The Beginning of The End

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11/18/15 

So on the opposite end of the spectrum; My patience is wearing thin. As wonderful as Zack is, he drives me insane just as much.

Communication is lacking. I can not figure out if A: He’s dumb B: There’s a cultural communication barrier or C: He’s just an asshole who’s not paying attention to what i’m actually saying and only hearing what he wants thus turning my words around resulting in a very angry and frustrated aries girl.

His insecurity will be his downfall. In a matter of weeks I went from enamored to resentful. To be honest it was in a matter of days after the three month curse. I should have known to wait. Why did I rush things? He just seemed too good to be true and when I thought the ball dropped I thought it was something I could handle. His jail time and what not, but no, that wasn’t the ball.  Instead he holds the fact that I supposedly cheated on him while he was in jail. First off, we weren’t facebook official yet and I told him we weren’t a thing until then, secondly he supposedly forgave me for it, but continues to hold it over my head. That isn’t forgiveness.  He lacks trust in me so much, that I can’t even go spend private quality time with my best friends because he thinks i’m going to run off and get blackout drunk and cheat. He won’t even get a job because he’s scared to leave me alone. My freedom is nonexistent. I haven’t had a moment to breathe. I thought things would be fine once he started working, but it’s been two months with me and he hasn’t found any work. At this point there is no excuse and I’m beginning to realize he’s just a bunch of talk. He invades my privacy regularly. Last night I changed the password on my phone, and took it off so he could use my phone to call village inn that morning, but then lied to me saying that he tried to call but couldn’t because I had changed the code on my phone, so that says two things to me. A: He had already attempted to go through my stuff when I wasn’t around, and B: he lied about trying to call because there was no password.

My biggest debate is can I live up to my word and take him back to the shelter if I have too. I need to wait until I make sure he attends his court date Dec 4th so I can get the return from the bail. The red flags just came so suddenly, but he is not accepting me who I am as a person so somehow I’m going to have to explain this just isn’t working out. I feel like his mother having to hold his hand through every experience. Whether it’s getting a job or leaving him with a to do list when he stays home. I’m thinking I just need to find a safe place to put him. When he cries when I leave him I will tell him “Then prove me wrong”. Show me you are better than I have seen. Actions speak louder than words and you have shown me nothing to prove your worth to me.

As romantic as he is, it just feels like it’s becoming toxic. The constant fighting and bickering. I spend more time trying to appease his insecurities than I do actually enjoying his time and company. It’s more like a live him personal assistant that I just tell what I need done. He is going to be in such a bad place come December should I send him back to the shelter, but what if the shelter isn’t willing to take him back? I can’t just put him out on the street, but will his family be willing to take him in? Unlikely, which makes the situation even more pathetic. Going to show why I took him in to begin with.
I genuinely would love to give him all the chance in the world. He was able to make me happy, but now it’s to the point where I am only stressed and I cannot cope financially anymore. I can’t juggle all my plates if he’s always running around me knocking them down. He’s become more of a chore than a blessing. Even today when applying and attempting to contact a job he applied for the wrong location *facepalm* once again making me have to look it up and practically do it for him. I feel like a damn babysitter.

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