Our fatigue is often caused not by work, buy by worry, frustration and resentment. – Dale Carnegie
I am worried. I am frustrated. I am resentful. I can’t seem to accomplish anything these days and I’m letting people down already. This job at JCP is not what I want. Its stressful, highly demanding, and the women there are caddy. They are scheduling me way too often. So much so that I’m not keeping up with school or the house. I’ve even upset my sister for lack of effort at home. I devote time to Knight hoping to get a little action, and to my dismay, nothing. Should have spent that time doing something more productive I suppose, instead of attempting to woo. I’m confused, am I too subtle? Or simply just unwanted? Weird thoughts run through my mind. Even things like, well maybe he’s not touching me hoping I’ll run to someone else for satisfaction so he can too. Or maybe its depression, but I don’t understand what he’s depressed about. He’s surrounded by friends now. He still gets to wrestle. Was he depressed before I came around? Am I the cause of it? Thus the story of resentment. I resent him for not touching me and I fear his resentment that I am but another burden in his life.
MinaKaye: Can I make an inquiry?
MinaKaye: Think you’ll have time to be in “the mood” tonight or do I need to take things into my own hands. I haven’t touched myself in days and don’t think I can hold out any longer.
Knight: Lol, I’ll make time. I honestly keep meaning to but I just haven’t.
MinaKaye: I even put the moves on you the other night and you just weren’t having it. *Bam* out like a light
just haven’t? Am I doing something wrong? Am I not obvious enough?
Knight: It’s not you, babe. I know you’re insecure but trust me, it’s never your fault.
You’re beautiful and loving and I love every but of you. *bit And butt. Lol
Knight: But I don’t know how to get myself revved up sometimes, even when I want to.
It usually just happens. Maybe it’s anxiety, depression, I don’t know.
MinaKaye: So give me some hints. What gets you revved. What does and doesn’t work?
Knight: Just go for it and don’t accept no? I really couldn’t say. Legitimately only had one girlfriend who had to deal with this and she was kinda lazy about that.
Knight: If I wasn’t in the mood or taking initiative, she might try messing around a bit but if I was complaining, she usually gave up and just started bitching at me.
MinaKaye: Complaining about not doing it? While she’s trying to come onto you?
MinaKaye: Yea, That not lazy babe. Thats getting rejected.
Knight: Sure, it seems that way. But I can tell you that if you are persistent, I usually cave. I can tell you outside of the situation what I’d probably do.
I don’t know how else to describe it.
MinaKaye: No, I’d probably react the same way, Thats rejection. And if you have to CAVE then there is no romance in it, so thus, no Point. If its that difficult to be wanted, I’d rather go for the vibrator instead. At least it wouldn’t make me feel unwanted.
Knight: What if the batteries die?
Any phallic object will do. It doesn’t have to vibrate, Just means more work for my fingers. I can get myself off. Thats not the issue. Sex with you is not about getting off. It’s about connection. It’s about your attention and affection. It’s the closest form of bonding. It’s not sex I’m looking for. Its INTIMACY. The one thing that differentiates you and I to a one night stand.
There is a huge difference when a girl looks at you and says “Fuck me
” compared to a woman who will caress you, look deep in your eyes and beg you to make love to her. AND thats where I’m getting frustrated. It really is, in the mind of a woman, you saying “I don’t want you. I don’t want to be that close to you.” And no words will ever shake that insecurity. Thats the point of wanting it spontaneous. By planning it out, it removes the moment of “WANT” and turns it into “Well I gotta do this now”. Passion
is felt, not planned. To be pulled into a random kiss, grab about the waist, it shows that random moment of wanting. No matter what was done to cause it, whether it was a view of her thigh, or the way she looks when she makes dinner, or the contented feeling you get when your happy. The thought should run through your mind where you think, “Her. Yes
Her.” and if I don’t spark that in you, then all I feel is failure. It is not that I’m truly this sexual creature. Its more of the passion you show to me during those times. They are the closest emotions I get from you that seem even remotely close to mine.
Knight: I understand. If I make you feel not wanted, it’s not intentional though. I’m just piss poor and doing that stuff right.
So, How do you create passion with someone whom it doesn’t come to naturally. I have tried to understand it and talk with him countless times and I’m scared it will create animosity if I continue to bring it up. He has said that he is just not like that. I have never dated anyone that doesn’t show passion. In my eyes, it feels like less of an intense type of love. It feels like something is missing or the level of attraction he has for me is lacking. He says that is not the case . I am having trouble understanding the concept of being in love
without passion unless the relationship is unhealthy. And he shows passion for other things in life. Such as when he tells stories of his friends, wrestling shows, and even on occasion his ex, but I’ve never heard him get excited about a story about us to anyone else. Instead is casual and nonchalant. Am I that unexciting or so offensive that he takes no interest in showing me off to his friends?
For me passion is a strong love or desire. The need
to be in my arms. Getting captivated by each others eyes. Getting lost in a moment with a kiss. The moment when nothing else matters, when your love cannot be contained. It may sound cheesy, but there’s not many things in life that can touch someone so deeply as the acceptance and desire one experiences during such embraces. Perhaps he may feel the same way, but what really need is in his actions. It feels like going through the motions. There is no sense of need. It has been my experience that if sex and chemistry are good that enthusiasm is always there. While he says our sex life
is good, which the sex is, the life doesn’t feel like it. I do see the love in his eyes. I just which I could feel some intensity. I’m having a tough time living without it. I guess in some strange way it validates me. I know ideally I wouldn’t need validation, but it feels good to be desired. I don’t think either of us has ever had a true healthy relationship, so I know that this one is different. I know he loves me without a doubt, but it feels like an old love. Honestly, one of comfort and true friendship rather than passion. That being said, I wouldn’t trade what we have for just passion, but I would like a healthy balance.
So what is preventing him? What keeps him distanced? Is it depression? And if it is what can I do? Or is he just not willing?