LIVID

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I’m so mad right now, I cannot even fathom reality. What originated as a good weekend quickly went down the shitter in a matter of a few words.

Took Knight to go see Mad Max in theaters. I was… surprised by my level of enjoyment over an action flick, followed by the masterpiece of food aka chipotle. Then back over to his place to get dolled up and give my new wig a test drive while doing a little Pre-gaming. I was happy and content. The world made sense. I was enjoying time with my bestie and socializing with my soon to be roommate Ronnie, the girl who has also somewhat become besties with my sister. I was coming to terms with whatever Knight and I were becoming, and I was fine with it. The future has full potential.

But then he decided to shit on the past.

What Knight apparently fails to realize is how terribly difficult the break up was for me. To be frank, I NEVER wanted to break up. What I wanted was a hiatus. Time apart without the worry and come back to hit the reset button. But his passive aggressive behavior bellowed otherwise. It was like a consistent array of *hint hints* followed by denial and retraction. It easily could have been a cheesy cliche moment had he been honest with his feelings, although I’m not certain I would have been able to handle the truth anyway… thus… this rant. When everything was said and done he knew I was fragile, but from everything I’ve learned, he obviously had little to no respect for me. In the world there are rules you follow, or you’re just an asshole. Wrestlers are assholes, but I thought that maybe he would care enough about me to not act like your typical wrestler and handle the break up in a way that would make the transition of losing him tolerable. Out of respect there is a two week mourning period for every six months of dating. I even posted a blog about it the night of the break up and stated how terribly upset I would be should he go running around with women so soon after our break up. I said it loud and clear, but it sure as hell didn’t stop him.

Typically I respect him for being a truthful man. It’s one of his few saving qualities, but sometimes he’s completely oblivious. So it was brought to my attention, that even though he went SO FUCKING FAR out of his way to guarantee and put my mind at ease about this woman moving downstairs to live with him; that there would be nothing between them, Not even three weeks after he kicked our relationship to the curb, he fucked her. His new roommate…. and in a few days or couple weeks MY NEW ROOMMATE. So yes, dump that on my plate why don’t ya, fucking prick. So try to be cordial as I may, I couldn’t look at her with even the slightest amount of real kindness. Only resentment and loathing. For days I have sat with this venom coursing through my mind, driving me into a state of fury that I can’t shake.

Which also angers me because FINALLY I was getting to this point of (its in the past) Lets move on and establish our friendship as something new. I had finally come to terms with the death of potential mrs Knight W. But then he had to fuck with my memory. Which was already painful and hard to move past. But what did help me move on was how it ended. It had good moments, at least I thought he was attempting to be respectful of how I felt, but instead it sounds more like after being unchained from me he went and threw a fucking toga party to celebrate.

Strangely I’m most confused because I have had to somehow separate my friend Knight, from my ex Knight. It feels like my best friend just ratted my ex out to me. Somehow i’m fine with my new roommate Knight, But I have it out for Ex Boyfriend Knight with a wrath vengeance that doesn’t want to quit. I want to slap him across the face and scream about how he never cared about me and how could he do something so hateful, knowing full well that Ronnie was going to be involved in our lives in some way shape or form… aka my sisters new bestie (no thats not awkward at all..) or the fact that after I got the wheels in motion for me to move in… then he tells me, and now i’m going to be faced with her as my roommate. I seriously don’t understand why he decided to tell me. I mean, MAYBE after she decides to move out, But by that point I wouldn’t have to be confronting her on a daily basis. But I honestly wish I didn’t find this one out… I thought the rule was no one in the mutual circle. I thought that was something we had agreed upon long ago. Why is it so difficult to just go fuck a random stranger that I don’t know or have no chance to know personally.  

What it all really does is just reinforce the fact that I wasn’t worth the time to grieve…

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