me my first tattoo. I do trust him with that task. He is a terrific artist. Funny thing was he had the same idea I had. “Serendipity” Just as a word, or maybe written as a definition. I’m slightly baffled by the amounts of detail he is pulling out on me. The amount he remembers is fucking with my head and I think I need to just walk away completely.

I’m just trying to be friends and normally can handle any guy just flirting with me, but this guy was once in my head and is trying to get back in it. As flattered by every detail he’s able to recall, my heart is elsewhere and it’s just starting to plain piss me off. The romance of it all is eating at me. Why can’t men make this sort of effort before it becomes unwelcome?

Scattered by Fans

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I feel like my life is so scattered right now. Like it’s all these small pieces of paper and someone’s turned on the fan. But talking to you makes me feel like the fan’s been turned off for a little bit. Like things could actually make sense. You completely un-scatter me, and I appreciate that so much.