Though not the breakdown I was expecting, I did briefly find some solace , and gratefully in the arms of my Knight. Communication really is key and he really came through for me today. I felt guilty tearing up in his arms the moment he comes home. A long day only to find me in ruins. “What a burden”, I think when I look at myself, but somehow, apparently he doesn’t see me that way.
I’m well aware of my co-dependent needs. I don’t live for myself. I live for the approval of others; a huge epiphany that was discovered during my last bit of therapy with Bob Nugal. My mother always ranted about how my father wasn’t a real dad. She claimed he didn’t love me like she did. Unconditionally, but even in my naïve innocence; I knew she was wrong about him. Later I would find out she was wrong about it all. She was just as lost and controlled by her mother as I was by her. I was a daddy’s girls and always will be. To him I felt to be the perfect princess, but for my mother I could do no right, and rarely ever received her sign of approval. As humans, that is what we live for, the love of others, and a child will always be desperate for the love of their mothers. As an adult I am now broken, I starve for affection and approval, yet never feel deserving of it when I find it. It has been a large battle to simply accept that I deserve better.
Though Knight never seems to be good with words or romance, he came through tonight. Holding me in his arms and providing me with the comfort I’ve begged for all these weeks. I kept saying “it isn’t sex that I need”; When I speak of passion, it’s one of the ways to show me your approval. That’s why I’m so desperate for it. I cried in his arms, not full-out like may be needed, but some enough to bring brief relief. He petted my head and inquired. With earnest he listened and responded just as I needed him to. “Not good with words”, he says. I think he knows just what to say. I mentioned before I need purpose, but I don’t have one of my own. I live for people and their approval. Deseree seems to want nothing to do with me. She was supposed to be my purpose, but instead even after offering to help, she turns me down making me feel worthless. Then came Knight, winning his way into my heart with his consistent non judging approval. I see a lot of my father in him. That unconditional love my mother spoke of but never understood. His tenderness and has those brief moments where I feel like a spoiled princess. (Such as bringing home the 7 layer taco dip for dinner that I’ve been craving) He listens like Patrick, paying attention when I don’t even notice he’s done so; a favorite quality of mine. Or like the argument I had with Kip and Tristan. Your supposed to trust your husband, but I never trusted either. But Knight, I have complete faith in; no questions asked, no hesitations. He supports my dreams no matter how un-conservative. A wrestler and a band frontman; What an odd couple are we. Still a slight tension headache from stress, but it’s better than it was.
A small sigh of relief in the arms of a loving man.
The wind blows like there’s no tomorrow. The shutters sound like they’ll rip off the house at any moment. My hormones are raging and I feel a breakdown coming on at any time. Things have been up and down and I find myself becoming stagnant and lonesome. I never thought I’d look forward to returning to Burlington, but the upcoming gig with Whiplash Abby for my brother’s birthday is the only thing I feel I have to look forward to. The house is falling behind again, showing my mental state lack of grip on reality. I try to help Deseree and I feel instead of a grateful response to me wanting to help her out, i felt shut down and more of an inconvenience for even offering.
I miss the moments where I’ve had men falling at my feet. Obsessed, enthralled and completely taken over. I adore Knight, but I wish he would look at me that way. I miss the overwhelming feeling of passion burning like a bonfire in your gut to the point where you lose control of yourself and succumb to it; allowing it to take over. Sometimes I even miss the mind games. The stupid, ridiculous mind games that drove you insane with emotions of every sort. I realized, not only do I feel lonely, but bored. My potential not tapped into or even remotely used. Stagnant. Like stagnant water I sit here wanting to run and flow like a river, but instead I’ve been dammed up. The Faucet’s shut off, but the pressure is building and soon I will overflow.
I’m all in a rage. I’m beyond livid and I’m so close to snapping. Drinking has kept me calm but is also taking its toll for the worst. I need another outlet. FUCK I’m so lonely. The only conversations around me involved wrestling which as far as I’m concerned is no more interesting some days than discussing the weather. I want in-depth philosophical debates. Or dreams of the future. I look at myself in the mirror and wonder “Is this all I am?”