The worst date.


Over the past weekend I managed to go on the worst date I could ever imagine. Everything went wrong, but I found it surprisingly entertaining. His name was Mike. I met him a while back at the circle tap, but blew him off on several occasions to spend time with Knight (my boyfriend at the time). He eventually gave up. Recently I randomly liked one of his Facebook posts that I thought was funny and then he was blowing up my messenger like it was going out of style. When we first met it was quite awkward but I broke the ice by making him take the 16personalities quiz that I’ve been making everyone take lately. What I didn’t know was that we were the same personality type, which I haven’t come across yet. We spent hours (until 5 in the morning) just talking about everything. So I agreed to let him take me out to dinner. He picked me up looking superficial as fuck and took me to a nice restaurant at the mall, and then it just went downhill. He was mad because he was getting fucked over on a camero he was having restored, then he got mad at the bartender for asking for his id which he left in the truck, but upon returning with the wallet he was drenched head to toe. He had gotten caught in the rain; a momentary downpour. He was livid. The bartender asked him what he wanted again and he snapped at her for not remembering. I tried to make light of the rain soaked shirt he wore that went from a size small to xxl, but he wasn’t amused. We finished our drinks In a hurry because he was cold and demanded he needed to go buy a dry shirt. But not any shirt. A 30 dollar plain v neck tee from the buckle. I could have found the same thing at goodwill for 2 bucks… But whatever he was happy and dry so went back to eat. Conversation got better except he kept mentioning he only dates model like girls (but I was different and he liked me for it) and he invited me to go with to a buddy’s house. A typical stoner with an abusive black girlfriend which a psycho backstory to go along with it. At 12 she was molested and videotaped by her uncle, by 13 she had her baby daughter die in her sleep, by 18 she had her now toddler sons tounge cut out by his father because he wouldn’t stop crying, so not wonder this chick was crazy mad at the world at the mere age of 19. But she got along with me fine. We decide to keep drinking, but he has maxed out his card for the day due to the car situation, so I offered to loan him 20 but instead he persisted on borrowing it from his father. We drove over, walked inside and not even moments after he mentions “can I borrow some cash” his dad’s face blows up like a puffer fish and turns bright red! He starts snapping at him. Mike defends himself stating that he can return the money tomorrow his account had just reached its limit for the day and he had just paid him 800 dollars that he owed him.  The dad replies “I don’t believe you!” I take this as my que to leave… I wait out in the truck with his friend until his return and we use the 20 I had originally offered to buy the beer. Then the storm happens. 

Huge tornado scare, the rain is coming down like wild fire and we are just sitting with an open garage door just watching it all. Between beer and 99 proof peppermint schnapps I was drunk, he was drunk, he was way more drunk, he threw up… Lol but at this point all I could do was sit back at laugh and at least give it to the guy for being such a trooper over the course of the day, so I slept with him anyway.

Not sure why there is a sense of pride in that statement… Maybe because I was helping the guy out, maybe because I was desperate to not go running into the arms of my ex boyfriend for once, or maybe it was the booze and I just said fuck it. But it happened, ta da… He’s been texting me… I haven’t answered *evil laugh*

Send me Cuddles


Not a great day, but a better day. I think I just needed to vent a bit and get things off my chest. Ran into a snag with the landlords here at the trailer park. Hopefully that will get fixed tomorrow. As for my stress levels, I guess I just needed a nice shower. Cuddles help to. I could use more cuddles.



I’m so mad right now, I cannot even fathom reality. What originated as a good weekend quickly went down the shitter in a matter of a few words.

Took Knight to go see Mad Max in theaters. I was… surprised by my level of enjoyment over an action flick, followed by the masterpiece of food aka chipotle. Then back over to his place to get dolled up and give my new wig a test drive while doing a little Pre-gaming. I was happy and content. The world made sense. I was enjoying time with my bestie and socializing with my soon to be roommate Ronnie, the girl who has also somewhat become besties with my sister. I was coming to terms with whatever Knight and I were becoming, and I was fine with it. The future has full potential.

But then he decided to shit on the past.

What Knight apparently fails to realize is how terribly difficult the break up was for me. To be frank, I NEVER wanted to break up. What I wanted was a hiatus. Time apart without the worry and come back to hit the reset button. But his passive aggressive behavior bellowed otherwise. It was like a consistent array of *hint hints* followed by denial and retraction. It easily could have been a cheesy cliche moment had he been honest with his feelings, although I’m not certain I would have been able to handle the truth anyway… thus… this rant. When everything was said and done he knew I was fragile, but from everything I’ve learned, he obviously had little to no respect for me. In the world there are rules you follow, or you’re just an asshole. Wrestlers are assholes, but I thought that maybe he would care enough about me to not act like your typical wrestler and handle the break up in a way that would make the transition of losing him tolerable. Out of respect there is a two week mourning period for every six months of dating. I even posted a blog about it the night of the break up and stated how terribly upset I would be should he go running around with women so soon after our break up. I said it loud and clear, but it sure as hell didn’t stop him.

Typically I respect him for being a truthful man. It’s one of his few saving qualities, but sometimes he’s completely oblivious. So it was brought to my attention, that even though he went SO FUCKING FAR out of his way to guarantee and put my mind at ease about this woman moving downstairs to live with him; that there would be nothing between them, Not even three weeks after he kicked our relationship to the curb, he fucked her. His new roommate…. and in a few days or couple weeks MY NEW ROOMMATE. So yes, dump that on my plate why don’t ya, fucking prick. So try to be cordial as I may, I couldn’t look at her with even the slightest amount of real kindness. Only resentment and loathing. For days I have sat with this venom coursing through my mind, driving me into a state of fury that I can’t shake.

Which also angers me because FINALLY I was getting to this point of (its in the past) Lets move on and establish our friendship as something new. I had finally come to terms with the death of potential mrs Knight W. But then he had to fuck with my memory. Which was already painful and hard to move past. But what did help me move on was how it ended. It had good moments, at least I thought he was attempting to be respectful of how I felt, but instead it sounds more like after being unchained from me he went and threw a fucking toga party to celebrate.

Strangely I’m most confused because I have had to somehow separate my friend Knight, from my ex Knight. It feels like my best friend just ratted my ex out to me. Somehow i’m fine with my new roommate Knight, But I have it out for Ex Boyfriend Knight with a wrath vengeance that doesn’t want to quit. I want to slap him across the face and scream about how he never cared about me and how could he do something so hateful, knowing full well that Ronnie was going to be involved in our lives in some way shape or form… aka my sisters new bestie (no thats not awkward at all..) or the fact that after I got the wheels in motion for me to move in… then he tells me, and now i’m going to be faced with her as my roommate. I seriously don’t understand why he decided to tell me. I mean, MAYBE after she decides to move out, But by that point I wouldn’t have to be confronting her on a daily basis. But I honestly wish I didn’t find this one out… I thought the rule was no one in the mutual circle. I thought that was something we had agreed upon long ago. Why is it so difficult to just go fuck a random stranger that I don’t know or have no chance to know¬†personally. ¬†

What it all really does is just reinforce the fact that I wasn’t worth the time to grieve…

A Solution


*Sigh of relief*

I stood against a wall bashing my forehead repeatedly against it, struggling to comprehend if I had any means of escape. With the band not playing out and losing my karaoke spot, my ability to afford my current living situation has been a consistent struggle. When Knight proposed the idea of me moving back in I was consoled by the offer, but was faced with trials in regards to the roommate situation as she didn’t seem very willing to cooperate like she had originally promised. Not only has she been unable to locate a substitute roommate but also held the fact that I signed a lease against me (when originally discussed, was not what was agreed upon) but in order to get her and her daughter out of the toxic roommate situation she was in, I bent over backwards and did everything I could to help out. I was starting to pace in frustration having no way out of a position that I could scarcely afford. Thankfully Serendipity came to save the day.

Several weeks back my good friend Neal came to stay due to having a job interview at a Hospital in Rock Island. He contacted me several days ago informing me that he acquired the new job position but would have no where to stay, let alone afford anything initially until he received his first paycheck. Then epiphany struck, and after a brief discussion with Jennifer she agreed with the idea of him taking over my place on the lease. He also seemed relieved that he wouldn’t have to be sleeping in his jeep and bathing in the hospital bathroom for weeks. Things may be moving quicker than anticipated, but overall I’m so relieved about everything. It’s a win, win, win situation. I get to move into a place I can afford, Jennifer isn’t left stranded with no way to afford a roof over her daughter’s head, and Neal gets a temporary residence while starting his new place of employment without having to drive an hour and a half back and forth to Yarmouth every morning and night. Blessed be to the universe. Law of Attraction working at its best. Not to mention, when I think about it Neal and Jennifer have a LOT in common. They are both OCD know it alls, so I think they will make excellent roommates and friends. Although sometimes that is known to clash, but Neal doesn’t really clash with anyone, he just sometimes weirds them out a little bit. I already have the rent for June paid off, so once Neal gets up here, we can fill out all the necessary paperwork for the lease transfer and then begin the moving process, and just pay me back with his first paycheck. He had mentioned purchasing a blowup air mattress, but I told him that’s pointless and just to use my bed for awhile, since there is a twin bed at Knights. Which, truth be told, I have an ulterior motive for wanting to use (So Matt can’t spend the night).

Matt and I have been butting heads for a good week now. His personality has done a 180. He’s gone from annoyingly sweet to bitterly cruel and spiteful. Sadly I was using him for little things because I couldn’t afford anything, but now that I’ll be moving out into Knights I won’t be reliant on him anymore. I figure I’ll let him fix my sparkplugs and then wait for him to piss me off again and finally cut ties. I thought my finances were what was stressing me out, but even with the relief of knowing everything is going to be fine knowing that he is still clinging to me for dear life is suffocating. I officially can not stand to have to answer to anybody. His constant demands and high expectations are overwhelming. I even made a Pro’s and Con’s list about him and the con’s considerably outweighed the pro’s. Even though Knight and I aren’t a thing anymore, being with Matt has allowed me to reflect and feel grateful for the relationship I had and have with Knight. I appreciate so much that he does. It has left me feeling… Loyal. I know thats a weird way to describe it, but I think there is alot that comes along with loyalty. I feel protective should anyone try to mess with him, I’d defend him to the end, I want to encourage all his endeavors, and help out anyway I can. There are some friendships (even as weird as they are) that come into our lives and leaves an everlasting impression. Although I may not have understood when we met the connection I felt, it has certainly transformed into something powerful in my life. Something like that footprints in your heart quote?

In good news, Kayla and Graham are purchasing a house in Muscatine so now I’ll have two besties living in town or close by. I think that should help out alot with my home sickness.