So, just had to call 911 and requested an escort home after being harrassed attempting to pick up milk and a movie from walgreens. I crossed the street to walk down the dark street home and and he called to me running across the street. I though maybe I had left something behind at Walgreens but instead he just wanted to try and get with me. I KINDLY declined multiple times and when he started to walk the same direction as me I immediately stopped and pulled out my phone, turned around and walked under the surveillance camera at CVS. Informed 911 I’d be walking back to walgreens. I cant seem to shake this threatened feeling.
Retirement party :) people bout to get crunk *giggle
I’m in a good mood, and yet I want to rant. I think I’m slightly bitter and disappointed in people. I try to make an effort, be as grateful as I can for the people in my life and what they are able to do for me. But instead you want to be pissed off when I’m trying to be loving towards you? Or give up when you think you’ve won. You have so far to go its unreal. Just let me give you the benefit of the doubt and say I accept you this way because I know you are capable of a whole lot more. Now step it up! Personally, I’m fed up. I’m exhausted. And if you’re not gonna try then why the fuck should I? Do I seriously need to pull the tough love card for you to understand? I don’t want to be that person. That girl that bitches about everything that’s wrong and lets you feel the burden. I try to shelter you from having to feel that weight on your shoulders because in retrospect, I wouldn’t want to either if the cards were turned. Unconditional love is what I have to give because that’s what I want in return, but when I mess up or need direction I want support and constructive criticism too. I say I’m happy, and to a point I am. But right now it’s just barely. On one side I’m the older sister and I’m the one getting my ass chewed out, or the sour looks because I’ve let you down. But then you want to come back at me with “They aren’t my friends; I’m not doing this again.” I would bend over backwards for you and HAVE! but you want to put me down and degrade me like I’m not trying. Or the other issue that you’ve “Given up chasing” because you feel you’ve already won. Bitches Please. I will always be good at making the best of what I have, and I won’t deny that what I have is wonderful, but I also see that it can be better, and you’re not trying. Happiness is a state of mind, a choice, and I choose to be as grateful and content with what I have. But what you offered before you’ve also taken away. The pursuit is always needed, otherwise I will get bored, It will lose meaning, and I will find it pointless. Don’t let me get to that level because I have more than begged and given fair warning. Before your were anything but dull. I thought I made you happy? What the fuck changed?
Forgive me. I’m venting. If I don’t get it off my chest I feel I will act out something destructive. Before I was the girl who said “Fuck it“. Went out with my girls, got shit faced and had a one night stand without giving two shits. But I do care, and I refuse to react that way without making as clear of a point as I can. But where you say your ex would be lazy and yell at you, was not laziness. That was effort and being rejected. I will not take rejection well, and I likely won’t give you warning before I act out, so I suggest you beat me to the punch.
My real point is you have this low expectation of what will happen. And in the back of my mind I can’t help but think, “Now look who’s being self destructive.” You’re pushing me away as though testing the waters to see how far you can propel me before I walk away. But Honey, I’m not leaving. Through thick and thin I will stand by you…
Doesn’t mean I might not give you grief in the process *evil giggle* But I ain’t leavin.
Bitter and Angry
A wonderful evening, and then she has to butt herself in and post all over this lovely picture. I feel like she does it on purpose to mark territory or something since Azteca was “their” Thing. Well now, the Tequila is ours. I’ve thrown this concept off of other people too. If she was over it she would have no problem befriending me. But she does. Its awkward to her. She’s not over it and because of this I’m not okay with her around. Knight met up with Dora who sounded genuinely interested to meet me and even bought the sushi meant for me, not at all the reaction I’ve received from Alex. She makes an effort to avoid me and never got back to responding me on Facebook. Which once again says two things, either she’s got issues and can fuck off, or refuses to acknowledge me and can really Fuck off. If its the latter, she needs to leave our lives completely. She already haunts his and mine enough as it is.
|Daily AstroSlam for Thursday, August 29|
|Repercussions of last night’s nightclub outing will bleed into all parts of your life when the evidence starts cropping up on Facebook. Next time, drink in the safety of your own home. Your hangover will only make things that much worse.|
Well Holy SHIT. Hit it RIGHT on the nail, there. Came home this morning around 8, suffering from the worst hangover I can recall having in the past 5 years at least. Hot flashes and dizzy spells. I straight up could have fainted. Well, guess I had too much fun. Ha, no, not really. Went with Jake to Kelly‘s. Owned on fries, enjoyed me some beers. Alicia met up with us at some point. But I realized the date, and was like, fuck. I have like 3 days left to fill my quota for the month. I go through my phone, looking for a booty call. Problem is, its been so long since I used one, that who’s to know who’s still available or not. So funny story, I knew of two that I had in my phone that were semi current, and I ended up running into both of them. Sadly, one is now dating an old friend of mine. Very cool, good for them. The other I ran into at Hot Toddies. Who also happens to be friends with my boss… How this didn’t seem awkward I have no idea why. Probably all those shots I had. And I was pretty blatant about my goal. So Nate‘s his name. Last time I ran into him was the night at the White Horse, was heading home and they randomly invited me in the cab to come party and do blow. That was shortly after I was walking again from the crutches. Somehow I mentioned it was on my bucket list to sniff blow off a guys wang. Hey, didn’t say my bucket list was filled with all positive shit. Sometimes there are just crazy fucked up shit you gotta try. Well, we got shit faced that first night and he and I hooked up like 3 times in one evening. Not the best looking guy, or even decent conversation, but he had longer hair, and you know I’m a sucker for the hair. Well last night I walked in the door, sat at the bar and the next thing I know he’s like “Woa, its you”. Long story short after that first night, I took his number but just didn’t ever keep in contact. I felt it should remain just a random fling with a stranger. Those tend to be my favorite, but now he’s friends with my boss, so that kinda changes things. “yea, its me”. “You never answered your phone when I tried to call.” he said. *Awkwardness* “yea, I’m bad about that… … Lets do SHOTS!” And a quick change of subject and the party was back on. He was flirting with me pretty heavy. I will definitely say I love being pursued and wooed. Its simply the best part. Some men need to try harder. It’s a fucking art form. Learn it.
1000 Ways to Be Romantic <— Read It. Do it. Now. :D
The 5 Love Languages <— and this one too.
Just had the most uplifting discussion ever. Jake called me saying I was on his mind today. We talked on the phone for an HOUR AND ½. I hate phones, I never talk that long, but wow. He said he read how I made moving to Davenport Facebook official. He thought it was pretty rad. The sum of our conversation was very philosophical in nature and basically referenced a lot back to my Law of Attraction I’ve been so into lately. I’m following my gut, I’m going with the flow, I’ve stopped worrying and allowed things to fall into place and they have. He thinks Davenport will be the best thing for me. Get me out of this rut called Burlington, Iowa. All its half wits and gutters. The negativity is contagious and truly drags a person down and quick. But I found a light out of the darkness. I’m taking my sister by the hand and we will accomplish whatever we set our minds too. “FEAR NOTHING”, Jake said. With Love and Discipline I can accomplish anything. I came from the gutter, there is no where else to go but up. Don’t take no for an answer and don’t let anyone stand in my way. By respecting myself I respect the one that created me. By remaining faithful to myself I have become happier. By pursuing my goals and not the goals of others I have found more passion and inspiration that I have long lacked. By looking at things with gratitude I have come to earn appreciation back from others. I plan to continue this path to find my inner zen, and find the place that truly makes me happy. I will find my purpose.