my power today lies in remarkable gratitude. I am not a victim. There are no lost causes. “I’ve been there, done that, and know suffering — but it’s all good.” I’m still standing. “Can’t touch this.” Self-pity is an excuse to do nothing. To appeal to sympathy for pity’s sake is to seek affirmation of the choice to do nothing. I am empowered by the spirit and support of meaningful experience and I transform with silent resilience.
I am about to have a cow. I am so stressed, pissed, and frustrated I could pull my hair out. So tonight was supposed to be the grand opening of some bar in Muscatine that my band Whiplash Abby was supposed to play for, but then it was “Canceled” or “Postponed” due to something wrong with their bar taps. Turns out none of this was true and the owner had let go of an employee who was apparently on parole and wasn’t even allowed in the bars. Well, he backlashed, canceled our band, booked others for non existing gigs and wiped out her bank account completely. This in turn made it so I wouldn’t have work at the Circle Tap running karaoke and all the while we are ATTEMPTING to rebook while running into walls and I still haven’t heard back from the guy who is supposed to deliver my new car. *Breaths a huge breath* I have this furrowed eyebrow that won’t go away and can’t seem to shake the tension. One second I’m working, then I’m not, then I’m working, then I switch working, then I’m not working, and now I’m working. I could bang my brain against a wall in frustration. Please something, somebody cut me a break! Not to mention I couldn’t sleep last night. Tossing and turning constantly. So much for my idea to wake up early. I need hugs from my boyfriend… *pouts*
Hmm. Not sure what to think, but I just don’t feel like today lived up to yesterday. I still saw the effort, but not as much of the sincerity. Yesterday we spoke about the future, how to make our dreams attainable. Children are apparently not in the cards, especially not financially wise, but I’m alright with this. Although yesterday I feel like I also missed out on my opportunity. He closed the windows and shut the door, generally a precursor to … you know… but I wasn’t feeling it. But after our discussion yesterday, the feeling on being included in his future and life long goals I felt a glimpse of my feelings reignited. Today I had hopes, but the moment never felt right. Yesterday I felt a romantic spark, but today I felt again like a to do. Perhaps my depression weighed too heavy on him.
In ten years we want to have made the EARTH SHIP a reality, to be financially sound, to pay our way out of debt, and to have jobs that reflect out passions. This house we currently reside in will be part of our lives for at least the next ten years. That gives me plenty of time to bring it up to date, to manage repairs, and up its retail value. In ten years knight will have invested in the mortgage which will allow us to upgrade in due time. The question still stands do we want to keep the house at that point, rent it out, and save up for the earth ship or do we sell and use the upgraded value of the house to put into the next home. The biggest weight of everything is the debt I occurred attending full sail and will be paying for it for the next 20 years most likely. Even today he remarked about how he doesn’t want children and with weighing out our dreams I believe we have decided, unless by some miracle he finds a fantastic income that he loves. I’m okay with this though. Personally I don’t want to deal with the stressors I see that modern day parents in this economy have to deal with. It’s too much. But the point to this is I feel included. We have a dream, a future that I’m included in. A purpose, something to fight for and stop making stupid choices over. This past week has made me remember how stingy with money I used to be. I almost forgot what it’s like to say “Were Broke“, but I’ve felt a since of pride every time I’ve told myself that we are and not to go splurge on Jimmy John’s.
Tomorrow I’m supposed to get my car. Not sure if they’ll come through because they did not return my call today, but I’m crossing my fingers.