Kick Him To The Curb

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So Wednesday night Kayla beat everybody to the punch. I left Zack at home so I could go down to Burlington on my own and spend some quality time with my dad. But I started having so much fun without him there. Kayla came down and dad brought his band. Can’t remember what happened to my pay so I wish I had taken it a bit easier on the beer but none the less I know I had a blast. We ended up over at Brian’s. Zack started blowing my phone up but Kayla answered instead and man did she give him a mouthful. She essentially broke up with him for me. All I could do was laugh in the background. This I think is what best friends are for. In the morning Kayla said she was scared I wasn’t going to stick to my guns but I did. I told him I was done with the relationship and I wanted him to move out. After a cold walk down to my car which I had left at the Brew, I made my hung over self down to Burlington. Dad and I spent the evening eating homemade potato soup and watching movies. I even took a bubble bath once he passed out. Zack called me begging for another chance. I just don’t see it working out though. I’ve enjoyed this past day without him. I’m not as stressed and the only stress I do have is when I’m thinking about having to kick him out on the street in this cold weather. Who seriously doesn’t have their life together so badly and burns every bridge that they legitimately have no where to go. I finally told dad everything and he seems to back me up when it comes to leaving him. Once again I just have to stick to my guns but the boy just doesn’t listen. All he can here is whatever he plans to say next. How does somebody logically kick someone out into the cold. Did I mention he even managed to piss off his Lawyer on the phone, proving my point that he doesn’t listen to the question being asked he just jumps to the first conclusion in his head and gets defensive. But I’m not his mother and he is not my responsibility. He claims he can do so well for himself on the street, well then let him do it.

Christian Care – Rock Island 309 786 5734

Humility of Mary Shelter – 563 322 8065

180 – 563-424-4589

King’s Harvest – 563-514-8124

Boyfriend Burnout

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I’m exhausted. Mentally fatigued. I don’t even have the energy to fight anymore. Today was the one day that I had a day to relax and do nothing for myself and he managed to ruin that as well. On the pro side I did get to sleep in for once, but I asked him if he had checked my messages because a message from Kayla had been read that I didn’t remember looking at, which i thought it plausible that I did when I was half awake, but I asked him, he became defensive and it blew up from there. I didn’t even want to take him to workforce to try and find a job, I just wanted him to go away. He keeps asking if I love him and I don’t even know what to say anymore. I question if I’m lying when I say that I do or if I’m just saying it to humor him. I know I care. I cannot stand the idea of having to put him on the street living homeless again, but then again at this point I’m also getting to where I don’t care. He’s running me dry.

I took him home with me to Burlington this weekend to visit my friends and family and things blew apart again. I thought everything was fine at the model stranger show. I knew we were having problems and I spoke to my brother a bit about it. He opened up to my brother when he tried to help out but my brother said he just kept making it about him. That night I was tired and went to put us to bed at Lindy’s. He woke me up to sex and tried going down on me. That took a lot for me to open up to. He kept pushing the issue for 69 but I told him I didn’t feel comfortable doing that. He tried to do it anyway and when I told him I was no longer turned on because of it he flipped the fuck out saying I didn’t love him. Broke up with me then cried about some tangent about how everyone he cares about leaves him. This went on until six in the morning. I had no more energy to fight or attempt to comfort him. I told him again what he wanted to hear, made him lay down and finally go to sleep. I woke up to my good friend Alicia having been in a serious dispute with her husband Joe. He kicked her in her stomach. But I was also so exhausted I wasn’t worth a damn to even give her advice. I had my brother take me to my car at the Washington and told him some of my thoughts. He seems to notice I care about Zack, but I think it also made me realize that I give up and don’t care to try anymore. He’s pushed me away so far that I don’t care what happens to him. I’m to the point that I hope he doesn’t find a job and I can just leave him at the courthouse in Muscatine after I make sure he attends to I can get my bail money I posted for him. Note to self, don’t ever let a guy move in.

The entire drive home from Burlington I was exhausted. But reaming him an ass kept me awake. I told him I wasn’t his mother. I flipped out when I found out he had deleted a message from Jordan Wagner (some random guy hitting on me). I wasn’t upset that he had responded to the man. I was upset because first, once again he invaded my privacy (A lack of trust and possessive jealousy), he didn’t let me defend myself and do the right thing (a lack of faith and assuming), and he tried to hide it (lying). He throws fits and pouts like a child. I am not his mother. I shouldn’t have to babysit him every step of the way. I’m a lazy bum and could have managed to find a job by now, his résumé and interview skills suck, and I shouldn’t have to leave him a to do list everyday to make sure something gets done. The pro’s are not outweighing the cons. I still haven’t found any relief for time for myself, all my energy goes into watching over him or making sure he’s feeling secure enough so that he doesn’t lash out at me and cause more drama. I’m ready. I’m done. I can’t wait for this week and two days to be over so I can just sigh with relief. I will miss him though.

The Beginning of The End

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11/18/15 

So on the opposite end of the spectrum; My patience is wearing thin. As wonderful as Zack is, he drives me insane just as much.

Communication is lacking. I can not figure out if A: He’s dumb B: There’s a cultural communication barrier or C: He’s just an asshole who’s not paying attention to what i’m actually saying and only hearing what he wants thus turning my words around resulting in a very angry and frustrated aries girl.

His insecurity will be his downfall. In a matter of weeks I went from enamored to resentful. To be honest it was in a matter of days after the three month curse. I should have known to wait. Why did I rush things? He just seemed too good to be true and when I thought the ball dropped I thought it was something I could handle. His jail time and what not, but no, that wasn’t the ball.  Instead he holds the fact that I supposedly cheated on him while he was in jail. First off, we weren’t facebook official yet and I told him we weren’t a thing until then, secondly he supposedly forgave me for it, but continues to hold it over my head. That isn’t forgiveness.  He lacks trust in me so much, that I can’t even go spend private quality time with my best friends because he thinks i’m going to run off and get blackout drunk and cheat. He won’t even get a job because he’s scared to leave me alone. My freedom is nonexistent. I haven’t had a moment to breathe. I thought things would be fine once he started working, but it’s been two months with me and he hasn’t found any work. At this point there is no excuse and I’m beginning to realize he’s just a bunch of talk. He invades my privacy regularly. Last night I changed the password on my phone, and took it off so he could use my phone to call village inn that morning, but then lied to me saying that he tried to call but couldn’t because I had changed the code on my phone, so that says two things to me. A: He had already attempted to go through my stuff when I wasn’t around, and B: he lied about trying to call because there was no password.

My biggest debate is can I live up to my word and take him back to the shelter if I have too. I need to wait until I make sure he attends his court date Dec 4th so I can get the return from the bail. The red flags just came so suddenly, but he is not accepting me who I am as a person so somehow I’m going to have to explain this just isn’t working out. I feel like his mother having to hold his hand through every experience. Whether it’s getting a job or leaving him with a to do list when he stays home. I’m thinking I just need to find a safe place to put him. When he cries when I leave him I will tell him “Then prove me wrong”. Show me you are better than I have seen. Actions speak louder than words and you have shown me nothing to prove your worth to me.

As romantic as he is, it just feels like it’s becoming toxic. The constant fighting and bickering. I spend more time trying to appease his insecurities than I do actually enjoying his time and company. It’s more like a live him personal assistant that I just tell what I need done. He is going to be in such a bad place come December should I send him back to the shelter, but what if the shelter isn’t willing to take him back? I can’t just put him out on the street, but will his family be willing to take him in? Unlikely, which makes the situation even more pathetic. Going to show why I took him in to begin with.
I genuinely would love to give him all the chance in the world. He was able to make me happy, but now it’s to the point where I am only stressed and I cannot cope financially anymore. I can’t juggle all my plates if he’s always running around me knocking them down. He’s become more of a chore than a blessing. Even today when applying and attempting to contact a job he applied for the wrong location *facepalm* once again making me have to look it up and practically do it for him. I feel like a damn babysitter.