You think you know what you want, then life goes all topsy-turvy. Things backfire, people don’t come through, others turn their back. I don’t know whether to cry or explode with anger.
I thought I needed space from Knight. He wasn’t making the effort I needed him to. So after speaking with my sister who supposedly spoke with Tom. Everything seem lined up and fine. It seemed like an option. Had I only been told there was a problem sooner.
The drama with Knight and I wasn’t anything bad enough I couldn’t handle. It needed to happen. Compromises were being made. I was scared that we would have to break up, but I didn’t want to be unhappy anymore either. I could take the heartbreak of being with someone who couldn’t understand the moment of being surrounded by a thousand fireflies. I needed time apart to reflect and for him to hopefully do the same. But he kept messing up, doing the wrong things as usual, which sent me into a tailspin and I got mad and ran off several times. The final resulting in me just wanting him to get out of my face. I didn’t want to look at him. I demanded he go downstairs.
Mon July 7th 9:04pm:
I know my words are empty now, I don’t even deserve another chance at this point. I’ve let you down too many times. I don’t want to be a pity case anymore. You should’ve been kissed and often and I’ve always known how.
10:18pm: I really wanted to go out and have a few drinks tonight. Instead, I finished the dishes. I felt like it was time to do something that needed to be done rather then what I wanted to be done.
11:08pm: I’ll be asleep on the futon when you get back. I love you.
THE LETTER WHEN I CAME HOME:
I’m so sorry for all the times I’ve hurt you. It’s funny how I’m always called the patient one but in reality, it’s you who’s been the most patient of all. I can only imagine the emotional reserve that I’ve cause you to tap into i order to cope, in order to deal with my inability to be the man that you want and need me to be. I don’t deserve forgiveness or more chances, that is for you to decide. I just want you to know that nothing makes me happier than the thought of a one day wedding reception with taco bar and karaoke, and earthship, a future and family, even if it’s just a derby dog and cat.
I want to keep trying. For you. I will always love you.
Tuesday July8 4:55pm: I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to hurt you anymore. The open relationship is over because either I’m done with that or everything I do in the future would cause me to be done with you and the thought of that right now is infinitely more unbearable.
I need you by my side, baby. Please, please come with me on this ride called life. I love you too damn much to give up now.
I would sell my house, retire from wrestling, and move around the world for you right now. I can’t bear the thought of us not being together anymore. I need our dream of having a home of our own, being together forever and being happy with you more than I’ve ever needed anything in my life. Please don’t give up on me.
Now mind you, Knight owns the entire house. When I met him, he lived downstairs, then he got roommates. But my sister started dating Mallaki leaving me upstairs and lonely, so I had Knight stay with me. As the boys put it “it made sense” to have them switch places. I looked at it as giving the boys more space, never as Knight would not be welcome back downstairs.
Wresters are the meanest people I’ve ever met. They misconstrued my words, backed me into a corner, and persisted to ream me an ass. Saying things like I should be the one to move out, I knew what I signed up for, he puts up with you too. I had no idea how to answer these things. I could understand me coming down there and it being a matter of inconvenience, but they made it personal. They said I’m putting the baggage of my drama on them. I have never felt so hated. They said I burden my sister and I should leave her alone. That she’s her own person and doesn’t need me. Her boyfriend can rot in hell. I broke down. I broke down hard. I could barely compose myself enough to get to work.
At work I put my happy face on and tried to do my work the best I could. I got a couple “you look like shit”. But I wasn’t dolled up like I normally do either. Knight went to talk with the boys, I guess to smooth things over and once again they complicated things.
Tues July 8 9:05pm: I only need to know one thing. Do you want to truly stay and love me or do you want to leave?
me: I truly love you. You are my everything. It’s just been so hard and after so many pleas and begin I had my doubts you would be willing to change. I wasn’t sure if I could take it anymore. I don’t see how you could doubt I love you. I would not have fought this hard for so long if I hadn’t.
9:12pm: I believed every minute babe but today is a different day. I want more then anything to fix it with you and I understand how much Desi means to you. The story I got from them insinuated you didn’t want to fix things, though, that you wanted a place to go first. But I will never be mad at you. I will be forever patient with you, no matter your intentions. I just don’t want to be lied to because the reason I learned to love again was you and I have all the faith in the world in you.
Me: That was when they cornered me and said I should be the one to leave. I screamed that you were the one that hurt me and they apparently didn’t hear the part where I said you and I had made a compromise. I seriously didn’t feel I could make my point while I was down there and felt backed into a corner or they obviously would understand already. I didn’t even get to explain what you and I agreed about you eating and bathing with me. I felt like I would say one sentence then get backed into a corner, jumped with points that I felt they didn’t understand anything I had just said. I said that I was trying to leave you then they jumped my ass about trying but they didn’t let me explain that you actually fought for me and we want to make it work.
9:28pm: They do understand that part now. that I’m trying to fix things, that you weren’t making me move down there, It was to try and give you space for the sake of us. I shouldered the discussion to move down there because it was mine to make. You simply requested it. They told me that you stated your intentions were to leave and you didn’t have a place to stay. That if you were trying to leave, I shouldn’t be the one moving. We’ll discuss it tomorrow over dinner, I don’t want you to get too emotional at work. Just know I love you and that you’re my everything. Sing something fun for me.
me: Well had I decided to leave you I would have requested time to find somewhere to go and to get on my feet. Fuck, they seriously didn’t understand a fucking thing I was trying to say. I just wanted fucked space away from you. I wasn’t requesting a perminate thing. I wanted space to try and figure out what the fuck to do. But because of their complete disregard to let me explain they just made me realize how pathetic I am without you.
Stay home? Alright darling. I’ll be asleep on the futon, if you need anything don’t hesitate to wake me up or cuddle or whatever you need. I want to be here for you.
Me: I can’t be alone tonight. I can only put on a strong front for so long.
Then the worst happened. 30 minutes before I was supposed to shut down, I had taken a sip of my soda, somebody requested a song. I set it there for two seconds and Hammer whipped the mic cord sending my drink spilling everywhere. I wasn’t supposed to have my drink there period. I panicked and started wiping the drink onto the floor, but in my panic knocked the table sending the computer itself onto the floor. It busted. and failed to work any longer. I broke down again, bawling historically in the bathroom. When I finally told dan he didn’t seem worried and told me they were cheap and only 90 dollars. She apparently lied to me and told me 300 and preceded to bitch about being late on their mortgage and now they were down a computer. They are taking my pay to cover the computer. But who knows if I’ll just be let go after that is done. I came home, sat on the kitchen floor and broke down again. He came out to comfort me. I was no longer mad at him. I needed him and I realized in that moment how much he really did love me. “Don’t ever let me leave you.” I said. Because I realized I was nothing without him.
I cant do anything right.
I upset everyone. I wasn’t a good enough girlfriend, a good enough best friend, a good enough sister, or a good enough daughter.
im w o r t h l e s s.
Everything that can go wrong, goes wrong
I’m a failure at everything; all I want to do is
I guess this is the part where I realize that nothing is ever going to go right and I should just give up on life.
not to self: never make plans to get out of your stupid and boring life because you are stupid and lazy and coward and will either freak out before you’re able to see them through or will simply fail because of lack of hability to do stuff.
“Its hard to say what’s wrong when nothing is going right” – Sherif A. El-Mawardy
Okay … I will eat a bucket of ice cream now and cry until I can’t anymore