Yesterday I was livid about the boys downstairs and how it was affecting the relationship between my sister and I. I woke up and venting on the phone to my grandmother for over an hour and she had some really good input. She reminded me to let it go and forget about them. Detach the negativity clinging to my leg thats holding me back and move forward. Sometimes its not what you want to hear, but she’s good and saying what you need to hear. Although I wish sometimes she wouldn’t be so blunt and repetitive, but she was right. I’m letting my sister go for now. She is free to make her own mistakes and I will be waiting for when shit hits the fan. Hopefully one day she will learn to rely on me instead of run from me. Knight has continued to be a positive driving force in my life, and sometimes the things that comes out of his mouth inspire me in a way that make me thing “Now I remember why I chose you.” Although my father was a very religious man, he was a good man, and I when they say you look for someone like your parents in your partner, i certainly see the same in Knight. He reminded me to take the higher road, to be the better man, and continue to kill them with kindness. It made me think to myself that he was more like my father in so many ways. My father, also dumb as a board, but with a heart of gold, and I smiled to his words and knew I was in good company.
On the opposite side of the coin, I’ve been a terrible friend. I haven’t returned barely any messages to my friends or made any effort to spend time or be supportive like I should be. Kayla’s blown up my phone for days, I didn’t respond. Andrew went through DCI finals and also witnessed a man die on a motorbike 10 feet in front of him beforehand, and I wasn’t there, Alicia has sent me her music which took me forever to finally listen to. I called my mother on her birthday then almost forgot to wish her happy birthday, I didn’t call my friend Kayla in Carolina to wish her one at all, I stood up Whitney for Ya Makin My Weekend in the district Saturday because I needed to get Knight to scw (where I couldn’t stand to be), and I blew off Johnny today because I didn’t feel sane enough to drive all the way to rock island to hang out (although I learned the bridge was out and was better I didn’t because (yes) I would have freaked out) … *sobs* I’m a terrible friend and can’t seem to escape this rut. I’ve become so overwhelmed I’m to the point I fail to do anything… I need to get away for a while. Someone come drag me out of bed.
Positive note, At least I’ve spent the time reading books. In the past week or so I have finished The giver, Perks of being a wallflower, And Alanna 1 & 2. After writing this I’m continuing on #3. Hooray for me.