Utterly Used Up


This new job is kicking my ass. I signed up for part-time work and instead have received full-time hours. Anywhere from 32 to 38 is what Knight said I was scheduled. Between that, band, and school work I’ve been so exhausted I barely had time to bathe. There was a span of at least 3 days that I didn’t. How disgusting. Not to mention I haven’t been able to make anytime for my sister or Knight let alone get to cook for them. *pouts* I’m not sure what to think of the place. The employees are… not very nice, incredibly catty, and gossip a majority of the time. I understand why they complain, I mean, that one guy is super lazy, but in my opinion I’d rather call him out to his face.

I feel as though this is having repercussions on Knight and Desi and I feel like an inconvenience. I don’t feel like I’m being able to come through enough for them and It gives me that let down feeling. I thought I could handle everything. Apparently I must be in over my head.

Kip also called me last night and today. I blew him off to go to bed last night and complete missed his call today while not bothering to return it. I’m finally happy. I can’t have him coming up into my life just to fuck with my head all over again. I’ve said goodbye to him too many times and each time it gets harder and more difficult like once your muscles start to give out after too much push ups. At least this time I have something to fight for. A real reason to say no more. I’ve moved on. Perhaps that’s his plan. He eggs me on once he discovers I’ve moved on just to see if I’m still his toy that he can use and sway to his bidding. But I am free, and I have found what I’ve searched for. Someone whom I want to stand beside and continue the journey beside me. He has little sway over my feelings anymore, and I can boldly state I no longer belong to him. Though it may sound weird to some to refer to oneself as property, but I think of it more of a Tarzan and Jane situation and how he protects her. Knight is my champion. He is all I need.


So Productive! Like a Damn Ninja Monkey!


Daily AstroSlam for Monday, August 12
Shallow isn’t normally a word you’d use to describe yourself, but today it becomes painfully evident that almost everyone else in your social sphere immediately refers to you when that word comes up. Perhaps it’s time to scratch the surface.

What a Productive nonstop week its been. Set up payment Plan with Medi Credit to begin paying on my hospital debt. Just means I am that much more broke, but I feel better knowing I want to be as debt free in my new life. I don’t want to live with all the burdens of my past continuously haunting. Also had two different rehearsals. First with Shane Weaver. Getting on the Daft Punk baby. Woot. Songs came together better than I had anticipated. Then had him drop me off at the church in W. Burlington to meet up with the blind piano player Richard Webb. I fucked up everything. Got a lot of work to do there. By the time I got home it was late, but I was raring to go. Lindy called me and I accepted her invitation to stay the night. Charlie cut my bangs and Lindy waxed my eyebrows. So I’m feeling ready for the weekend.

Daily AstroSlam for Tuesday, August 13
Revisit your glorious teen years — play hooky, watch horror movies while babysitting, eat all the ice cream, raid the medicine cabinets, practice your sneer, slam a door, lose your homework and piss off your parents. See! Wasn’t that fun?

Stayed the night with Lindy and oh boy did we giggle so much. She had me watch this foreign film Diary of a Nymphomaniac, which obviously besides all the numerous sex scenes, was incredibly moving. Showing the struggle of a girl just trying to find herself and love in the process, only to run into a ton of psycho’s. Hmm Sounds familiar doesn’t it? The main one being who she fell in love with and he ended up being controlling and psychotically possessive. Screams Kiplin in a nutshell. But she was strong enough to walk away in the movie, only to have to face the aftermath of emotional breakdowns. I could all too relate and started to freak out when the guy was screaming at her calling her his wife when she clearly wasn’t. Kip still calls me from time to time saying he wants his fucking wife back. Lindy and Andy were just the same. Kip and Andy were two peas in a pod. No wonder they got along. Fucking weirdos. But after my freak out of how considerable I related to this character I stood in awe. My life is no longer like that. I have a kind and caring supportive man, who genuinely seems to care and doesn’t keep me from my life’s passions, but instead encourages them. There is no longer the fighting (Four months and barely a heavy debate, Fucking wow) or the screaming till your voice gives out. No more curled in a ball on the floor feeling helpless. I stood in utter amazement at how happy I am. Instead of dwelling in the hardships of my past, I can finally look back at it and be grateful, for had I not suffered through all the torment and bitterness, the result of what I have found would not nearly be as sweet. I have found that place of contentment where I feel safe and uplifted. How long I have searched for it. I’m going full steam ahead and pray I don’t lose it this time.

After much encouragement, I was able to get Lindy to take me to meet Kayla for lunch on time at the Drake. Though I couldn’t seem to eat very well. Came home to find out my CD burner is broke so that puts a damper on certain things. But I managed to be able to burn the CD for Rich on dads computer downstairs. Shortly after 4pm Seth, my brother, arrived and I went to help him clean his room. HOLY SHIT. You couldn’t walk through it. Just a layer of trash and pop cans across the entirety of the rooms floor. But I attacked it with full force. Like a “Ninja monkey” he said. I was flyin’. What he had anticipated as a 3 hour job I nailed in an hour and a half. Came home to do my laundry for work tomorrow. Began to pack for my epic week in Davenport, with the one person I cherish most in my life. And the following week should prove to be just as productive. Thursday I have the audition with Whiplash Abby in Muscatine. Hopefully I’ll be able to take my PC in for repairs on Thursday or Friday so it will be finished before I have to return home Tuesday. Jake is coming down for the weekend as well. He said he needs a break from all the muck, and has been looking forward to this trip since I told him it was Knights birthday weekend.

On the weird note, I get to meet Knights Ex-girlfriend  Alex Friday. Not sure why she’s coming down to Davenport to celebrate her birthday, but eh… I do well in awkward situations and I’m actually very excited and curious to meet her, I just think I’m mostly worried about how I’ll feel when they are cracking inside jokes back and forth laughing, and I’m going to feel like an outsider. She’s friends with all his friends, and I’m still the newbie who they don’t really know. So I’m begging Jake to be there to hold my hand through it all for when my insecurities get too high.

On another weird note my sister basically broke things off with her boyfriend Mitch (blue eyes). Didn’t really see that coming. I thought she was so into him. But her reasons were completely sound and very logical. In its own way, I think its her preparing for the move, and to continue forward with her life as well without anyone holding her back from what she wants. On top of that interesting news, she told mom about moving with me to Knight and somehow (even though mother voiced concerned about my habits and reliability) she seemed open to the idea of Deseree coming along with me. O.o …. … No idea how that happened.

Well, That was a lot of ranting.