Band practice went AWESOME last night and the boys were all joking and cracking up as usual. I needed that. We were on a roll too. Seemed to be getting the Shakira song down fine, but then went we did Ain’t if Fun by Paramore it just fell right into place perfectly. Then Todd surprised the hell out of me and we learned the Harlem song RIGHT ON THE SPOT! It was great! Not to mention somehow I make it sound like I’m auto tuning myself like it does in the song. NO clue as to how I do that.
Knight sounds as though he is having a terrible day and wants to drink away his problems. Whitney is coming to town to save me from mine, and I think I’ll done myself up in the purple wig again, just because I feel like it. Oh did I mention Tuesdays Punk show? I finally got on stage and sang with “Follow me to Hell.” I missed going to Agrestix shows.
Its been weeks now and I’m steadily deteriorating. I have an all consuming lack of productiveness. I feel swallowed by distress and drowned by failure. I can’t find the willpower to fight back on my own. I need help. I need held. The house shows the condition of my mind.
A cold bitterness crept over me. I stare into the depths of what is my past with a raised eyebrow and a slight disgust for what appears to potentially be my future. Will I remain a prisoner to this grievous situation or do I leap again after so many times before and risk the fate of another destiny? I long for that day before I lost myself. Draped in that floor length knitted garb as I looked to the sky, closed my eyes and let the rain fall upon my face. Droplets landing in my lashes and dripping from my locks. Spinning, Swaying, Pirouetting. I recollect my innocence; a virtue that has since become disheartened by the pain my soul now faces day in; day out. I sit on the porch as I did six years ago under the starry sky of Carolina with the same moment of curiosity weighing on my mind. “How did I get here?”. This was not the life I had intended. This is not the path I dreamed. I did not sign up for this heartache. I used to walk through life with anticipation and hope, but now all seems like a dark alley, awaiting fear and danger. The promise of future pains and afflictions. Again, I have attempted to do as he asks, only to return to my lodgings disgusted and enraged. My only solace is having the heart of an Aries.
“We look before and after, and pine for what is not. Our sincerest laughter with some pain is fraught; Our sweetest songs are those that tell the of saddest thought.” – Percy Bysshe Shelley
Once again, the only thing that can manage to upset him is wrestling. No kiss as he walks through the door, yes he kindly gets me dinner, but no kisses, or hugs, or loves of any other kind. Just stares blindly into his phone, then at the wall, then back to his phone. Not that I think that the reason for his distress is stupid for any reason. It’s the factor that the only thing that can manage to rile him up once again has nothing to do with me. He dwells and sulks, rants and vents, and I finally cave and give him the attention he fails to reach out towards me. Once asleep, I await the update for my sims game with his phone. I fail to play it regularly due to the lack of charge he manages to maintain on it from constant use. A message comes through from Tom wanting to work out, then out of curiosity I wonder if Jenna had actually attempted to possibly cancel due to also starting her period or if that was an excuse he used due to me backing out. If was the truth, but what I found instead infuriated me. The scowl on my face has yet to leave and the bitterness grows. He wonders why I don’t feel wanted, but he never speaks of how he wants me or the things he wants to do to me.
You can only put so much into something and want it to work so much before the energy inside you is completely drained and you just stop caring. Relationships are two sided, like a door, except when it starts swinging one way, it’s exhausting, frustrating, and emotionless. You give and give and give and you don’t get the same emotion and respect back. You keep going though because you care about the other person and you’re kind so you put others before yourself and in the end…..
“We Accept the love we think we deserve.” – Perks of Being a Wallflower