Invasion Of Privacy

Standard

Happy Thanksgiving I suppose. In a matter of an hour or so I’ll be suffering through what should have been a delightful family holiday, but instead I will be working with one of the worst colds I’ve had to suffer through in ages. I did manage to have some fantastic sex today but Yesterday consisted of me calling into work for the first time in years. Luckily my bass player Ron took me to the community health center where I am now highly medicated and toilet paper has become my dearest friend. Also managed to get approved for mental health funding so *fingers crossed* I will soon be attending much needed therapy again.

Considering we would not be celebrating the holiday today, Knight and some of the wrestler boys decided to go out on the town. I drank Pepsi and attempted a karaoke song in utter failure only to feel like a downer and had Knight take me back home, allowing him to have a guys night. But upon his drunken return, he resorted to ranting (which I actually don’t mind) but he said a few things that lingered on my brain. Not only was his phone blowing up non stop, but he proceeded to elaborate on the difficulty of Nik’s marriage and how he could be getting pussy but instead goes home to his loving wife and son as though instead it was the large burden to bare. Every time he brings up this topic, which surprisingly has been numerous times, I get this sick to my stomach feeling. I feel as though he’s trying to push a point in my face about how that isn’t what he wants and its disappointing. For once I’m finally in the mentality of okay, yeah, lets move forward, and then this. He passed out intoxicated, which I could only tell by how heavily he was sleeping in a very awkward position. I couldn’t get the constant blowing up of his phone out of my head. He came home early and seemed very distinct on bringing things to my attention, but nonchalantly trying to avoid the topic of his phone. I became curious, and did something I’m not used to doing. I invaded his privacy.

And hear me out! I don’t feel good about this at all! I know I wouldn’t want someone doing that to me, so thus I feel very hypocritical, but the sadder part is I knew what I was going to find…
And there they were a set of feminine jugs staring me in the face, with responses like Hmmm, tasty referring to dinner selections. I turned away immediately, hating for having proved my insecurities correct. I sat staring into a dark corner, listening to his snores, feeling an array of emotions.

Anger, that it’s so easy for him to go through with it. Disappointed, at the lack of devotion I thought I would attain by agreeing to this arrangement. I thought it would bring us closer. I thought it would make him try more, but I realized, I still have to beg. Bitter, because he promised that if I agreed to this he would do everything in his power to make me feel secure, But I don’t, instead I feel threatened. Despair, because what If I do lose him. Either way, a girl could steal him from me, or if I’m not able to handle this situation will I have to walk away myself from something that otherwise is everything I ever wanted and makes me so entirely happy. Dissatisfied, I want to be someone’s whole world. That doesn’t really happen when they are considering their options on the next available weekend out of town. Powerless. I gave him everything about myself. I didn’t just jump into this. I cliff dived not knowing if there were rocks hidden underneath the waves.

Alone. It feels so one sided. My am I not enough? I don’t care about there being scientific evidence for monogamy not being natural. We’re also not biologically inclined to drive cars, use the internet, or take antibiotics when we’re sick, but that doesn’t stop us from doing those things. This is because unlike our non-human companions on the planet, we have developed a complex way of life as a result of social and technological developments. When human beings hung around in groups of roughly 150 or so people, spent two hours a day hunting and gathering and the rest of the time, well, what we modern folks would call “slacking off,” the concepts of marriage, paternity, monogamy, private property… well they hadn’t really developed yet. So, much like our chimpanzee cousins, we existed in what might resemble to some a hedonist love-fest where just about everybody made love to everybody and responsibilities for survival were shared equally. You could also die from a toothache because without modern dentistry, the infection would rot through the skull and reach your brain. The point is, very deep, primal aspects of our sexual biology have not caught up to the modern life we lead. This doesn’t mean we should chuck the idea of a committed relationship or monogamy, but rather gives us a basis for understanding the power and cause of certain drives and urges. This means it’s OK for both of you to acknowledge you find other people besides your mate attractive, even letting fantasies play out in your head is OK; provided of course that they remain fantasies. This means more than just grumbling “But I know I’m not allowed to do that” to yourself. It means realizing that despite a physical attraction for an individual, we’re able to recognize that the relationship we’ve built with our partner is something unique and irreplaceable, and that while the urges to spread our genetic material around as much as possible may be calling to us from the deepest parts of DNA, our highly evolved hearts and minds are refined and sharp enough to realize that the urge is just that, an urge. Not a command. And by coming home its a choice. It says. “I chose you.” which is such a power show of devotion.

And at Last I feel Pathetic for having put myself in this situation with no way of escape. I thought I could do this. I honestly did. I thought it was what I wanted, but i didn’t realize how my feelings would evolve in other ways. I can’t stop the jealousy. I can’t stop the pain and heartbreak. Where It never used to offend me, now drives me mad and delirious. It’s like I’m an entirely different person. And I sure as hell don’t want to share. Why should others get some of his attention when I feel I can’t get enough of it myself.

I thought I would have tired by now or at least my feelings would have calmed down, but instead its opposite. Its fanatic and obsessive. Overprotective and selfish. And either way I sit and ponder the situation makes me want to weep. Either I can stay, grin and bare it and live constantly with that longing and resentment. Or I could leave and break into a million shattered pieces for having to lose something that makes me so blissful. I don’t think I can handle this open relationship thing anymore, but I don’t want to lose him either. I feel damned if I do, damned if I don’t. If monogamy is a trained behavior, than I fear that I am too far gone.

 

Advertisements

The First Argument

Standard

Something I’ve taken pride in since I dated Andrew was the lack of constant confrontation. That was something that made me appreciate that I had something genuinely good in my life. I stayed away from Kiplin because he was toxic. Andrew helped make him part of my past. He knew how to push all my buttons to the point we were consistently at each other’s throats; I don’t miss it. I’ve managed to find the same non-aggressive behaviors in Knight, but almost to the opposite extreme.

I’ll be honest; I blew up. I hit my limit and acted out. Last Wednesday when Knight stated that he doesn’t pursue me because he has already won me stuck in my head for days. I became bitter. I dwelled on it all day at work. Thursday blaming my mood on a bad day on the job, then the next evening I failed to even care and openly admitted it outright when asked. I was distant and snappy. Callous in behavior and as he put it, I had a “Tone“. But I wasn’t ready to talk about it. Not for my sake though. No, instead I was spiteful and wanted him to suffer. He said “You’re not involved in the conversation.” and All I could think of was, “well now you know how it feels.” The point I wanted to prove and later expressed during I suppose what you could refer to as our first real argument was that he may have won me, but if he stops pursuing me than I can leave at anytime.

We have had this conversation time and time again; nicely and kindly, yet even through all my begging, nothing ever changed. With my sister being unsupportive and bitter towards me and with his lack of real affection, it felt as though he was just playing out the motions. Even his return I Love You’s seemed quick and said for humoring purposes. The longing for more from both ends had me exhausted and I felt myself regretting this decision to move here. I was pissed at Deseree thinking, if she’s going to be so ungrateful, perhaps it would have been better if I left her behind to fend for herself. And I know I would have been happy in Austin, but instead I wanted to do the right thing by her and gave that life up. I chose a different path so I could do right by her and I felt in that moment it had become a terrible mess. I feel like I’m reaching at strings. I’m too much an emotional Aries to find common ground with the emotions I’m facing.

Long story short, I was terribly mean to Knight. He’s never had me treat him that way and I can only hope to heaven that he learned something from it. Normally I smother him with affection and boil over with tenderness; but instead I barely looked at him, I responded in one liners and expressed my disinterest in any topic of conversation. I was unimpressed and clearly made the point that he would have to try a lot harder. I wanted to prove to him how differently I treat him from everyone else. That’s another thing that upsets me. He mentions mostly small talk anymore, when compared to when we met, there were slightly more intellectual conversations. I miss those. How many times have I walked away from dates due to lack of interesting conversation. I’ll admit, I’m not afraid to tell a guy “You Lack Depth”. But what happened to Knight? Why the shut off switch? How is food and wrestling the only two topics that are brought up anymore? I hate having to pry any emotions from him with a crowbar.

I tried all evening to be… Well, to hold my ground. Until finally I snapped. I worked all week. I wanted to go out and have a good time, but instead we were sitting around the house ranting about wrestling, which I’ll admit was interesting… … … the first 45 minutes. But my patience rapidly declined and I just walked out. I wasn’t shy about my emotions either. I let everyone know how I was feeling.

I decided to make my way to the Circle Tap down the block alone, But threw out the invite anyway. The point was that womanly way of Hey I’m walking away. Are you coming to save this? I asked if he was coming or staying. He asked what I wanted him to do. I said “I want you to make a FUCKING effort.” He came upstairs. Which I was so relieved by. I know looking back I would have gone to bar and not come home that night otherwise. Because that’s what self-destructive people do. We act out and ruin things. After a moment of awkward silence the truth started to pour out and escalated to the point where I called him names. “I don’t know how to be romantic.” He said. Then I raised my voice in response. “Learn to take a HINT! That’s why I tried to get to you to watch a chick flick you fucking idiot! So you could learn something.”

Them were true fighting words in his eyes. I was frustrated and desperate, but immediately realized what I had said as soon as it had left my mouth and regretted them. He then got up to walk out on me and my world shattered. He said I needed to calm down and we’d talk about it tomorrow, but I pursued him desperately to make him see I didn’t mean those hateful words and I loved him and I didn’t want to be mad anymore I just wanted to make him realize my pain.

Don’t leave me!” I begged with fear of being abandoned. I can’t take another person leaving me this way. Had he left, I most likely would have shut down completely, packed a bag, and left immediately. If they’re willing to walk away that easily, who’s to say it won’t be just as easy later. Leave before they leave you, would have been my normal reaction. But he didn’t, instead he realized and I broke down in his arms completely. Relieved that he chose to stay which meant so many things and his willingness to forgive my vindictive anger and understand the reasons behind it. Everything has been better since then. Even just the little looks he gives me. It’s like he is making an effort to mean the actions, not just do them. He is wonderful in so many ways and sacrifices so much towards this relationship I feel terrible having to nag for more because he his actions truly do speak numbers. But is it so wrong to want to feel wanted?

Mercury Strains Relationships

Standard
Mercury, the planet of communication, has created excess tension lately as it has charted a reeling route through the cosmos, bouncing into other planets like a pinball (figuratively speaking, of course). Given that communication is so crucial to harmonious interactions, your own relationship may have become strained during this time. Not to worry!

Your Harmony Reading will prove especially useful on November 26, when Mercury links up with severe Saturn. Discussions will turn serious as you agonize over details, and reaching agreements will feel like an uphill battle. The best you can do will be to keep a smile on your face and not let it get to you! If you’re able to avoid resentment, this transit will pass quickly — and without repercussions.

Fortunately, by November 28, Mercury will move in a more joyful direction as it aligns with both Venus and Jupiter for a day of whispered sweet-nothings and friendly get-togethers; the opposition between Venus and Jupiter this same day will only add to the merriment. You and your loved ones will feel especially indulgent as you lazily enjoy one another’s company.

The month comes to an end with the Sun shining a soft light on enlightened Uranus on November 30, a day to try something new and different! When doors to unexpected opportunities open before you, be sure to boldly step through them. As scary as the unknown can be, sometimes it can bring amazing improvements to your world!

 

Leaping

Standard

leaping
by rantywoman

I know I’m supposed to tell you this has all been this wonderful learning experience… I’m a better person for the challenge… that I’ve grown and that this was all really good for me.

Instead I’ll tell you it has been terrifying, it has been awful, and it has been heartbreaking.

It’s made me doubt my decision-making ability. It’s made me wonder if I’m in some loop of self-destruction. It’s made me question whether everyone who’s ever told me I have talent, everyone who’s ever said I’m exceptional, everyone who’s ever said they admired what I’ve accomplished… if they were all just, you know, being nice.

 

Full of Dull Moments

Standard

I’m in a good mood, and yet I want to rant. I think I’m slightly bitter and disappointed in people. I try to make an effort, be as grateful as I can for the people in my life and what they are able to do for me. But instead you want to be pissed off when I’m trying to be loving towards you? Or give up when you think you’ve won. You have so far to go its unreal. Just let me give you the benefit of the doubt and say I accept you this way because I know you are capable of a whole lot more. Now step it up! Personally, I’m fed up. I’m exhausted. And if you’re not gonna try then why the fuck should I? Do I seriously need to pull the tough love card for you to understand? I don’t want to be that person. That girl that bitches about everything that’s wrong and lets you feel the burden. I try to shelter you from having to feel that weight on your shoulders because in retrospect, I wouldn’t want to either if the cards were turned. Unconditional love is what I have to give because that’s what I want in return, but when I mess up or need direction I want support and constructive criticism too. I say I’m happy, and to a point I am. But right now it’s just barely. On one side I’m the older sister and I’m the one getting my ass chewed out, or the sour looks because I’ve let you down. But then you want to come back at me with “They aren’t my friends; I’m not doing this again.” I would bend over backwards for you and HAVE! but you want to put me down and degrade me like I’m not trying. Or the other issue that you’ve “Given up chasing” because you feel you’ve already won. Bitches Please. I will always be good at making the best of what I have, and I won’t deny that what I have is wonderful, but I also see that it can be better, and you’re not trying. Happiness is a state of mind, a choice, and I choose to be as grateful and content with what I have. But what you offered before you’ve also taken away. The pursuit is always needed, otherwise I will get bored, It will lose meaning, and I will find it pointless. Don’t let me get to that level because I have more than begged and given fair warning. Before your were anything but dull. I thought I made you happy? What the fuck changed?

Forgive me. I’m venting. If I don’t get it off my chest I feel I will act out something destructive. Before I was the girl who said “Fuck it“. Went out with my girls, got shit faced and had a one night stand without giving two shits. But I do care, and I refuse to react that way without making as clear of a point as I can. But where you say your ex would be lazy and yell at you, was not laziness. That was effort and being rejected. I will not take rejection well, and I likely won’t give you warning before I act out, so I suggest you beat me to the punch.

My real point is you have this low expectation of what will happen. And in the back of my mind I can’t help but think, “Now look who’s being self destructive.” You’re pushing me away as though testing the waters to see how far you can propel me before I walk away. But Honey, I’m not leaving. Through thick and thin I will stand by you…

Doesn’t mean I might not give you grief in the process *evil giggle* But I ain’t leavin.

Sincerely,
Bitter and Angry

Iowa City and Ponderings

Standard

Today was a wonderful day. Knight took me to Iowa City and made a whole day of it. I felt so spoiled that he had set aside an entire day just to spend time with me. I wished the conversation in the car could have been more upbeat, but he says we just spend so much time together we’ve run out of things to talk about, but if you know me, I don’t care if it’s the same stories over and over. I would never get bored with the story of how we met.

We ate at the best little smokehouse where I ate cornbread smothered in chili, cheese, and brisket. It was so hearty I barely made a dent on my plate. We went downtown and found the cheapest parking garage. Knight showed me the sites and some of his favorite places to go when he lived in Coralville. I was very intrigued. I tried to picture the life that he used to have. Where he came from. What his life would have been like. I thought about how lucky I was to have him now and felt so grateful to have him at my side protecting me, hand n hand, from the big loud city. We found the Java House, I was amazed to see it had not changed in the least since I had last seen it years and years ago, and right beside it was still the dress shop in the cellar. Around the corner we found an amazing little alternative store called Om where we found his mom her Xmas present, stocked up on incense, and I found the BEST little book on Buddhism. I was so happy in that store. I loved all the jewelry and dresses and statues and everything! It was a little heaven. Before leaving, Knight spoiled me once again with a GIANT Jawbreaker from the cutest little candy store. I was so happy and licked on it till my tongue went raw. Knight kept laughing at me while I was eating it. I was so happily content. OH and can’t forget the Bubble Tea. We had a smoothie with tapioca bubbles. It was the strangest thing I’ve ever eaten but it was so fun to chew on. I swallowed one whole once and it freaked me out a bit. *giggles* Not to mention the Jpop music videos!

Overall it was a terrific date and I couldn’t help but think all day how happy I was to be with him. Even though he says he’s over and moved on from Alex I still get jealous of her though. The amount of history they had together mostly. I wish I could make such an impact on his life. It brings on the insecurities and I wonder if I’m enough to make him happy. I just need a written list of all the reasons why I’m the one so I can go back and read it instead of having to nag him for reassurance all the time.

On a strange side note, something he said took me by surprise. The topic of how we met on OkCupid was brought up and he randomly said something along the lines that if we ever get married we should get them to pay us since that site isn’t really well known for having people hook up long term. But it really had me thinking as the day progressed. I’d look at him and ponder about a long term future together. I’m not sure how to read his comments, whether they truly are jokes like “I’ll make a housewife out of you yet” or the nonchalant statement of picturing me “pregnant in a sun dress cooking in the kitchen” or if he is subtly testing my reactions like Lindy suggested. She asked what I thought about it. Did I want him thinking those thoughts and the only way I could explain it was this. You know when you go out dress hunting and you’ve tried on a million that are simply just meh. They could work, but they don’t win you over. Then suddenly, you try one on, stand in the mirror and it fits perfectly. It makes you feel like a million dollars and you say “Yes. This One.” and you don’t want to try on a different dress because you’re fully aware there is no point to. You’ve found it. You just know without question. That is how I feel about this relationship. I know for me, this is it. Even looking back I knew it from the moment I first laid eyes upon him. He’s perfect for me in so many ways and he gives me what I’ve always been looking for. I’m genuinely happy. So I ponder. Marriage; a family. Deep down I know I’ve brainwashed myself into thinking I don’t want those things because I always thought I would never have them. A part of me felt I didn’t deserve it or I’d never find the one and die a lonely hag, but life has surprised me and I’m realizing I do want those things. I would love to be a housewife who takes care of my man, who awaits his return after a long work day with open arms and dinner. To kiss him goodbye for work and help out at home in any way I can to make his life easier. I want to be that for him. As for the ideas of the future. My answer is yes. In a heartbeat. I do want those things, but only because its him. I would only want that life with him. He has changed me somehow. Made me aware of things about myself I didn’t know I was capable of feeling. Kip wanted me barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen and I ran for the hills because I could only picture struggle. But Knight is different. I don’t feel that way at all. In fact it’s a euphoric happiness when I picture it. If I can get past my fear of childbirth, then yes, I really believe that could be the life I would want. Four kids and all.

The Stars Challenge Your Relationship

Standard
When Venus runs into rebellious Uranus and possessive Pluto on November 15, your heart will be severely tested. Under Uranus’ influence, tensions will come to the surface, and one (if not both) of you will rock your relationship’s boat. Meanwhile, with Pluto also at the helm, one (or, again, possibly both) of you will desperately try to maintain the status quo. Expect a push-and-pull conflict between freedom and control that will be difficult — but certainly not impossible — to overcome.

On November 17, the full Moon rises in Taurus opposite the Scorpio Sun, making for another challenging transit. Taurus is grounded and practical, while Scorpio is passionate and emotional; both, of course, are extremely stubborn. Somehow you’ll have to find a way to balance these two opposites … but a little ingenuity will go a long way.

Finally, two days later on November 19, the universe will give you the break you’ve been waiting for! An exuberant alignment between Mars and Jupiter will leave you brimming with confidence and willpower. Effort and luck will combine to help you successfully tackle any task on which you set your sights!