Therapy today went AWESOME. Apparently I impressed. He said he thought I was just self destructive but he said that by going through my list and with me explaining what I had done in the past couple weeks that he really see’s what I am in therapy to gain. He seemed really proud of me. He was surprised to find me more traditional than he had first assumed.

I Want:

  1. To plan my marriage, not my wedding. (Too many do and are divorced months later. It’s not about a day, it is about a lifetime.)
  2. A husband to love me unconditionally & tenderly (Like my daddy)
  3. To be a good wife (To keep a structured household and love just as fully)
  4. To always be honest, even overly.
  5. To have a happy medium in life & never worry about where next months rent comes from.
  6. To follow my daily to do & budgets.
  7. To weigh an ideal body weight for my height (110-115 pds)
  8. To perform at Steamboat Days (Lifelong Dream)
  9. To be the most sought after cover band in Iowa
  10. To pay off my school & other debts (Current debt of 41,774)
  11. To learn the hobbies I’ve put off (Sewing & Piano)
  12. To own the Earth Ship (Self Sustained Living)
  13. To be the lead singer of a wedding Big Band
  14. To travel the world, eating all the food, meeting all the people.
  15. To have my other half madly in love with me, like a movie moment. (10 things I hate about you still stands out from my childhood)
  16. To have a Clerical job by day and as a musician by night
  17. To be closer to my siblings
  18. To stand for Freedom and Self-Expression
  19. To not be a Nag
  20. To dance in every summer rain (Remember Kimberly, and her innocence)
  21. To think like a Buddhist by not dwelling on stress and always expressing gratitude.

He was surprised that I stated I was not a very organized person, but when I told him everything that Knight and I had accomplished in the past two weeks he seemed very impressed. He loved my launch pad concept by the door and he was very supportive of my decision to drop out of school, focus on acquiring a job and begin attacking my debts. He never once brought up the problems with Knight and my relationship, which I was grateful for, and instead I explained my purposes behind some of my self destructive behavior that had been mentioned in our last meeting. My slutty factor was based on acquiring the gratification of self worth, to feel loved for the moment, and hope that it stuck (although it never did because none of them were for me) and my voyeurism (mostly pertaining to having a public blog) has been as a place to vent but also as a way to hold me accountable to my honesty. The lies I told in my youth still plague me and I live everyday having to avoid explaining the truth behind them or the reasons I said them to begin with. But now I have the world through this blog to keep me truthful. I can not handle keeping track of the lies and sense I swore myself to complete and utter honesty all those years ago it has made me grow as a person ten fold, even when admitting my faults to others and having the strength to apologize when I’m wrong.

He said to focus on how to make everything come into play. I have a lot of planning to do.