The Happy Sad

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I have no real reason to be upset, and yet I am. Covered in this dark canopy of thought that weighs of a million burdens. For once I’m so happy that I’ve become devastated by the fear of losing it. I had all but thought my abandonment issues were a long thing past, but I now realize I just didn’t get attached well enough for people to actually leave. Deseree left with Mallaki to go on a “Date”. Which I was more than happy to let her experience, but once alone in the apartment by myself the thoughts started creeping in. I dreamed of Tyler, and his negativity came back to haunt me. I heard a noise in the house and immediately became scared he had broken out of prison to come slaughter me and massacre anyone and everything I hold dear. I have to remind myself of how ridiculous these thoughts are. That my loved ones are safe and no harm will come to them, but somehow my mind is so vivid. I can picture it in my head like it were real in front of me. I can still feel the dead weight of Shawn in my arms, the empty hollow eyes, the exhale of his death rattle.

I crawl desperately to the inside of the bed and huddle in the corner by the wall, like a child trying to escape the boogeyman; seeking refuge safe under the blankets. The feeling stuck with me all night. My sister, stressed by her homework, radiated of displeasure and sadness. On top of already dwelling on the fact that Knight wasn’t here to save me from myself, while he’s off doing all the worst things I can imagine, my empathy grabbed hold and her energy became mine. I immediately gave up and fell completely consumed with grief. Pacing and eating straight out of the ice cream vessel, I curse myself at the level of pathetic I have become. I should be better than this. I want to be secure, but my strength seems non accessible. I am just a sad little girl drowning in her own self anguish.

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