Iowa City and Ponderings

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Today was a wonderful day. Knight took me to Iowa City and made a whole day of it. I felt so spoiled that he had set aside an entire day just to spend time with me. I wished the conversation in the car could have been more upbeat, but he says we just spend so much time together we’ve run out of things to talk about, but if you know me, I don’t care if it’s the same stories over and over. I would never get bored with the story of how we met.

We ate at the best little smokehouse where I ate cornbread smothered in chili, cheese, and brisket. It was so hearty I barely made a dent on my plate. We went downtown and found the cheapest parking garage. Knight showed me the sites and some of his favorite places to go when he lived in Coralville. I was very intrigued. I tried to picture the life that he used to have. Where he came from. What his life would have been like. I thought about how lucky I was to have him now and felt so grateful to have him at my side protecting me, hand n hand, from the big loud city. We found the Java House, I was amazed to see it had not changed in the least since I had last seen it years and years ago, and right beside it was still the dress shop in the cellar. Around the corner we found an amazing little alternative store called Om where we found his mom her Xmas present, stocked up on incense, and I found the BEST little book on Buddhism. I was so happy in that store. I loved all the jewelry and dresses and statues and everything! It was a little heaven. Before leaving, Knight spoiled me once again with a GIANT Jawbreaker from the cutest little candy store. I was so happy and licked on it till my tongue went raw. Knight kept laughing at me while I was eating it. I was so happily content. OH and can’t forget the Bubble Tea. We had a smoothie with tapioca bubbles. It was the strangest thing I’ve ever eaten but it was so fun to chew on. I swallowed one whole once and it freaked me out a bit. *giggles* Not to mention the Jpop music videos!

Overall it was a terrific date and I couldn’t help but think all day how happy I was to be with him. Even though he says he’s over and moved on from Alex I still get jealous of her though. The amount of history they had together mostly. I wish I could make such an impact on his life. It brings on the insecurities and I wonder if I’m enough to make him happy. I just need a written list of all the reasons why I’m the one so I can go back and read it instead of having to nag him for reassurance all the time.

On a strange side note, something he said took me by surprise. The topic of how we met on OkCupid was brought up and he randomly said something along the lines that if we ever get married we should get them to pay us since that site isn’t really well known for having people hook up long term. But it really had me thinking as the day progressed. I’d look at him and ponder about a long term future together. I’m not sure how to read his comments, whether they truly are jokes like “I’ll make a housewife out of you yet” or the nonchalant statement of picturing me “pregnant in a sun dress cooking in the kitchen” or if he is subtly testing my reactions like Lindy suggested. She asked what I thought about it. Did I want him thinking those thoughts and the only way I could explain it was this. You know when you go out dress hunting and you’ve tried on a million that are simply just meh. They could work, but they don’t win you over. Then suddenly, you try one on, stand in the mirror and it fits perfectly. It makes you feel like a million dollars and you say “Yes. This One.” and you don’t want to try on a different dress because you’re fully aware there is no point to. You’ve found it. You just know without question. That is how I feel about this relationship. I know for me, this is it. Even looking back I knew it from the moment I first laid eyes upon him. He’s perfect for me in so many ways and he gives me what I’ve always been looking for. I’m genuinely happy. So I ponder. Marriage; a family. Deep down I know I’ve brainwashed myself into thinking I don’t want those things because I always thought I would never have them. A part of me felt I didn’t deserve it or I’d never find the one and die a lonely hag, but life has surprised me and I’m realizing I do want those things. I would love to be a housewife who takes care of my man, who awaits his return after a long work day with open arms and dinner. To kiss him goodbye for work and help out at home in any way I can to make his life easier. I want to be that for him. As for the ideas of the future. My answer is yes. In a heartbeat. I do want those things, but only because its him. I would only want that life with him. He has changed me somehow. Made me aware of things about myself I didn’t know I was capable of feeling. Kip wanted me barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen and I ran for the hills because I could only picture struggle. But Knight is different. I don’t feel that way at all. In fact it’s a euphoric happiness when I picture it. If I can get past my fear of childbirth, then yes, I really believe that could be the life I would want. Four kids and all.

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