Something I’ve taken pride in since I dated Andrew was the lack of constant confrontation. That was something that made me appreciate that I had something genuinely good in my life. I stayed away from Kiplin because he was toxic. Andrew helped make him part of my past. He knew how to push all my buttons to the point we were consistently at each other’s throats; I don’t miss it. I’ve managed to find the same non-aggressive behaviors in Knight, but almost to the opposite extreme.
I’ll be honest; I blew up. I hit my limit and acted out. Last Wednesday when Knight stated that he doesn’t pursue me because he has already won me stuck in my head for days. I became bitter. I dwelled on it all day at work. Thursday blaming my mood on a bad day on the job, then the next evening I failed to even care and openly admitted it outright when asked. I was distant and snappy. Callous in behavior and as he put it, I had a “Tone“. But I wasn’t ready to talk about it. Not for my sake though. No, instead I was spiteful and wanted him to suffer. He said “You’re not involved in the conversation.” and All I could think of was, “well now you know how it feels.” The point I wanted to prove and later expressed during I suppose what you could refer to as our first real argument was that he may have won me, but if he stops pursuing me than I can leave at anytime.
We have had this conversation time and time again; nicely and kindly, yet even through all my begging, nothing ever changed. With my sister being unsupportive and bitter towards me and with his lack of real affection, it felt as though he was just playing out the motions. Even his return I Love You’s seemed quick and said for humoring purposes. The longing for more from both ends had me exhausted and I felt myself regretting this decision to move here. I was pissed at Deseree thinking, if she’s going to be so ungrateful, perhaps it would have been better if I left her behind to fend for herself. And I know I would have been happy in Austin, but instead I wanted to do the right thing by her and gave that life up. I chose a different path so I could do right by her and I felt in that moment it had become a terrible mess. I feel like I’m reaching at strings. I’m too much an emotional Aries to find common ground with the emotions I’m facing.
Long story short, I was terribly mean to Knight. He’s never had me treat him that way and I can only hope to heaven that he learned something from it. Normally I smother him with affection and boil over with tenderness; but instead I barely looked at him, I responded in one liners and expressed my disinterest in any topic of conversation. I was unimpressed and clearly made the point that he would have to try a lot harder. I wanted to prove to him how differently I treat him from everyone else. That’s another thing that upsets me. He mentions mostly small talk anymore, when compared to when we met, there were slightly more intellectual conversations. I miss those. How many times have I walked away from dates due to lack of interesting conversation. I’ll admit, I’m not afraid to tell a guy “You Lack Depth”. But what happened to Knight? Why the shut off switch? How is food and wrestling the only two topics that are brought up anymore? I hate having to pry any emotions from him with a crowbar.
I tried all evening to be… Well, to hold my ground. Until finally I snapped. I worked all week. I wanted to go out and have a good time, but instead we were sitting around the house ranting about wrestling, which I’ll admit was interesting… … … the first 45 minutes. But my patience rapidly declined and I just walked out. I wasn’t shy about my emotions either. I let everyone know how I was feeling.
I decided to make my way to the Circle Tap down the block alone, But threw out the invite anyway. The point was that womanly way of Hey I’m walking away. Are you coming to save this? I asked if he was coming or staying. He asked what I wanted him to do. I said “I want you to make a FUCKING effort.” He came upstairs. Which I was so relieved by. I know looking back I would have gone to bar and not come home that night otherwise. Because that’s what self-destructive people do. We act out and ruin things. After a moment of awkward silence the truth started to pour out and escalated to the point where I called him names. “I don’t know how to be romantic.” He said. Then I raised my voice in response. “Learn to take a HINT! That’s why I tried to get to you to watch a chick flick you fucking idiot! So you could learn something.”
Them were true fighting words in his eyes. I was frustrated and desperate, but immediately realized what I had said as soon as it had left my mouth and regretted them. He then got up to walk out on me and my world shattered. He said I needed to calm down and we’d talk about it tomorrow, but I pursued him desperately to make him see I didn’t mean those hateful words and I loved him and I didn’t want to be mad anymore I just wanted to make him realize my pain.
“Don’t leave me!” I begged with fear of being abandoned. I can’t take another person leaving me this way. Had he left, I most likely would have shut down completely, packed a bag, and left immediately. If they’re willing to walk away that easily, who’s to say it won’t be just as easy later. Leave before they leave you, would have been my normal reaction. But he didn’t, instead he realized and I broke down in his arms completely. Relieved that he chose to stay which meant so many things and his willingness to forgive my vindictive anger and understand the reasons behind it. Everything has been better since then. Even just the little looks he gives me. It’s like he is making an effort to mean the actions, not just do them. He is wonderful in so many ways and sacrifices so much towards this relationship I feel terrible having to nag for more because he his actions truly do speak numbers. But is it so wrong to want to feel wanted?