This new job is kicking my ass. I signed up for part-time work and instead have received full-time hours. Anywhere from 32 to 38 is what Knight said I was scheduled. Between that, band, and school work I’ve been so exhausted I barely had time to bathe. There was a span of at least 3 days that I didn’t. How disgusting. Not to mention I haven’t been able to make anytime for my sister or Knight let alone get to cook for them. *pouts* I’m not sure what to think of the place. The employees are… not very nice, incredibly catty, and gossip a majority of the time. I understand why they complain, I mean, that one guy is super lazy, but in my opinion I’d rather call him out to his face.
I feel as though this is having repercussions on Knight and Desi and I feel like an inconvenience. I don’t feel like I’m being able to come through enough for them and It gives me that let down feeling. I thought I could handle everything. Apparently I must be in over my head.
Kip also called me last night and today. I blew him off to go to bed last night and complete missed his call today while not bothering to return it. I’m finally happy. I can’t have him coming up into my life just to fuck with my head all over again. I’ve said goodbye to him too many times and each time it gets harder and more difficult like once your muscles start to give out after too much push ups. At least this time I have something to fight for. A real reason to say no more. I’ve moved on. Perhaps that’s his plan. He eggs me on once he discovers I’ve moved on just to see if I’m still his toy that he can use and sway to his bidding. But I am free, and I have found what I’ve searched for. Someone whom I want to stand beside and continue the journey beside me. He has little sway over my feelings anymore, and I can boldly state I no longer belong to him. Though it may sound weird to some to refer to oneself as property, but I think of it more of a Tarzan and Jane situation and how he protects her. Knight is my champion. He is all I need.
I have no real reason to be upset, and yet I am. Covered in this dark canopy of thought that weighs of a million burdens. For once I’m so happy that I’ve become devastated by the fear of losing it. I had all but thought my abandonment issues were a long thing past, but I now realize I just didn’t get attached well enough for people to actually leave. Deseree left with Mallaki to go on a “Date”. Which I was more than happy to let her experience, but once alone in the apartment by myself the thoughts started creeping in. I dreamed of Tyler, and his negativity came back to haunt me. I heard a noise in the house and immediately became scared he had broken out of prison to come slaughter me and massacre anyone and everything I hold dear. I have to remind myself of how ridiculous these thoughts are. That my loved ones are safe and no harm will come to them, but somehow my mind is so vivid. I can picture it in my head like it were real in front of me. I can still feel the dead weight of Shawn in my arms, the empty hollow eyes, the exhale of his death rattle.
I crawl desperately to the inside of the bed and huddle in the corner by the wall, like a child trying to escape the boogeyman; seeking refuge safe under the blankets. The feeling stuck with me all night. My sister, stressed by her homework, radiated of displeasure and sadness. On top of already dwelling on the fact that Knight wasn’t here to save me from myself, while he’s off doing all the worst things I can imagine, my empathy grabbed hold and her energy became mine. I immediately gave up and fell completely consumed with grief. Pacing and eating straight out of the ice cream vessel, I curse myself at the level of pathetic I have become. I should be better than this. I want to be secure, but my strength seems non accessible. I am just a sad little girl drowning in her own self anguish.
I GOT A JOB!
Holy Cow! I just had the most insane interview EVER! First let me start by expressing my expectations. It was a group interview at JCPenney. The first time I did a group interview was at Kohl’s and I left crying and with my stomach so far up in knots I threw up. It was traumatizing. I had little faith that I would excel at this interview, but I was determined to at least remain positive and leave on a happier note. Upon arrival I immediately started bonding with the other people there for the interview. Small talk and expressing how I was new to the area. Asking their opinions on places to visit around the Quad Cities. I expressed my nervousness and I think it helped everyone to open up a lot. We were asked to introduce ourselves and I expressed how I was in a band. I sang Blue by Leann Rhymes which was the only thing stuck in my head because Knight had mentioned me to sing it the night before on the car ride home from band practice. Both the bosses even seemed impressed (because one lady peeked her head into the room because she heard me) and I was able to brag on how I auditioned at American Idol. They had us do a team project together where we put together a structure using building blocks but it required the use of teamwork and instructions. Apparently this was where I shined. His said it was unique because I asked questions. Not only to verify specific instructions but to also ask the opinions of my colleagues. He said my demeanor was fun, bubbly, and positive, and while interviewing appreciated my willingness to learn and grow. We discussed working hours and expressed he would be willing to work with my band schedule as long as I am willing to work with him. That means no calling into work because of a last minute gig. If that is the case than I would need to find someone to cover for me. I more than happily agreed as I would only expect to give that sort of respect. Integrity is a big thing and I don’t plan to lose his faith in me. He gave a very mentor sort of vibe and I think I could look up to and learn a lot from this man like Jake does for his employee’s. He reminded me of Jake a lot. Then he started to talk about pay, and what his expectations from me would be and at that moment I felt confused. This didn’t seem like much of an interview anymore, and like the blonde that I am asked, “Ok, whats happening here?” *Face Palm* But he laughed and said “I’m offering you a job.” I immediately started to tear up which I think he found endearing. I left his office thanking him profusely and expressing my excitement. I left the store and immediately called Jake. Bawling like a baby from pure happiness. How Serendipitous and surreal it all feels. The Law of Attraction is once again on my side and I don’t regret this move in the least. Step by Step I am transforming into the independent woman I have always dreamed of becoming.
So, while in the kitchen attempting to make my first egg omelet. Finally, The phone call I’ve been waiting for!
“I don’t know how I feel about living on the Iowa side of the river anymore.” Jake said. Confused I responded “Huh?”. “I Got It.” Was his response.
I Went NUTS. Screaming and dancing around my apartment with joy and happiness. (Most likely freaking the shit out of my sister) *eek* The Law Of Attraction once again working in my favor. I will have my best friend by my side to face this city head on. My fellow Aries is moving to Moline and we will once again be partners in crime. Raiding and ruining, raising hell and instigating. It shall be GRAND!
For dinner I made spinach salad, hominy, and baked tilapia. Both Knight and Desi said I did good. Knight took me to Home Depot where we managed to find wall brackets for the closet then went to Shucks? uh, and Knight started having cravings… which through discussion, struck a chord with me. Somehow he managed to talk me down with little problem. Which would have made him look like a god in my parents eyes. That shit just doesn’t happen and I’m not sure how he does it. The conversation ended with sweet nothings and laughter. I need his approval daily or I feel like I’m not doing something right. Then we surprised my sister with the ice cream from culvers she’s been craving so badly. She freaked out and we laughed at her contented happy squeals. Then she was sweet and gave Knight and I the place to ourselves for a bit. I love having him in my arms. My favorite place to be is in his.
With Venus in Sagittarius right now, ensuring your partner is also your best friend couldn’t be more important. But is it sometimes hard to tell how well you two match up?
Venus pairs up with Neptune on October 10 for a day of dreamy romance and lovely fantasies. Most of the adventures you plan won’t materialize, but you’ll have too much fun daydreaming about them to care. Sometimes it’s just as entertaining to let your imagination run wild and dream of what could be!
Two days later, on October 12, expect to feel the optimistic effects of a beneficial square between the Sun and Jupiter. You’ll enjoy an extra boost of confidence, and you might just find good luck popping up when you need it most. Lazy tendencies could prevail on this day, limiting your good fortune — though not your good mood! If you can stay somewhat grounded, you stand to boost both your luck and your outlook.
Whatever you do, don’t let laziness ruin your chance at romantic bliss.
Monday I was restless and after my school stuff was refusing to work correctly, I gave up and went to the bar. I met up with another person who responded to my want ad for friends. His name was Justin and was much more interesting than his profile described. A Leo in its truest form. Outgoing and much back and forth. We talked nonstop from the moment we met. I’m surprised we managed to breathe between topics. The Pour house was nothing like Knight has described, terrible with evil bikers and bad people out to cause trouble. Instead it was very much my sort of bar. A hole in the wall pub with a friendly bartender and decent enough people. Not all preppy like a lot of the bars I’ve been to here so far in the quads. Lots of ragged old farts. My kind of people, my kind of pub. I loved it. It felt like home. The first place I have found in the city of lights and sirens. But even though Justin was able to open up so easily to me, I sighed in dismay that I wish someone in particular could be the same way. We closed the bar and I went home happy to have made a friend. Still doesn’t compare to Jake though. Please let him move here.
Spent today Job hunting. Went to a million places (Most of which require you to apply online). But nonetheless I went and tried. I have plenty of applications to fill out, and I’m applying online as well. Deseree and I have been giggling up a storm and have bonded over singing songs, doing dishes, and cooking dinner together. I’m loving every minute.
Was a lonely weekend though and that social itch I had is starting to burn a bit. I need out of this house. I need to meet people and raise a little hell. I had fun the night I went out with my pen-pal Cameron last Thursday. He was the only person who replied to my want ad on Craigslist for friends in the area that didn’t seem like a total creeper, and luckily he wasn’t. He’s even a Budweiser drinker. I still really miss Jake though. I feel empty without my partner in crime. But LUCKILY! He’s applying for the position at the store in Moline and I couldn’t be happier! I’m crossing my fingers and hope that he gets it. Would complete my circle of happiness I seem to have started here in the quads.
Knight has been… *sigh of contentment* wonderful. He is so sweet and supportive. Still a man of few words, always leaving me in my own head, but everything he has said has been nothing but positive. Leaving me every reason not to worry, but of course that’s not in my nature so I still do. Now how to I bring out the intensity he has when he’s telling stories, out when he’s with me.