I’m exhausted. Mentally fatigued. I don’t even have the energy to fight anymore. Today was the one day that I had a day to relax and do nothing for myself and he managed to ruin that as well. On the pro side I did get to sleep in for once, but I asked him if he had checked my messages because a message from Kayla had been read that I didn’t remember looking at, which i thought it plausible that I did when I was half awake, but I asked him, he became defensive and it blew up from there. I didn’t even want to take him to workforce to try and find a job, I just wanted him to go away. He keeps asking if I love him and I don’t even know what to say anymore. I question if I’m lying when I say that I do or if I’m just saying it to humor him. I know I care. I cannot stand the idea of having to put him on the street living homeless again, but then again at this point I’m also getting to where I don’t care. He’s running me dry.
I took him home with me to Burlington this weekend to visit my friends and family and things blew apart again. I thought everything was fine at the model stranger show. I knew we were having problems and I spoke to my brother a bit about it. He opened up to my brother when he tried to help out but my brother said he just kept making it about him. That night I was tired and went to put us to bed at Lindy’s. He woke me up to sex and tried going down on me. That took a lot for me to open up to. He kept pushing the issue for 69 but I told him I didn’t feel comfortable doing that. He tried to do it anyway and when I told him I was no longer turned on because of it he flipped the fuck out saying I didn’t love him. Broke up with me then cried about some tangent about how everyone he cares about leaves him. This went on until six in the morning. I had no more energy to fight or attempt to comfort him. I told him again what he wanted to hear, made him lay down and finally go to sleep. I woke up to my good friend Alicia having been in a serious dispute with her husband Joe. He kicked her in her stomach. But I was also so exhausted I wasn’t worth a damn to even give her advice. I had my brother take me to my car at the Washington and told him some of my thoughts. He seems to notice I care about Zack, but I think it also made me realize that I give up and don’t care to try anymore. He’s pushed me away so far that I don’t care what happens to him. I’m to the point that I hope he doesn’t find a job and I can just leave him at the courthouse in Muscatine after I make sure he attends to I can get my bail money I posted for him. Note to self, don’t ever let a guy move in.
The entire drive home from Burlington I was exhausted. But reaming him an ass kept me awake. I told him I wasn’t his mother. I flipped out when I found out he had deleted a message from Jordan Wagner (some random guy hitting on me). I wasn’t upset that he had responded to the man. I was upset because first, once again he invaded my privacy (A lack of trust and possessive jealousy), he didn’t let me defend myself and do the right thing (a lack of faith and assuming), and he tried to hide it (lying). He throws fits and pouts like a child. I am not his mother. I shouldn’t have to babysit him every step of the way. I’m a lazy bum and could have managed to find a job by now, his résumé and interview skills suck, and I shouldn’t have to leave him a to do list everyday to make sure something gets done. The pro’s are not outweighing the cons. I still haven’t found any relief for time for myself, all my energy goes into watching over him or making sure he’s feeling secure enough so that he doesn’t lash out at me and cause more drama. I’m ready. I’m done. I can’t wait for this week and two days to be over so I can just sigh with relief. I will miss him though.