Preparing For Something Bigger

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Oh WHAT Fun! My girls sure know how to pick up my day! As big of a slump as I was in Lindy called me and was like.. “Wanna Swim?” and I was like “YES” So Lindy, Kayla, Charlie, and I all spent an afternoon enjoying the cool water and warm sunshine, and my mind felt at peace if only for a short while. If only my mind could remain this calm regularly.

In other NEWS! My friend Alicia and Joe are having a babY! Everyone’s having babies. Wow.. Like everyone. But NOT I! YAY! I may be too selfish for the whole house mom thing. I’m slightly attached to my freedom. But congrats to Alicia and Kayla both. They definitely got me beat on the patience factor. And looking at it, I think they will make great moms.

Not sure how Knight took my news about Tristan. I feel guilty that I couldn’t just come out and tell TK how it is. I should have just been like, “Hi, Not interested. I’m seeing someone. I think its getting serious. Have a nice life.” But while we were out and I was hanging out with everyone, it  was just never brought up and when I decided to leave instead of going through with anything, I figured there was no point to bring it up then either if I was just gonna leave. Wasn’t any of his business who i’m seeing unless I decided to go through with something and tell him about the agreement Knight and I have together. So I left and didn’t mention it. But apparently I should have because now I appear “hard to get”.

“The only difference being it’s the way we’re starting, not the way we’re finishing.”

As for Knight and I, I inquired as to what we are, since everyone has been asking lately. How’s it going with you and Knight? Are ya’ll a couple now or something? My answer generally starts with “Uhhh” or “Its complicated?” But Knight had a profound way of putting it. “Preparing for something Bigger.” I was somewhat flattered by this answer or how the other day he stated “I’ve got a sexy, passionate Mina Kaye in my life and I want you around for a loooooong time.” The more and more I think about this Open Relationship concept, the more it grows on me. Although I feel like I’m having to un-brainwash myself from all the crap that previous exes have crammed in my head, reading back to old blog posts from my youth, I was that way naturally. I had my ONE and then I had “others” whom held no ground to my One, but were fun in-between. And I know to most people this lifestyle doesn’t seem normal, but as I reflect to back when, for me it truly did, and becoming this… monogamist I have always felt that I was missing out on something, so thus instead, I’ve either committed and didn’t feel complete, or simply stayed single and lacked the compassion between two people who cared. Deep down I really did want to have my cake and eat it too. I was never the jealous type tho and was much less insecure back then. This jealousy is certainly a trait that has occurred as a side effect of the brainwashing and I’m sure with “Tender Loving Care” it can hopefully be unlearned and one day I will feel safe and secure in whatever Knight and I are able to construct together as a couple. One day at a time, I tell myself. I think I’m getting to the point that I’m okay with this. Knight really put my mind at ease about it when we spoke about it. “This is how I look at it. Do what you want, when you want. Be safe, be responsible. As long as you and I look forward to each other more than anyone else in the world, there will never be a problem. Tell them the truth. You have a man you very much want to spend your time with as more than sex. And if they try to interfere with that, they’re gone. Be friends first. One strike, they’re out. You have to be tough about it.” 

He also said things like he wasn’t chastising me. Because I’m so scared that if and when I go through with this, I have this fear like I’m going to get into trouble and I’ll end up like I did with Tristan screaming at me while I’m curled up in a ball sobbing on the kitchen floor “I should have known,” He said “You can’t turn a WHORE into a housewife.” And I’ve never let that statement go. Still to this day I hear it, right before I make a decision I hear it being screamed at me from behind and I stop dead in my tracks, turn around, and walk away. But its not me making those decisions, its a guilt thats been crammed into my head and I need to realize that. But I’m not sure How?

Mina: I can’t wait till the 30th to run into your arms and cling for dear life.
Knight: I’ll hold tight.

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