And I don’t mean big girls don’t cry either.
Last night, for the first time in my life, I was referred to as a “big girl” and I’m not sure how to feel about it. Funny thing is though, my first reaction, I was actually offended, Like “Oh no you didn’t”. But then after the initial shock came this sigh of reality, where finally somebody said the one thing I’ve thought for a while, but no one would agree to. I’m a big girl. In a matter of 8 short years I have managed to balloon from a size 4 to a size 16. Now weighing in at 170 pounds from my original weight of 114 which i was for years, (120 when I hit 18) and on my short frame (5’0), 50 pounds makes a big difference. Since I’ve moved to Davenport I’ve become more depressed and more sedentary than I ever have been and that says a lot because I was never a super active type to begin with. I definitely feel the pressures of having to conform to my many boyfriends lifestyles over the years and apparently Taco’s aren’t treating me well. Not to mention I never dance anymore and that was the only thing that kept me a float for years, but I never get to do it anymore because the only time I used to do it (now the boyfriend is around). I had ritual. I would get dolled up to the nines, trying out costumes for the band, and dance in the mirror with the music BLARING, singing at the top of my lungs, practicing my stage presence. I’ve done it since I was… Idk, 11 or 13. It was a refuge, but here’s the kicker. It’s what I did to escape my abusive parents who would storm in and yell at me, so there is this fear of doing this in front of anyone. I can’t do it.
Depression has certainly gotten the best of me. I have an awesome job, things should be looking up, but instead I feel like I’m just coasting, wading through stale bread. I can’t say I’m feeling very positive about my relationship now. From what I understand, he thinks everything is fine and that it will get better. Well, one can only hope. But when we’ve discussed how we feel and what we would like to see happen we never seem to be able to manage a true compromise. Before I met Knight, I remember talking to Patrick about how I wanted my cake and I wanted to eat it too. I wanted someone responsible and motivated like Drummer boy, Passionate like my first love, and romantic like the butterflies. But Somehow I feel like I got fooled. I hate how in interviews people say to show your best side and don’t show your flaws, but the false advertisement has always made me lose my job in the end anyway. Same in a relationship, I feel like, *holds out hand* here are my flaws, but I’d love to show you everything that is great about me. With Knight I feel the flaws weren’t hidden per say, but with his quiet nature they got caught up in his Mystery and had to be discovered over time. I am grateful that he works hard and provides. That was a deal breaker for my dad, but I can’t say he’s responsible. I feel like I have to be a mother and remind him all the time. Constantly reminding, or asking, or nagging even. Which leaves my mind in a constant state of worrying what needs done (thus the need for a smart phone to help). He’s not passionate, well not about me anyway. I just kind of exist in his world and add value. I am not something he orbits around. I am not his sun, and I don’t feel like his moon. I feel like… pluto… small and just hanging around on the edge. I have had passion. I know the fire that builds and drives a person to risk everything, to come running, but there are other things in that take priority and it’s not me. In the beginning, I would say wrestling, but he’s been pretty good at keeping that separate lately, but the open relationship. This ideal he wants to live by. That is his sun and I don’t think I can stick around as someones Pluto. I have become very bitter and resentful of this Sun. This open relationship and I am now at a point that I want nothing to do with it. Oh, “Lets take a break from it for a while to work on us. and we’ll get back to it when it’s fix” There’s no working on it. There is no fixing. Its broken. BROKEN. Kinda like that moment when you see someone beat a mans skull in. Yeah, you don’t walk away from that. That always lingers, always haunts. Had it not gotten this bad, to this point where my resentment is unshakable, maybe. But instead it is now ingrained into my head that this… this is .. a bad idea. It is not healthy, even if in some weird way it could have been, in this scenario, it’s not, so thus I won’t support it. I won’t put up with it, and I, honest to god, feel that we are simply just delaying the inevitable. There is no more spark for me. I have never been in a relationship where the spark went away. With the exception of Graham, I can look at each one of my ex’s and know that there is a part of me that loves, and that spark won’t ever fade. It will always be there. But for Knight, he has somehow managed to make me cringe at the thought of this relationship. The boredom is overwhelming, the lack of interest frustrating. How can a couple feel this old in such a short amount of time? The thought that this is the rest of my life is disheartening.