Home Alone. I Feel The Panic Coming On.


As much as I might panic in a crowded area, it’s utterly worse when I’m left home alone. The loneliness creeps in sucking the air out of the house like a dementor from Harry Potter sucking the soul out of its prey. The family is taking off for the weekend to go to a wedding. Once again I’m left home alone to watch the dogs. Just goes to prove how not included I am in this family, but then again I basically got the hint when they left me alone for the Holidays for weeks last year. And surprisingly I don’t break the rules when they are gone. Instead I pace and become restless. I woke up super early for fear I wouldn’t get to say goodbye to my dad. You never know what could happen and in a moment they could be gone. I always want the last thing I say to people is I love them. I don’t think I could live with the guilt if it was anything else and I lost someone.

As for everything, I’m still failing miserably. I’ve stayed home and haven’t finished squat. Although Neal did help me go pick up the box spring for my bed yesterday. Then we went and had dinner and a beer. I’m also having a hell of a time finding the skirt to my Velma costume for Halloween. Every skirt I find that I like is either too pricey for me to afford, or doesn’t come in my size. I did find the perfect wig luckily. I miss my wigs. I had an extensive collection too. There for a while I was wearing a different one every day of the week just because I could. I miss my get-ups and costumes. Doesn’t have to be Halloween to dress something crazy. The more I look at this bland look I currently have, the more I realize this isn’t me. I’m not meant to be this tamed. I found a look for my hair I want, but it also requires black so I’m scared to do it for fear of what it would do when it begins growing out. But I miss my blonde above all things, So I think I’m at least going to get that back.

On a side note I need to vent. Only because I’m becoming bitter. I’m here and he’s there with No real effort being made. I’m fed up with feeling like I’m starving. The sweetest text I’ve received lately was about us going together to Home Depot to dream together. That was sweet, but that’s also where it ended. Nothing else. T Then I was left to be inside my head again. Then again, its my fault. I decided it would be best to go to college and shit… And now I have no life. So he’s going out and having fun and I’m stuck in the house with my books, alone, lonesome, left watching my countdown that reads 36 Days, 7 Hours, 30 Minutes. I grow anxious as I am ready for change and to start organizing my life. Staying in the house really has me in a wad. If I could go out at least I could distract myself from being lonely. If I get another band-aid ripped off in my current state I’d probably breakdown. I really need to go see Dr Bair and soon…