The best way to wake in the morning


He is the best way to wake up in the morning

and his goodbye kisses leave me

longing for his return all day

Right now I couldn’t be happier. I needed this more than I thought. It’s like a clean breeze just washed through my life and took my stresses with it. My obvious emotional state of the month has left me exhausted and overly self-aware , but he has been tender and patient making last night (even with my awkward behavior) another night to top the charts. I swear all my times with him are becoming the epitome of my happiest memories and whats stranger is we don’t even really have to do much. His sweet nothings spark the fire in my heart that leaves me enthralled. I have to agree I’ve never had a relationship begin so well; The positive and calm zen aura of it all.

This year I’m grateful for finally falling in love:

You are every reason, every hope, and every dream I’ve ever had. And no matter what happens in the future. Everyday we are together is the greatest day of my life. You’ve taken a part of me that will always be yours.

 Perfect love is rare indeed – for to be a lover will require that you continually have the subtlety of the very wise, the flexibility of the child, the sensitivity of the artist, the understanding of the philosopher, the acceptance of the saint, the tolerance of the scholar and the fortitude of the certain 

 Leo Buscaglia

On a comical note, I’ve never been this sexually awkward ever. :P Normally I can walk into a bedroom, take full control and be fine. But somehow in the bedroom with my lion, I get shy. I try to take control of my leo and find myself bumping noses or stepping on skirts. And were i know all couples have their own sort of kiss, its like we haven’t figured ours out yet. *giggles* not that it is a bad thing, I find it quite endearing actually. Like even after all this time together it’s still so new and exploratory; figuring each other out. But I find myself needing to know what to do. I have a difficult time reading his responses. Yet, its still the most passionate intimacy bars none. For the first time it’s both my body *And Mind* involved; its made all the difference with both my arousal level and climax’s.

Then last night I slept like a dream. Not one nightmare, just the occasional roll over and hold him. and i woke up early feeling rested and happy. I’m sure the kisses helped. :)


Dance With Me To End Of Love


My heart no longer belongs to me. I have given it away. If man is on the earth, then I am somewhere on cloud nine. A king will fill his queen with riches,  and A Knight would conquer the world in his attempt to profess his love to his Lady. For he is both, and I have no question that he would deny me either. From pet names to sweet nothings, he has refused me neither.  “I think I’m finding my passionate voice finally.” He says. “You’re a natural” I reply.

Knight: You’re the one I want.
Mina: And you have No idea how much I love hearing that
Knight: You treat me like a king and have shown no signs of slowing.
Mina: You are my king. You Are my everything.
Knight: And I can think of nobody I’d rather have around and eat El Taco Casa with.
Mina: *smiles sweetly*
Knight: Thank you for being you. I feel better knowing you trust me so much. It puts me at ease knowing some one has faith in me.
Mina: I don’t understand how I’ve done that for you?
Knight: You have yet to argue anything I say or do. Maybe voice worries but in the end, you have trusted my decisions.
Mina: Which ones stand out in your mind?
Knight: This right here is a great example. But all the food choices, the openness of our relationship, the time I told you after. You’ve been nothing but supportive and enthusiastic of my dreams and ambitions. Maybe puppy love, who knows? But it’s been long lasting and infatuating. And I’m going  to take you as far as it can possibly go. Hopefully to the very end.

Strange how a fit of honest jealousy and fear over an ex could lead to such levels of professed adoration.  As deep as my insecurities may lay, he has a abundance of patience and tolerance that I can’t express the amounts of gratitude I feel. He said he didn’t know how to be romantic. If this is only the beginning expressions of his fondness , than I see lavish amounts of passion to be shared. He is opening up to me, and I only want to cling closer and tighter. I relish in everything that he is. He is kind to me and tender, showing sweet consideration in everything I need from him. He is proud and passionate about things he is invested in. I only hope he shows as much emotion when my name crosses his lips when I’m not in his presence. His confidence and large presence has such intensity. The manly man. A quality I have never yet admired, but his execution is powerful and strong; like his arms I feel so safe inside. He is so many things I admire. If he can be the romantic I’ve always needed than I shall never need to stray his loving gaze. Above all I feel accepted for who I am, and not judged, but loved for it; Unconditionally. I ceaselessly concluded that it should never be excessively challenging to love someone, But I never envisioned that it could ever be so effortless; As though I’ve been waiting my entire life to feel this complete.

Therapy with Dr Bair


Wednesday brought on several issues that made me feel the desperate need to seek therapy again. Speaking with the dry humored, witty, and sarcastic Dr Bair, I always leave his office with a feeling that I can once again conquer the world. He essentially allows me rant for about an hour while also rephrasing what I say in a way that makes my worries seem validated, then puts my baggage into perspective; Giving me ways to cope and move forward, aka:

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy – focuses on the way people think and act to help them with their emotionaland behavioral problems.CBT is a powerful treatment because it combines scientific, philosophical, and behavioral aspects into one comprehensive approach to understanding and overcoming common psychological problems.
Getting scientific. CBT is scientific not only in the sense that it has been tested and developed through numerous scientific studies, but also in the sense that it encourages clients to become more like scientists. For example, during CBT, you may develop the ability to treat your thoughts as theories and hunches about reality to be tested (what scientists call hypotheses), rather than as facts. Getting philosophical. CBT recognizes that people hold values and beliefs about themselves, the world, and other people. One of the aims of CBT is to help people develop flexible, non-extreme, and self-helping beliefs that help them adapt to reality and pursue their goals. Your problems are not all just in your mind. Although CBT places great emphasis on thoughts and behavior as powerful areas to target for change and development, it also places your thoughts and behaviors within a context. CBT recognizes that you’re influenced by what’s going on around you and that your environment makes a contribution towards the way you think, feel, and act. However, CBT maintains that you can make a difference to the way you feel by changing unhelpful ways of thinking and behaving – even if you can’t change your environment. Incidentally, your environment in the context of CBT includes other people and the way they behave towards you. Getting active. As the name suggests, CBT also strongly emphasizes behavior. Many CBT techniques involve changing the way you think and feel by modifying the way you behave. Examples include gradually becoming more active if you’re depressed and lethargic, or facing your fears step by step if you’re anxious. CBT also places emphasis on mental behaviors, such as worrying and where you focus your attention. – A personal development book I’ve been reading

Poke perfection In The Eye:

So, Work dropped a bomb on me wednesday which basically initiated the recent chain of events to attend therapy again. I explained to Dr Bair my fears after they stated I wasn’t going fast enough. My heart sank. Not only did I fear letting them down, but also if I failed the possible loss of a job. Although Janer comforts me and states “Don’t Worry, You’ll Get Faster.” I can’t help but in the back of my head fear “But what if I don’t?

He reassured me that if you don’t “Big deal! Your tough and you’ll survive. You’ll find another job. BUT this is also another growing experience. Poke Perfection In The Eye!” Almost literally me meant it. He wants me to imagine standing up to a bully. Let it be sloppy. Don’t let perfection win, and eventually it will begin to retreat.

Continue Blogging:

He told me I was doing a very good thing by continuing the blogging. He said I showed improvement in the past as well when I practiced this technique before. He gave me permission to use it as a place to vent, hold no bars. And to look back from time to time and realize progress.

List Daily Gratitude:

“Be grateful for small mercies.” People who maintain a gratitude journal are healthier, more optimistic, and more likely to make progress toward achieving personal goals. 

Studies report people are 25% happier and more energetic if they keep gratitude journals, have 20% less envy and resentment, sleep 10% longer each night and wake up 15% more refreshed, exercise 33% more and show a 10% drop in blood pressure compared to persons who do not.

Meditate Daily:

Scientific research has shown that meditation has many benefits for our well-being, including:

  • Increasing our ability to withstand stress
  • Making us feel more rested
  • Helping to relieve and reduce pain
  • Lowering our blood pressure
  • Increasing our immunity.

What’s more, regular practice over time can literally change the structure of our brains so that we are able to experience more positive emotion.

But that’s not all, there is evidence that meditation can also help improve: our ability to focus, our level of alertness, our memory, our academic performance and creativity.

Practicing meditation has been shown to help us get in touch with our feelings and over time it can increase how happy and optimistic we feel as well as our sense of spirituality. It can help us accept who we are and increase our sense of fulfilment. It can also help us build empathy and compassion and so help improve our relationships with other people.

You Will Survive Failure:

When he mentioned this Dr Bair was slightly blunt and honest. “You could fail, but failure is not a bad thing, you learn from it, and your are strong enough to survive it. If you lose this job, you will be fine and continue to move on and find something better suited to you.”

High Standards Ruin a Relationship:

I told him about Andrew and how it ended vs the relationship I have newly become acquainted. One of the things that stood out was about Andrew. When describing him I say he is perfect. He’s a go getter. He will have a great future and accomplish whatever he sets his mind too. I would vote him most likely to become a millionaire. But while with him there were too many stressors cause by these wonderful traits that he possessed. I never felt his equal. I always somehow felt inferior. I lacked his willpower. He would push to to quit smoking, or work out. Goals that I had set for myself. He only wanted the best for me. He honestly and genuinely pressured me out of love, but it also became the reason I grew to resent him. I always felt I wasn’t good enough and he deserved better. How I want nothing more than to be “enough” for someone. I never felt I would be able to live up to his the high standards he had for me, which he so encouragingly believed I could accomplish, thus left with the feeling of failure and that I was consistently letting him down.

Knight on the other hand has been a breath of fresh are in this matter. I don’t feel nagged to change who I am, or expected to meet any standard. The only request I think i’ve ever acquired was if I moved in to pay two hundred in rent. Not an unreasonable request in the least. He doesn’t down on me for not working full time, or demanding I move up at my job. I don’t feel insecure about my weight around him, where around Andrew I felt obese and unsightly. I find it easier to open up to him without the worry of being judged for my demented thought processes or vulgar opinions. He’s generally more offensive in opinions than I am, and I love him for them. Essentially, I don’t feel the constant burden of pressure weighing me down about money, looks, politeness, goals I haven’t managed yet, etc.

Read About The 5 Love Languages:

Last but not least, Dr Bair ONCE again brought up the book The 5 Love Languages. (<–Linked to it) He swears by this book. Its not the first time he has mentioned it to me. I was expressing how I want to be a good lover to whom I’m with, but I always feel like I’m not doing enough or what I should be. He said both Knight and I should read it and discuss it. He said it would help to make us the happy couple we want to be.

I let feeling better, but long story short. I have a lot of work to do before I can find that Zen place I seek.

18 Tricks to Make New Habits Stick (Look back at this for reference)


18 Tricks to Make New Habits Stick


Wouldn’t it be nice to have everything run on autopilot? Chores, exercise, eating healthy and getting your work done just happening automatically. Unless they manage to invent robot servants, all your work isn’t going to disappear overnight. But if you program behaviors as new habits you can take out the struggle.

With a small amount of initial discipline, you can create a new habit that requires little effort to maintain. Here are some tips for creating new habits and making them stick:

1. Commit to Thirty Days – Three to four weeks is all the time you need to make a habit automatic. If you can make it through the initial conditioning phase, it becomes much easier to sustain. A month is a good block of time to commit to a change since it easily fits in your calendar.

2. Make it Daily – Consistency is critical if you want to make a habit stick. If you want to start exercising, go to the gym every day for your first thirty days. Going a couple times a week will make it harder to form the habit. Activities you do once every few days are trickier to lock in as habits.

3. Start Simple – Don’t try to completely change your life in one day. It is easy to get over-motivated and take on too much. If you wanted to study two hours a day, first make the habit to go for thirty minutes and build on that.

4. Remind Yourself – Around two weeks into your commitment it can be easy to forget. Place reminders to execute your habit each day or you might miss a few days. If you miss time it defeats the purpose of setting a habit to begin with.

5. Stay Consistent – The more consistent your habit the easier it will be to stick. If you want to start exercising, try going at the same time, to the same place for your thirty days. When cues like time of day, place and circumstances are the same in each case it is easier to stick.

6. Get a Buddy – Find someone who will go along with you and keep you motivated if you feel like quitting.

7. Form a Trigger – A trigger is a ritual you use right before executing your habit. If you wanted to wake up earlier, this could mean waking up in exactly the same way each morning. If you wanted to quit smoking you could practice snapping your fingers each time you felt the urge to pick up a cigarette.

8. Replace Lost Needs – If you are giving up something in your habit, make sure you are adequately replacing any needs you’ve lost. If watching television gave you a way to relax, you could take up meditation or reading as a way to replace that same need.

9. Be Imperfect – Don’t expect all your attempts to change habits to be successful immediately. It took me four independent tries before I started exercising regularly. Now I love it. Try your best, but expect a few bumps along the way.

10. Use “But” – A prominent habit changing therapist once told me this great technique for changing bad thought patterns. When you start to think negative thoughts, use the word “but” to interrupt it. “I’m no good at this, but, if I work at it I might get better later.”

11. Remove Temptation – Restructure your environment so it won’t tempt you in the first thirty days. Remove junk food from your house, cancel your cable subscription, throw out the cigarettes so you won’t need to struggle with willpower later.

12. Associate With Role Models – Spend more time with people who model the habits you want to mirror. A recent study found that having an obese friend indicated you were more likely to become fat. You become what you spend time around.

13. Run it as an Experiment – Withhold judgment until after a month has past and use it as an experiment in behavior. Experiments can’t fail, they just have different results so it will give you a different perspective on changing your habit.

14. Swish – A technique from NLP. Visualize yourself performing the bad habit. Next visualize yourself pushing aside the bad habit and performing an alternative. Finally, end that sequence with an image of yourself in a highly positive state. See yourself picking up the cigarette, see yourself putting it down and snapping your fingers, finally visualize yourself running and breathing free. Do it a few times until you automatically go through the pattern before executing the old habit.

15. Write it Down – A piece of paper with a resolution on it isn’t that important. Writing that resolution is. Writing makes your ideas more clear and focuses you on your end result.

16. Know the Benefits – Familiarize yourself with the benefits of making a change. Get books that show the benefits of regular exercise. Notice any changes in energy levels after you take on a new diet. Imagine getting better grades after improving your study habits.

17. Know the Pain – You should also be aware of the consequences. Exposing yourself to realistic information about the downsides of not making a change will give you added motivation.

18. Do it For Yourself – Don’t worry about all the things you “should” have as habits. Instead tool your habits towards your goals and the things that motivate you. Weak guilt and empty resolutions aren’t enough.

Waterpark Rehearsals?


Interesting week its been. Sunday I worked, went and jammed with Shane Weaver whom I’m putting an acoustic thing together with, Then I went to Open Mic Night with my brother, where we bailed early due to noise levels, only to be swept into worst territory with the worst karaoke music you’ve ever heard. The slowest, saddest, country songs that made me want to put a gun in my mouth and pull the trigger, luckily Jake made it fun with a game of drinking when the golf guy touches his hat (who showed up randomly with the gf *opp, third wheel am I again.*) and hadn’t even bothered to call and ask if I wanted to go. But supposedly he “assumed” I was gonna be there. Sure… Bailed with my brother and his married friends and hung in Lindy’s garage chatting till about 4 in the morning. Seth was asking me a lot of questions about Knight, how I felt about him, and If I thought I was going to stay here instead of take off to Austin like I had originally planned.

Then Monday I had Kayla guilt trip me and drug me hung over to the water park (Fun city) Which I’ve never been to one before, If I have I was too young to remember. I was also to scared to ride the waterside, so I basically stuck to the lazy river. She ditched early to go pick up her cat from the vet and I stayed behind with Lindy and Kevin. Kevin gave me a lift home and I mentioned about wanting to move to Davenport. He says he likes living there and he’s glad he moved out of Burlington.

Tuesday I stayed home with the family. Nothing really exciting, but was productive. Did laundry, showered, attempted to put together the cabaret set list on with the pianist Richard Webb who’s going to play for me at the Bart Howard room if all goes well. I’m still having difficulty choosing songs though.  I’m meeting him Wednesday at the St Paul United Church on Ramsey & Mt Pleasant st in West Burlington at 7pm to go over songs and see what we can come up with.

As for today, I had to wake up an hour early to get a ride to work from Wendy. And was work ever a cluster fuck. I almost had an anxiety attack. So on my lunch break I called Dr Bair, and I set up an appointment with him tomorrow at 2pm.  I think there are some things I need to get off my chest about the past two years or so. And now that i’m working I can afford to go to him again. I truly feel I need the guidance.

Pity Party


This weekend sucks. I’m lonely. I’m aggravated. And I really just want held. Thus facing all those issues last night, I proceeded to block out my sorrows and become immensely hammered. Which didn’t actually work in my favor, and instead became the emotional drunk girl at Sam’s in a dark corner, gorging on coney-dogs smothered in nacho cheese. And then today, viewing the fun times being had by all in Walcott at SCW, forcing me to fill with jealousy of everyone’s fun. If I keep drowning my sorrows like I do, I’ll never save up for a car, and will likely lack a liver in the near future. Grrr. So much to do and no motivation to do it. I keep trying to write about my awesome day Thursday i had with Patrick, but can’t seem to find the time. Long story short, It was a “Patrick, Pick me up” day. We had a wonderful time and he spoiled me rotten as usual. Just wish that happiness could have followed me through the weekend, but instead I ended up being stood up by my mother. Then having to beg Jake to come out even for a little while, which he did, but I was the awkward 3rd wheel. She doesn’t say much to me and he becomes so well-behaved its boring. lol. Boo Jake, Boo. Anyway, I’m going to go sulk, and probably not be able to sleep once again, even though I have to be up at 530 am so I can go to work. Back to the Grind and to celebrate my pity party.


Be Grateful For Small Mercies


I’ve been reading a lot lately about taking a daily reflection to list what we are grateful for and apparently it has significant results towards our happiness. I’m considering giving this a try. I figure a minimum of three each day would be good. Not quite sure where to begin with this, but i’ll try to see where my mind takes me.

1) Recent attention from my family:
After a recent ordeal, I felt so detached from everyone. But after a viotile breakdown, the family seems to be back in order, happier, and making much more of an effort to get along.

2) Support from a dear friend Patrick:
He truly seems to think I can do no wrong, in a world where I feel I can do no right. And even though I may list this time and time again. He really has inspired my life in such a truly positive way, also reminding me how good it feels to give. And from my end, had it not been for him, I would likely still be some crackhead in a basement or worse.

3) Having a job so I can save towards my goals:
My jobs not the greatest job, its not my dream job, nor does it pay the best. But its a good job. My co workers are fun and happy. I feel slightly artistic and not very overwhelmed. I feel accomplished knowing i’m no longer needing the assistance of others to afford my disgusting habits like smoking. As well as I now have hopes for where it can lead me. A car to get me to Davenport to see my hearts desire, food other than the ramen i’ve been stuck eating for months since I moved back, being able to pay back the people who have been so kind as to float me during my search for a steady income, I’m able to begin paying on the lawyer debt that has for so long loomed over my head, and the possibility of other goals that I can achieve like buying piano lessons or learning to swing dance. I don’t feel as much at the mercy of others which is truly a relief. So thus, I like my job.

4) A real Knight in shining armor who always seems to be coming to my rescue:
Since I’ve returned from Orlando, I haven’t had much hope for anything. Everything seemed to be flying down the shitter, starting with my internship falling through, the lack of ability to locate a band, back living with the parents, how long I remained jobless, the tiresome guilt trips from my family, the utter loneliness I felt after having slept next to someone for the past year. I felt beaten. I resorted to to my usual self destructive behavior of binge sex and drinking, parties, drugs, and complete lack of respect for myself. I had all but given up. I lacked purpose. My friends knew I was back around, but didn’t really seem to care that I was. It was just normal to have me around, where instead for me, I had made Orlando a home, and to be back was defeating. Once again the questions of murder arouse. The evil glares, the occasional death threat. For six months I wallowed in misery and weeks before my birthday (Due to a wrong medication) I even attempted suicide. But this years quarter of a century birthday has become a rebirth for me. I have found something I’ve never had before. Almost a whole perfect package. I’m not quite sure which I love more. Him or who I am when I’m with him. He brings a brightness to my life. All my burdens seem lifted and seem to disappear at least for a little while. I find myself smiling and content compared to my drunk with a bottle in the corner self pity trips. I feel a sense of purpose. To take care of him as much as he somehow has managed to save me from myself. I’ve suffered and stressed for so long of my life, I forgot how it feels to be happy. And for now, I relish in it.