Move Past The Baggage


Monday night was… eventful. Met up with Crispin and we went to go see the Dish TV boys. Met them at a “Cabaret” called Secrets. The place was dead and served no liquor, but the closed the place down, making us ViP, served us drinks and we were able to spend the night with the place to ourselves, titties and all. It twas a Grand time. Tuesday was… topsy turvy. Went to my first appointment with my new therapist… hes… a handful. Blunt like I enjoy, but almost to the point of mean. Left my phone in Knights car and had to walk home. But spent the evening with Deseree which was wonderful. Picked up checks, verified work shit, bought her xmas and something for mom and gma. Ordered us chinese and inhaled. Stayed up late working on some of my class makeup work, hoping to hell I can pass this damn class. *Crosses Fingers*.

This morning though I’ve been pondering again. About Knight mostly. I continue to try to bite the bullet but can’t get past his need to see other woman.  I try to brush it off my shoulder and move on. Let my feelings go back to what they were, but It hasn’t happened yet. I get close and kiss him, but I can tell my kisses are lacking. I’m still angry. I haven’t forgiven him yet. The funny thing is I want to, but I haven’t noticed any change. No dramatic gesture of love. I just feel like I’m here, existing, not really sure of my purpose to him. I know I’m part of his day to day life, but sometimes I wish he would show me off more, make me feel more important to him. He downs on how Markus posts continuously about Shaina, but what Knight doesn’t seem to get is that is what he should be doing. Maybe not to that extent. I’ll admit Marcus has taken it kinda far, but on the other side of the token he’s proclaiming his love to the world and he’s proud to.

Markus & Shaina

Where I should be grateful Knights not bitching about how much a drag I am on his lifestyle and that he at least claims me when making invites to other women. I don’t feel like he’s proud to have me. And Woman Crush Wednesday can suck a dick. If I couldn’t feel anymore insecure, rubbing all these gorgeous woman in my face that I can’t possibly compare to is torture. I truly try to brush this shit off, but I’m sorry. That shit Pisses me the fuck off. I am not remotely anywhere close to being secure at all in this relationship. I fear it’s gotten way worse since I moved here. Mostly because I don’t feel wanted. Which is so sad because everything else is perfect. He’s handsome, supportive, helpful in SO many ways, works really hard, spoils me a lot, doesn’t make me feel guilty for not being good at being an adult, and doesn’t down my appearance (doesn’t really complement it all too often either, but he has made some attempts more lately which Haven’t gone unnoticed, like saying that skirt was good for my figure or liking a new perfume I was wearing. *Yeah, I noticed*  He’s hands down one of the better men I’ve dated and my family even likes him. So why this challenge? Why does it have to be the awkward lingering thing in the room. It’s hitting me right where I’m the most insecure. I could have handled so many other things easy, but this is becoming hard to swallow.

I want a weekend away, so he can miss me. I feel as though I’ve become so routine. I’m starting to wonder if his ex was the problem or not. He said she couldn’t keep still. I’m questioning if maybe she just needed something more.

On a positive note, he brought up marriage again. And I adore the fact that its him, not me doing so. So I got curious and I asked about it. “Would you actually really consider marrying me?” Of course he made a joke about it, but yeah. He said he was happy with me. The fact someone would actually consider spending the rest of their life with me is very flattering. It wasn’t an answer of yes, I’ll have this big bash with all our friends, it was a yes, I love you unconditionally. And I know he means it. I just hope he and I can move past this baggage we both carry and maybe someday that could be a reality. Until then, it’s a comfort to look forward to what could be my happy future.


Best Ever.


Those moments when he takes out the garbage, brings you home lunch and dinner (and doesn’t complain), then rubs your sore feet before bed. How can you not fall head over heals all over again? To watch him sleep for the brief moment before I crawl into bed and appreciate him for all that he is to me. 

Mars in Libra Calls for a Relationship Assessment

After plowing through hard-working, critical Virgo for the last few weeks, Mars switches gears to sail into social, fair-minded Libra on December 7. Here, Mars will throw its weight and energy behind strengthening relationships and making sure promises are honored. Mars normally remains in a sign for about six weeks, but due to upcoming retrograde activity, this fiery planet will house itself in Libra for eight months — plenty of time to address arguments and apply a fair, balanced approach to issues!

Three days after Mars’ entrance into Libra, December 10 features an engaging alignment between Mercury and Uranus. Conversations will be witty and off-the-wall, for Uranus tends to get people thinking far outside the box. You’ll have no tolerance for boredom — in fact, your main objective will be to keep coming up with exciting little adventures!

With Mars lending its take-action prowess to Libra, the sign of peace and justice, this is an ideal time to take a good look at your own romantic relationship. Is it heaven-sent … or could it use a bit more work?


A Week Inspired by Sagittarius and Mercury

The month ahead is already off to an exciting start, with a fiery new Moon in Sagittarius on December 2 that could help you tap into your dreams! Let the courage of your convictions drown out any naysayers as you think big about your future. Sagittarius will bring adventure, but it will also help you plan thoughtfully for the long-term — an ideal combination for taking a leap into the unknown!

Discussions could turn interesting on December 3, as Mercury and Mars decide to bring tensions to the surface. However, letting others know your grievances — and vice versa — can help you clear the air and move forward.

Mercury then pops up again the next day, December 4, when it flits happily into Sagittarius. Whatever you’re thinking will flow freely out of your mouth, and while some of your thinner-skinned friends could find this somewhat obnoxious, others will find your honesty refreshing and useful.

Mercury puts in one final show on December 6, when it squares off against hazy Neptune. Straight answers will be hard to come by … especially since the questions they attempt to address will be equally vague. Plan on being productive before and after this transit, so when it arrives you can simply sit back and daydream the day away.


“Mouthful of Forever”


I am not the first person you loved. You are not the first person I looked at with a mouthful of forevers. We have both known loss like the sharp edges of a knife. We have both lived with lips more scar tissue than skin. Out love came unannounced in the middle of the night. Out love came when we’d given up on asking love to come. I think that has to be part of its miracle. This is how we heal. I will kiss you like forgiveness. You will hold me like I’m hope. Our arms will bandage and we will press promises between us like flowers in a book. I will write sonnets to the salt of sweat on your skin. I will write novels to the scar on your nose. I will write a dictionary of all the words I have used trying to describe the way it feels to have finally, finally found you. And I will not be afraid of your scars. I know sometimes it’s still hard to let me see you in all your cracked perfection, but please know; whether it’s the days you burn more brilliant than the sun or the nights you collapse into my lap your body broken into a thousand questions, you are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I will love you when you are a still day. I will love you when you are a hurricane. – Clementine von Radics