Seduce me Damn it!

Daily AstroSlam for Thursday, August 29

Repercussions of last night’s nightclub outing will bleed into all parts of your life when the evidence starts cropping up on Facebook. Next time, drink in the safety of your own home. Your hangover will only make things that much worse.

Well Holy SHIT. Hit it RIGHT on the nail, there. Came home this morning around 8, suffering from the worst hangover I can recall having in the past 5 years at least. Hot flashes and dizzy spells. I straight up could have fainted. Well, guess I had too much fun. Ha, no, not really. Went with Jake to Kelly‘s. Owned on fries, enjoyed me some beers. Alicia met up with us at some point. But I realized the date, and was like, fuck. I have like 3 days left to fill my quota for the month. I go through my phone, looking for a booty call. Problem is, its been so long since I used one, that who’s to know who’s still available or not. So funny story, I knew of two that I had in my phone that were semi current, and I ended up running into both of them. Sadly, one is now dating an old friend of mine. Very cool, good for them. The other I ran into at Hot Toddies. Who also happens to be friends with my boss… How this didn’t seem awkward I have no idea why. Probably all those shots I had. And I was pretty blatant about my goal. So Nate‘s his name. Last time I ran into him was the night at the White Horse, was heading home and they randomly invited me in the cab to come party and do blow. That was shortly after I was walking again from the crutches. Somehow I mentioned it was on my bucket list to sniff blow off a guys wang. Hey, didn’t say my bucket list was filled with all positive shit. Sometimes there are just crazy fucked up shit you gotta try. Well, we got shit faced that first night and he and I hooked up like 3 times in one evening. Not the best looking guy, or even decent conversation, but he had longer hair, and you know I’m a sucker for the hair. Well last night I walked in the door, sat at the bar and the next thing I know he’s like “Woa, its you”. Long story short after that first night, I took his number but just didn’t ever keep in contact. I felt it should remain just a random fling with a stranger. Those tend to be my favorite, but now he’s friends with my boss, so that kinda changes things. “yea, its me”. “You never answered your phone when I tried to call.” he said. *Awkwardness* “yea, I’m bad about that… …  Lets do SHOTS!” And a quick change of subject and the party was back on. He was flirting with me pretty heavy. I will definitely say I love being pursued and wooed. Its simply the best part. Some men need to try harder. It’s a fucking art form. Learn it.

1000 Ways to Be Romantic  <— Read It. Do it. Now. :D

The 5 Love Languages  <— and this one too.

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Nailed It

Daily AstroSlam for Thursday, August 29

Repercussions of last night’s nightclub outing will bleed into all parts of your life when the evidence starts cropping up on Facebook. Next time, drink in the safety of your own home. Your hangover will only make things that much worse.

Well Holy SHIT. Hit it RIGHT on the nail, there.

“If you save me, who will save you?”

“If you save me, who will save you?”

Started my homework. This is gonna be harder than I thought. *sigh* I better have chosen right this time or Imma be pissed.

Loneliness. My greatest fear, my biggest pitfall. When left alone I become an enemy to myself. My brain starts to tick and all the bad things in my life come back to haunt me. I attempted to talk to multiple people today, and all were pretty lame, sadly even Knight at first, but he eventually got more talkative. I really can not be left alone like this for so long. I’d start reading, and my mind would wonder. I’m a weird sort of dreamer, I can even have nightmares while wide awake. I dreamed about when I’ll have to have my IUD removed when I’m 30. The insertion was such a traumatizing experience that I’m scared to death to have it removed. I dreamed that I fainted and had a seizure like I did the first time, but instead of waking up, I died. My brain is truly amazing to the extent that I could feel and experience the pain so vividly, I began to bawl. Even though it’s all in my head, I felt as though I had really gone through it. And felt the overwhelming need to be held. Held like a little girl in protective arms. I’m so back and forth in my head these days, I can’t make up my mind whether I’m happy, sad, mad, overall just confused. I’m on my 3rd period in a matter of a month. How I’m not dead from so much blood loss is a fucking miracle, but I’m aware that must mean somethings wrong, so I’m worried about that too. The move couldn’t come soon enough. I feel like I’m starting to drown. I feel like I need a corner that I can escape too, squatting, rocking back and forth to sooth myself. I curl up in the fetal position and wish to be saved. It can’t simply be right to need to be saved when your supposed to be the one doing the saving. So, for that reason I’m disappointed in myself as well. I know I can do this. Doing this is not the issue, it’s doing it alone is what I can’t do. We’ve come full circle. Lonely. Alone. I can’t do it. I’ve tried to overcome it, but its like a child scared of the dark. It’s all-consuming and I can’t run to escape it. It lurks and slowly follows,   like a turtle in its shell peering out from time to time. I hope these thoughts are hormonal. I can’t stand feeling consumed like this. But unlike normal, no matter how many times I tell myself “I think I can.” today, no affirmation can dust off the ash. Something save me from the head case I am. I just want to stop crying.

I Got This

Got Purpose? – Sermon Title (Photo credit: godserv)

 

Just had the most uplifting discussion ever. Jake called me saying I was on his mind today. We talked on the phone for an HOUR AND ½. I hate phones, I never talk that long, but wow. He said he read how I made moving to Davenport Facebook official. He thought it was pretty rad. The sum of our conversation was very philosophical in nature and basically referenced a lot back to my Law of Attraction I’ve been so into lately. I’m following my gut, I’m going with the flow, I’ve stopped worrying and allowed things to fall into place and they have. He thinks Davenport will be the best thing for me. Get me out of this rut called Burlington, Iowa. All its half wits and gutters. The negativity is contagious and truly drags a person down and quick. But I found a light out of the darkness. I’m taking my sister by the hand and we will accomplish whatever we set our minds too. “FEAR NOTHING”, Jake said. With Love and Discipline I can accomplish anything. I came from the gutter, there is no where else to go but up. Don’t take no for an answer and don’t let anyone stand in my way. By respecting myself I respect the one that created me. By remaining faithful to myself I have become happier. By pursuing my goals and not the goals of others I have found more passion and inspiration that I have long lacked. By looking at things with gratitude I have come to earn appreciation back from others. I plan to continue this path to find my inner zen, and find the place that truly makes me happy. I will find my purpose.

 

 

Kiss Ass

An overall good day. Woke up early to my alarm and was dressed, ready, and prepared to help my grandmother down at the train depot to volunteer for helping fundraise for renovations. She seemed very impressed that I actually showed considering I’m not the most reliable of people. But I’m trying to prove the world otherwise and that I can do right by Deseree. Mom’s old futon is ours for the taking and Grandma was even kind enough to let us store it in her garage until we move since Wendy was bitching about there being no room on the porch or attic for it which is such a load of crock if they would just move some of the kids shit out-of-the-way. I helped serve drinks and pizza and even saw some people I knew. Made friends with the staff and everyone seemed very amused with my energy as I was continuously dancing. Grandma was in a tough bind and was super busy so I know she was very impressed with me when I brought down a rig so we could play music. My CD player still won’t read so I guess the dime must have done some damage. Guess I’ll have to get that looked at next time I’m in Davenport.

As for Knight, he seems busy. Didn’t think he’d say hi friday so I made the first effort, though I like it when he does as it lets me know I’m in his thoughts, but I can understand being preoccupied also. It’s almost the end of the month and I haven’t found… … a hook up. But there is one gentleman who contacted me and was inquiring about meeting up at the end of next week. His name is Mark. He’s 38, tall, dark, and handsome, a suit and tie business guy, educated, successful, and classy. He’s going through a divorce, and apparently travels on his job, so he comes to the area on occasion. I figure I’ll meet him and see if anything comes of it. I don’t want Knight to think this Openness is one-sided. Though I’m not really in need of anything because I feel quite satisfied where I’m at, I don’t want that to be questioned in the future and will attempt to exercise my rights of the agreement. I do find myself getting jealous, so I also feel that If I do this, I’ll have more of the mentality of “Well, I do it too”. I guess I just can’t shake that he seems to need others, when for the first time I don’t feel that way. My eyes don’t even stray. I have to force the fact. I seem to talk of nothing else but him, and its sad because my friends seemed irritated with my recent happiness. Kayla just bitches about being pregnant and how Graham won’t do a damn thing to be helpful, though I feel that’s her own damn fault because she doesn’t let him feel like a man. Instead she insults him regularly. And Lindy, I know she tries to be happy for me, but in her current state of what feels like a really sad divorce between her and Nik, I can’t help but see a sadness that she wishes she could find what she needs in someone else. I told her about the Law of Attraction, (and not in the cheesy “The Secret“) kind of way. There are way better references out there for that sort of topic. But the biggest thing I’ve noticed is I started asking for things and I’ve gotten results. It all started with Knight, eating lunch at La Travola with Patrick and I told him dead on for the first time what I wanted. I wanted someone kind and supportive with a good head on their shoulders like Andrew, but the Passion I had with Kip. After taking time to heal from my breakup, dating around a bit with absolutely no interest except, perhaps a rebound, then Knight walked around the corner and my heart hasn’t stopped fluttering since. Or about school. I said, I want a degree. I want a steady job so I can stop worrying and not have to suffer through another wine gard, or even though Hyvee‘s not bad, I’m much more qualified than this. Im a computer bad ass and I’m stuck in a freezer tossing salads. *in all forms of the joke* :P So now I’m back in school. At the time I picked Muscatine it had no reasons what so ever to do with Knight, and yet that seems to be now in my favor. (A sign of Serendipity I assume). I wanted to be close to my sister again, and after ten years apart it’s becoming like we were never away from each other. She has always been my pride and joy and always looked to me. Now in the current situation she is coming to me again, wanting to escape and have a grand adventure along with it. I wanted a band. I posted an ad months and months ago with no response. Then I receive a message from a band in Muscatine (Another sign). (which was the one I said, okay I’m doing this) They are onry and professional still. They want to do the genre’s of music I want to do, AND they don’t play so damn loud I can’t hear myself sing. I’m a happy camper. I told Knight I was considering my own apartment, then a stoke of fate,  Marcus upstairs moves out. Knight can keep it affordable, I can make it more “rentable” for in the future for him, there is plenty of space for my sister and I, and it has the two things I’ve always wanted. Black cabinets and a walk in closet. I was thrilled. I would move in as is, but I know I’ll have to make improvements to keep the family happy as I do have Deseree to think about. She’s really excited about having a place to call ours. Its fun having something to Hope for again, to dream about. I only have two issues. ONE: My job situation, do I stay with Hyvee and ask them to transfer and if so how long will that take? or do I put in a two-week notice (and when do I do that?) and attempt to find something in administration? I’m not sure. I guess I just need to continue to be grateful and not worry as things always work out in the end. It’s hard as a female to shut off  the worry switch. That’s why I’m glad to have Knight. He calms me down and makes the world make sense for a change. I really do love him. We can be as imperfect as we like and that in its way is perfection for me. No judging, no expectations, just living and trying our best to find happiness. That’s all I ever asked for.

Astro Alert

Dear Kimberly,

Charming Venus in harmonious Libra just wants life to flow smoothly and romantically … but when Venus goes up against Pluto and Uranus in the coming days, romance will be anything but smooth.So, what exactly are you preparing for? Firstly, on August 24, Venus squares off against control-happy Pluto. Sure, your powers of persuasion and seduction will be at an all-time high, but so will your levels of jealousy and insecurity. If negative thoughts invade your mind, just keep reminding yourself that they will soon pass — it’s simply Pluto at work. Also on August 24, the Sun and Mercury fall in line with each other in detail-oriented Virgo. If nothing else, this cosmic connection will provide a distraction away from Pluto’s powers, as you won’t be able to resist getting practical matters taken care of and out of the way. Then, on August 25, Venus falls into a difficult opposition to disruptive Uranus. After the previous day’s struggles, Uranus’ independent nature could tempt you to just stomp off and do your own thing. However, take several deep breaths and try not to let these rough-edged energies overpower you! Freedom may seem appealing now, but holding off on big decisions for just a couple days could save you from doing something you’ll later regret. Don’t let love crumble!

Olive Juice

When I was little, my father was picking me up from my mothers and traveling with me long distance for visitation over a weekend. We stopped at a gas station about half an hour from home and upon entering my father said I could have ANYTHING I wanted. He said I came back with this jar of Green Olives. “Green Olives? Is that really what you want?”. Indeed it was, and to my fathers amazement between that gas station and home I had eaten every last one of those olives…

What a weekend. I pray I can remember even half the details.

Monday night I stayed with Lindy, than Tuesday we met up with Kayla at the Drake for Lunch. Afterwords I had them drop me off at home because I was meeting up with my brother to make a little side cash by helping to clean his room. There honestly was no room to be had; nor a floor. It was covered wall to wall with trash. It is so much easier to clean a mess when it’s not your own. I took what could have easily been a four-hour job and flew through it in two. I felt productive. Went to work Wednesday anxiously awaiting the arrival of Knight. I had time to finish his gift and conclude packing my things. I was slightly exhausted, but ever so happy to see him. It was like seeing him I could begin to breathe again after holding my breath forever. Upon arriving to Davenport we fell asleep quickly. A long week was ahead.

Thursday, Knight took me to Muscatine after work for my band audition with Whiplash Abby. I was incredibly nervous and self-conscious. Not to mention Bitches at Burger King decided to be assholes and take forever so I was scared of being late as a first impression. But at least the fries were yummy. Took us awhile to find the road, and even the house was weird to find, but we did. The boys were funny and welcoming. I did my best, though I really wasn’t familiar with most of the songs, then to make matters worse Knights uncle showed up and I became even more nervous. Who knows if he talks to his brother, what he could say before his father has an opportunity to meet me. I drank, like I always do. Loosened up. At this point at my life I’ve come to terms with being a drunk. It gets me by. Its my crutch and I’m not giving it up for anybody. If you don’t like it, then I’ll move on. It’s just who I’ve become. But the bass player even brewed his own beers and as the night continued the boys seemed to be having fun.  Knight said the guitar player got irritated when I couldn’t get things right, but honestly for not knowing the songs, I thought I was doing the best I could. And for Muscatine Iowa, you really can’t be that fucking picky. Kip told me I’d never be anything more than just Burlington Iowa, well I moved to Orlando, and I’ve visited Austin, and I’ve come to terms that under the right circumstances and the right song choices, I’m a fucking bad ass. And I need to stop caring what others think and own more up to that mentality instead of wondering what the opinions of others are. As for the band, I wasn’t much worried. If I come back and nail the rest of the songs I think vocally I have this in the band, just as long as they know I’m “All In”. Knight was actually my biggest worry. He has seen me at karaoke only so so, but here he was going to see me at my worst, and has never seen me at my best. My methods on stage are so different from his and I constantly wonder what he’s thinking I should do differently. If he wasn’t so fond of singing or being on the stage I wouldn’t be so weirded out, but he’s opinionated, and I really want him to admire me for what I do on stage, not condemn me like Kip always did, but not get bored like Andrew either. I was glad he left it at pointing out the guitar player, telling me to learn the songs and left it at that. Those were logical. But I can’t help but think he’s my biggest critic. I don’t really judge him in the ring. I think he’s hot and I think it’s so weird to watch him get in and talk so much shit, which even as much as a persona people could say it is, at the end of the day I think it’s another side of him that gets to shine through that normally doesn’t. Which is the same with me on the stage. In life, I’m sweet, dances in the rain, optimist Kimberly, But on stage I become someone else. Someone Knight hasn’t seen yet except maybe once and I scared him. Mina Kaye is mean and bitter. I love to sing the rock or metal, and feel the power behind a heavy beat and bass lick. I love to sneer and yell profanities. Mina Kaye is my alter ego. Or is she? I think deep down I’m still very pissed at my childhood and all the things I could have been had I been handed a better card. I’m arrogant about the things I’ve overcome and yet people still look at me as this innocent little girl. If I didn’t wake up everyday fighting to bring out that inner child in myself. No one would be able to stand to be around me. I am angry. And I have seen some fucked up shit. Shit you will never comprehend. And to me, your all wimp’s with a lot of big talk. How often I want to choke a person out who’s been bragging across the table. To grit my teeth and tell them all the gory details of my twisted tale. But then, people would be scared of me. And I don’t want that either. So I lock it inside, and let it come out with Mina Kaye. My inner tormented burden. People are always like, “You need to pursue the jazz”. I like the jazz. Kimberly does Jazz just fine. But sometimes I want to yell “Green Manalishi” at the top of my lungs, flip off a crowd and walk away smiling. Just to feel rebellious and tell the world to fuck off from time to time. As a rocker, you can get away with it. And though I’ve embraced Kimberly more and more, Mina Kaye is a part of me too. And half the people I’ve met lately have no idea who she even is, and I resent that.

Friday morning was school orientation at Muscatine. Mitch (Blue Eyes) had brought Deseree, which I found amusing considering she broke it off with him only dates prior. She’s ballsy, I never could have pulled off that one. The lectures were the same as every other one I’ve been too, except the guy giving them was very upbeat. I’m pretty sure he hit on me while choosing my classes. I made a fool of myself the whole time as though not taking it seriously, But I don’t want Deseree to feel the serious pressure that they force on you with college your whole life. I don’t want her to do it because she  has too, but because she wants to be there and its part of her journey. Besides I made the tour highly amusing. I wanted Knight there for the process. I don’t think he realizes I have no money to go to college either. Nor did I score high. I’m a high school drop house who makes Jack and Shit and whose parents make Jack and shit so thus I qualify for a free ride basically, at least at a college of this level. Full Sail i’m in debt for, but oh well, We all die with debt these days. But I wanted Knight to see what could be, and if he was even interested in doing something else with himself. No school per say, but at least searching for outside knowledge even the cheap local business classes to help him pursue whatever dream he may want, which currently seems to be wanting to start a wrestling promotion and I have no doubt that he could if he thinks out the details and takes his time with it. I suggest lunch to rip the tension with Mitch and Knight because they looked PISSSED after words. I felt terrible about it. I should have just let him visit his friends or walk the mall or something. We drove home and I somehow overheated. No idea why. But I took a cold shower and felt better. Getting off at the same time has never been so hoTT. :P Took my Mac to the Tech guy and there was a dime in it. Figures. Arrived at SCW and the girls were like MINA. Seriously, they don’t ever contact me, they don’t show genuine interest in me. No idea. But I waited on Jake, but by the time he got there the drinks the bartender was serving me where already getting to me… Mind you, this is in time for the first matches. By the end of the night I was fucked, which does not work out in my favor apparently. So yea, deep down I overly care what people think, and meeting Alex was a big deal to me, but then I over thought about it and drank away my sorrows. The after party apparently Jen (Crotches GF) was like “Knight, your girlfriend is really drunk.” Well that makes me feel like SHIT… the only reason I can manage to tolerate knowing this information is Knights nonchalant “Yes she is” response as though it didn’t even matter. God, I hope that’s really how it is, because I don’t see the drinking winding down much anytime soon. When I drink, I get drunk. End of story. If you don’t want me to get drunk. Don’t let me start drinking.

The night is fuzzy and I assume this is where we went for McDonald’s. I hate McDonald’s, but apparently I love it drunk. GIANT MASSIVE servings of chicken nuggets and what was my response to getting giant massive chicken nugget meals? I love you… … …  My response was I love you…  Not even thinking about it….  Not even realizing I had said it. “I love you too” he said. O.o  (Deer in Headlights look) Did that just happen?
Why do I ruin everything. Oh it was a surprise alright. I sure as shit didn’t see that coming. But never did I realize I had already been saying it. I had bitten my lip with it for so long. I even told myself I didn’t want to be the first to do so (Well so much for that). I have this great habit of not being good with surprises. I always ruin them. Rule of thumb. I’d probably ruin my own surprise party. I woke up thinking about it pretty heavily. And even though it wasn’t the romantic moment I’m sure either of us had visioned, My heart-felt happy and a feeling I haven’t found before. Where I had heard the term “Her Yin to His Yang”. Having meeting people I thought may have fit that role because our personalities complemented each other, never did I experience a feeling like this one. Complete. Like something has always been missing, and upon waking up I thought, “There it is”.

I snuck out of bed and out of the house, making my way to CVS. The ladies there were adorable and were helping me pick the perfect card for his birthday. I landed on one I kept coming back too and every time I looked at it, I giggled. Not technically a birthday card it read, “If I were stuck on a desert Island with you, I’d never want to get off” “Wait Let me Rephrase that”. lol I signed it “With all That Love That I possess.” I picked him up some aqua net and MADE sure he’d wake up to a White Monster. I figure it was my ghetto way of  breakfast in bed. He woke up, I told him to look at the table. I don’t think he expected that because he was headed straight for the shower, but he took the time to open it. I think I did good at least. He seemed really happy with it. I burned him a million CD’s, bought a Giant single cd case holder so he could keep them all in one place in the car, and invested in the Justin Timberlake CD that I had given him hell for over the previous weeks prior. I wish I could always make him happy to see that look on his face again and again.

Woke Jake for HuHot. Went to the mall to see Raven the wrestler. Then the fight was at a german bar in Moline outside. Good beer, great atmosphere. I loved it. Jake was amusing but I felt shunned by the girls that night. Must have pissed them off real bad the night before. Met some girl Annie I was sitting next too which some crazy eyebrows but her personality made up for everything. She was witty and bluntly rude, like Jake which I liked. Knight won is second fight in a row, so I was in shock. Markus had is hair cut on stage. Alex was there again, I waved and was completely blown off. Like acknowledged even and then blown off with a “Fuck you lets dodge this bitch”.  Well fuck. Self Esteem shot. On came the heavy drinking. Though Jake tried to make me feel better about it, the damage was already done. Any who, long story short, I was drunk and gave girls motorboats… Pretty sure I’ve made some enemies over that one… And I really hate dance clubs… Because I get claustrophobic and can’t see, and feel lost. Thats gonna be something I have to work on to get over. Strangely I find it super weird because I’ve ALWAYS wanted to go to dance club. Like that shit was on my bucket list. But I was starting to sober up slightly by that point and was not in any shape to be confronting my fears. Jake went home, and Knight briefly explained about the I Love You being the surprise he had mentioned before. Surprise No SHIT. lol In all epicness that was not a surprise, that was a bombshell. A sensational stun that I wish to hear over and over everyday for the rest of my life.

The girls most the night

Man… Those eyebrows…

My Sexy Knight Flexin’ :)

Tuesday I ordered my school books, made taco salads and he was even so sweet as to help me pick up after lunch. He really is so wonderful. I need to start writing these down, the reasons knight is wonderful. That afternoon somehow divorce was brought up and to my ASTONISHMENT he has the same views on divorce as I do. Where as I believe in the sanctity, I have no tolerance for divorce. I think divorce is the saddest thing I know and people have even come to the point in our society where instead of feeling sad over it, people say Congrats and I find it sick. I’ve always been a person who never wanted to let someone down because I’ve been let down time and time again. To me a promise is a promise and you keep it no matter what desperate hoops you have to jump through. And to me a vow is even stronger than that. To vow to someone your life forever is biggest act of devotion someone should ever be able to do. The sacrifices that one has made or will make to hold true to that promise and fight thick or thin for and alongside that person is such an amazing thing, that the human race truly sickens me when every day you see people who just simply give up because its easier. Deep down I think I always wanted to be that old couple at their 67th anniversary that croaks together. Surprisingly Knight has similar values, which surprised me greatly.

When he took me home I felt the need to say it, since before I had been so casual…

“Olive Juice,” I yelled as he walked back to his car. Turning around “Olive Juice to you too.” He replied. I wanted him to know I meant it.