Happy Thanksgiving I suppose. In a matter of an hour or so I’ll be suffering through what should have been a delightful family holiday, but instead I will be working with one of the worst colds I’ve had to suffer through in ages. I did manage to have some fantastic sex today but Yesterday consisted of me calling into work for the first time in years. Luckily my bass player Ron took me to the community health center where I am now highly medicated and toilet paper has become my dearest friend. Also managed to get approved for mental health funding so *fingers crossed* I will soon be attending much needed therapy again.
Considering we would not be celebrating the holiday today, Knight and some of the wrestler boys decided to go out on the town. I drank Pepsi and attempted a karaoke song in utter failure only to feel like a downer and had Knight take me back home, allowing him to have a guys night. But upon his drunken return, he resorted to ranting (which I actually don’t mind) but he said a few things that lingered on my brain. Not only was his phone blowing up non stop, but he proceeded to elaborate on the difficulty of Nik’s marriage and how he could be getting pussy but instead goes home to his loving wife and son as though instead it was the large burden to bare. Every time he brings up this topic, which surprisingly has been numerous times, I get this sick to my stomach feeling. I feel as though he’s trying to push a point in my face about how that isn’t what he wants and its disappointing. For once I’m finally in the mentality of okay, yeah, lets move forward, and then this. He passed out intoxicated, which I could only tell by how heavily he was sleeping in a very awkward position. I couldn’t get the constant blowing up of his phone out of my head. He came home early and seemed very distinct on bringing things to my attention, but nonchalantly trying to avoid the topic of his phone. I became curious, and did something I’m not used to doing. I invaded his privacy.
And hear me out! I don’t feel good about this at all! I know I wouldn’t want someone doing that to me, so thus I feel very hypocritical, but the sadder part is I knew what I was going to find…
And there they were a set of feminine jugs staring me in the face, with responses like Hmmm, tasty referring to dinner selections. I turned away immediately, hating for having proved my insecurities correct. I sat staring into a dark corner, listening to his snores, feeling an array of emotions.
Anger, that it’s so easy for him to go through with it. Disappointed, at the lack of devotion I thought I would attain by agreeing to this arrangement. I thought it would bring us closer. I thought it would make him try more, but I realized, I still have to beg. Bitter, because he promised that if I agreed to this he would do everything in his power to make me feel secure, But I don’t, instead I feel threatened. Despair, because what If I do lose him. Either way, a girl could steal him from me, or if I’m not able to handle this situation will I have to walk away myself from something that otherwise is everything I ever wanted and makes me so entirely happy. Dissatisfied, I want to be someone’s whole world. That doesn’t really happen when they are considering their options on the next available weekend out of town. Powerless. I gave him everything about myself. I didn’t just jump into this. I cliff dived not knowing if there were rocks hidden underneath the waves.
Alone. It feels so one sided. My am I not enough? I don’t care about there being scientific evidence for monogamy not being natural. We’re also not biologically inclined to drive cars, use the internet, or take antibiotics when we’re sick, but that doesn’t stop us from doing those things. This is because unlike our non-human companions on the planet, we have developed a complex way of life as a result of social and technological developments. When human beings hung around in groups of roughly 150 or so people, spent two hours a day hunting and gathering and the rest of the time, well, what we modern folks would call “slacking off,” the concepts of marriage, paternity, monogamy, private property… well they hadn’t really developed yet. So, much like our chimpanzee cousins, we existed in what might resemble to some a hedonist love-fest where just about everybody made love to everybody and responsibilities for survival were shared equally. You could also die from a toothache because without modern dentistry, the infection would rot through the skull and reach your brain. The point is, very deep, primal aspects of our sexual biology have not caught up to the modern life we lead. This doesn’t mean we should chuck the idea of a committed relationship or monogamy, but rather gives us a basis for understanding the power and cause of certain drives and urges. This means it’s OK for both of you to acknowledge you find other people besides your mate attractive, even letting fantasies play out in your head is OK; provided of course that they remain fantasies. This means more than just grumbling “But I know I’m not allowed to do that” to yourself. It means realizing that despite a physical attraction for an individual, we’re able to recognize that the relationship we’ve built with our partner is something unique and irreplaceable, and that while the urges to spread our genetic material around as much as possible may be calling to us from the deepest parts of DNA, our highly evolved hearts and minds are refined and sharp enough to realize that the urge is just that, an urge. Not a command. And by coming home its a choice. It says. “I chose you.” which is such a power show of devotion.
And at Last I feel Pathetic for having put myself in this situation with no way of escape. I thought I could do this. I honestly did. I thought it was what I wanted, but i didn’t realize how my feelings would evolve in other ways. I can’t stop the jealousy. I can’t stop the pain and heartbreak. Where It never used to offend me, now drives me mad and delirious. It’s like I’m an entirely different person. And I sure as hell don’t want to share. Why should others get some of his attention when I feel I can’t get enough of it myself.
I thought I would have tired by now or at least my feelings would have calmed down, but instead its opposite. Its fanatic and obsessive. Overprotective and selfish. And either way I sit and ponder the situation makes me want to weep. Either I can stay, grin and bare it and live constantly with that longing and resentment. Or I could leave and break into a million shattered pieces for having to lose something that makes me so blissful. I don’t think I can handle this open relationship thing anymore, but I don’t want to lose him either. I feel damned if I do, damned if I don’t. If monogamy is a trained behavior, than I fear that I am too far gone.