Full of Dull Moments

Standard

I’m in a good mood, and yet I want to rant. I think I’m slightly bitter and disappointed in people. I try to make an effort, be as grateful as I can for the people in my life and what they are able to do for me. But instead you want to be pissed off when I’m trying to be loving towards you? Or give up when you think you’ve won. You have so far to go its unreal. Just let me give you the benefit of the doubt and say I accept you this way because I know you are capable of a whole lot more. Now step it up! Personally, I’m fed up. I’m exhausted. And if you’re not gonna try then why the fuck should I? Do I seriously need to pull the tough love card for you to understand? I don’t want to be that person. That girl that bitches about everything that’s wrong and lets you feel the burden. I try to shelter you from having to feel that weight on your shoulders because in retrospect, I wouldn’t want to either if the cards were turned. Unconditional love is what I have to give because that’s what I want in return, but when I mess up or need direction I want support and constructive criticism too. I say I’m happy, and to a point I am. But right now it’s just barely. On one side I’m the older sister and I’m the one getting my ass chewed out, or the sour looks because I’ve let you down. But then you want to come back at me with “They aren’t my friends; I’m not doing this again.” I would bend over backwards for you and HAVE! but you want to put me down and degrade me like I’m not trying. Or the other issue that you’ve “Given up chasing” because you feel you’ve already won. Bitches Please. I will always be good at making the best of what I have, and I won’t deny that what I have is wonderful, but I also see that it can be better, and you’re not trying. Happiness is a state of mind, a choice, and I choose to be as grateful and content with what I have. But what you offered before you’ve also taken away. The pursuit is always needed, otherwise I will get bored, It will lose meaning, and I will find it pointless. Don’t let me get to that level because I have more than begged and given fair warning. Before your were anything but dull. I thought I made you happy? What the fuck changed?

Forgive me. I’m venting. If I don’t get it off my chest I feel I will act out something destructive. Before I was the girl who said “Fuck it“. Went out with my girls, got shit faced and had a one night stand without giving two shits. But I do care, and I refuse to react that way without making as clear of a point as I can. But where you say your ex would be lazy and yell at you, was not laziness. That was effort and being rejected. I will not take rejection well, and I likely won’t give you warning before I act out, so I suggest you beat me to the punch.

My real point is you have this low expectation of what will happen. And in the back of my mind I can’t help but think, “Now look who’s being self destructive.” You’re pushing me away as though testing the waters to see how far you can propel me before I walk away. But Honey, I’m not leaving. Through thick and thin I will stand by you…

Doesn’t mean I might not give you grief in the process *evil giggle* But I ain’t leavin.

Sincerely,
Bitter and Angry

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