Move Past The Baggage

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Monday night was… eventful. Met up with Crispin and we went to go see the Dish TV boys. Met them at a “Cabaret” called Secrets. The place was dead and served no liquor, but the closed the place down, making us ViP, served us drinks and we were able to spend the night with the place to ourselves, titties and all. It twas a Grand time. Tuesday was… topsy turvy. Went to my first appointment with my new therapist… hes… a handful. Blunt like I enjoy, but almost to the point of mean. Left my phone in Knights car and had to walk home. But spent the evening with Deseree which was wonderful. Picked up checks, verified work shit, bought her xmas and something for mom and gma. Ordered us chinese and inhaled. Stayed up late working on some of my class makeup work, hoping to hell I can pass this damn class. *Crosses Fingers*.

This morning though I’ve been pondering again. About Knight mostly. I continue to try to bite the bullet but can’t get past his need to see other woman.  I try to brush it off my shoulder and move on. Let my feelings go back to what they were, but It hasn’t happened yet. I get close and kiss him, but I can tell my kisses are lacking. I’m still angry. I haven’t forgiven him yet. The funny thing is I want to, but I haven’t noticed any change. No dramatic gesture of love. I just feel like I’m here, existing, not really sure of my purpose to him. I know I’m part of his day to day life, but sometimes I wish he would show me off more, make me feel more important to him. He downs on how Markus posts continuously about Shaina, but what Knight doesn’t seem to get is that is what he should be doing. Maybe not to that extent. I’ll admit Marcus has taken it kinda far, but on the other side of the token he’s proclaiming his love to the world and he’s proud to.

Markus & Shaina

Where I should be grateful Knights not bitching about how much a drag I am on his lifestyle and that he at least claims me when making invites to other women. I don’t feel like he’s proud to have me. And Woman Crush Wednesday can suck a dick. If I couldn’t feel anymore insecure, rubbing all these gorgeous woman in my face that I can’t possibly compare to is torture. I truly try to brush this shit off, but I’m sorry. That shit Pisses me the fuck off. I am not remotely anywhere close to being secure at all in this relationship. I fear it’s gotten way worse since I moved here. Mostly because I don’t feel wanted. Which is so sad because everything else is perfect. He’s handsome, supportive, helpful in SO many ways, works really hard, spoils me a lot, doesn’t make me feel guilty for not being good at being an adult, and doesn’t down my appearance (doesn’t really complement it all too often either, but he has made some attempts more lately which Haven’t gone unnoticed, like saying that skirt was good for my figure or liking a new perfume I was wearing. *Yeah, I noticed*  He’s hands down one of the better men I’ve dated and my family even likes him. So why this challenge? Why does it have to be the awkward lingering thing in the room. It’s hitting me right where I’m the most insecure. I could have handled so many other things easy, but this is becoming hard to swallow.

I want a weekend away, so he can miss me. I feel as though I’ve become so routine. I’m starting to wonder if his ex was the problem or not. He said she couldn’t keep still. I’m questioning if maybe she just needed something more.

On a positive note, he brought up marriage again. And I adore the fact that its him, not me doing so. So I got curious and I asked about it. “Would you actually really consider marrying me?” Of course he made a joke about it, but yeah. He said he was happy with me. The fact someone would actually consider spending the rest of their life with me is very flattering. It wasn’t an answer of yes, I’ll have this big bash with all our friends, it was a yes, I love you unconditionally. And I know he means it. I just hope he and I can move past this baggage we both carry and maybe someday that could be a reality. Until then, it’s a comfort to look forward to what could be my happy future.

 

Invasion Of Privacy

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Happy Thanksgiving I suppose. In a matter of an hour or so I’ll be suffering through what should have been a delightful family holiday, but instead I will be working with one of the worst colds I’ve had to suffer through in ages. I did manage to have some fantastic sex today but Yesterday consisted of me calling into work for the first time in years. Luckily my bass player Ron took me to the community health center where I am now highly medicated and toilet paper has become my dearest friend. Also managed to get approved for mental health funding so *fingers crossed* I will soon be attending much needed therapy again.

Considering we would not be celebrating the holiday today, Knight and some of the wrestler boys decided to go out on the town. I drank Pepsi and attempted a karaoke song in utter failure only to feel like a downer and had Knight take me back home, allowing him to have a guys night. But upon his drunken return, he resorted to ranting (which I actually don’t mind) but he said a few things that lingered on my brain. Not only was his phone blowing up non stop, but he proceeded to elaborate on the difficulty of Nik’s marriage and how he could be getting pussy but instead goes home to his loving wife and son as though instead it was the large burden to bare. Every time he brings up this topic, which surprisingly has been numerous times, I get this sick to my stomach feeling. I feel as though he’s trying to push a point in my face about how that isn’t what he wants and its disappointing. For once I’m finally in the mentality of okay, yeah, lets move forward, and then this. He passed out intoxicated, which I could only tell by how heavily he was sleeping in a very awkward position. I couldn’t get the constant blowing up of his phone out of my head. He came home early and seemed very distinct on bringing things to my attention, but nonchalantly trying to avoid the topic of his phone. I became curious, and did something I’m not used to doing. I invaded his privacy.

And hear me out! I don’t feel good about this at all! I know I wouldn’t want someone doing that to me, so thus I feel very hypocritical, but the sadder part is I knew what I was going to find…
And there they were a set of feminine jugs staring me in the face, with responses like Hmmm, tasty referring to dinner selections. I turned away immediately, hating for having proved my insecurities correct. I sat staring into a dark corner, listening to his snores, feeling an array of emotions.

Anger, that it’s so easy for him to go through with it. Disappointed, at the lack of devotion I thought I would attain by agreeing to this arrangement. I thought it would bring us closer. I thought it would make him try more, but I realized, I still have to beg. Bitter, because he promised that if I agreed to this he would do everything in his power to make me feel secure, But I don’t, instead I feel threatened. Despair, because what If I do lose him. Either way, a girl could steal him from me, or if I’m not able to handle this situation will I have to walk away myself from something that otherwise is everything I ever wanted and makes me so entirely happy. Dissatisfied, I want to be someone’s whole world. That doesn’t really happen when they are considering their options on the next available weekend out of town. Powerless. I gave him everything about myself. I didn’t just jump into this. I cliff dived not knowing if there were rocks hidden underneath the waves.

Alone. It feels so one sided. My am I not enough? I don’t care about there being scientific evidence for monogamy not being natural. We’re also not biologically inclined to drive cars, use the internet, or take antibiotics when we’re sick, but that doesn’t stop us from doing those things. This is because unlike our non-human companions on the planet, we have developed a complex way of life as a result of social and technological developments. When human beings hung around in groups of roughly 150 or so people, spent two hours a day hunting and gathering and the rest of the time, well, what we modern folks would call “slacking off,” the concepts of marriage, paternity, monogamy, private property… well they hadn’t really developed yet. So, much like our chimpanzee cousins, we existed in what might resemble to some a hedonist love-fest where just about everybody made love to everybody and responsibilities for survival were shared equally. You could also die from a toothache because without modern dentistry, the infection would rot through the skull and reach your brain. The point is, very deep, primal aspects of our sexual biology have not caught up to the modern life we lead. This doesn’t mean we should chuck the idea of a committed relationship or monogamy, but rather gives us a basis for understanding the power and cause of certain drives and urges. This means it’s OK for both of you to acknowledge you find other people besides your mate attractive, even letting fantasies play out in your head is OK; provided of course that they remain fantasies. This means more than just grumbling “But I know I’m not allowed to do that” to yourself. It means realizing that despite a physical attraction for an individual, we’re able to recognize that the relationship we’ve built with our partner is something unique and irreplaceable, and that while the urges to spread our genetic material around as much as possible may be calling to us from the deepest parts of DNA, our highly evolved hearts and minds are refined and sharp enough to realize that the urge is just that, an urge. Not a command. And by coming home its a choice. It says. “I chose you.” which is such a power show of devotion.

And at Last I feel Pathetic for having put myself in this situation with no way of escape. I thought I could do this. I honestly did. I thought it was what I wanted, but i didn’t realize how my feelings would evolve in other ways. I can’t stop the jealousy. I can’t stop the pain and heartbreak. Where It never used to offend me, now drives me mad and delirious. It’s like I’m an entirely different person. And I sure as hell don’t want to share. Why should others get some of his attention when I feel I can’t get enough of it myself.

I thought I would have tired by now or at least my feelings would have calmed down, but instead its opposite. Its fanatic and obsessive. Overprotective and selfish. And either way I sit and ponder the situation makes me want to weep. Either I can stay, grin and bare it and live constantly with that longing and resentment. Or I could leave and break into a million shattered pieces for having to lose something that makes me so blissful. I don’t think I can handle this open relationship thing anymore, but I don’t want to lose him either. I feel damned if I do, damned if I don’t. If monogamy is a trained behavior, than I fear that I am too far gone.

 

Full of Dull Moments

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I’m in a good mood, and yet I want to rant. I think I’m slightly bitter and disappointed in people. I try to make an effort, be as grateful as I can for the people in my life and what they are able to do for me. But instead you want to be pissed off when I’m trying to be loving towards you? Or give up when you think you’ve won. You have so far to go its unreal. Just let me give you the benefit of the doubt and say I accept you this way because I know you are capable of a whole lot more. Now step it up! Personally, I’m fed up. I’m exhausted. And if you’re not gonna try then why the fuck should I? Do I seriously need to pull the tough love card for you to understand? I don’t want to be that person. That girl that bitches about everything that’s wrong and lets you feel the burden. I try to shelter you from having to feel that weight on your shoulders because in retrospect, I wouldn’t want to either if the cards were turned. Unconditional love is what I have to give because that’s what I want in return, but when I mess up or need direction I want support and constructive criticism too. I say I’m happy, and to a point I am. But right now it’s just barely. On one side I’m the older sister and I’m the one getting my ass chewed out, or the sour looks because I’ve let you down. But then you want to come back at me with “They aren’t my friends; I’m not doing this again.” I would bend over backwards for you and HAVE! but you want to put me down and degrade me like I’m not trying. Or the other issue that you’ve “Given up chasing” because you feel you’ve already won. Bitches Please. I will always be good at making the best of what I have, and I won’t deny that what I have is wonderful, but I also see that it can be better, and you’re not trying. Happiness is a state of mind, a choice, and I choose to be as grateful and content with what I have. But what you offered before you’ve also taken away. The pursuit is always needed, otherwise I will get bored, It will lose meaning, and I will find it pointless. Don’t let me get to that level because I have more than begged and given fair warning. Before your were anything but dull. I thought I made you happy? What the fuck changed?

Forgive me. I’m venting. If I don’t get it off my chest I feel I will act out something destructive. Before I was the girl who said “Fuck it“. Went out with my girls, got shit faced and had a one night stand without giving two shits. But I do care, and I refuse to react that way without making as clear of a point as I can. But where you say your ex would be lazy and yell at you, was not laziness. That was effort and being rejected. I will not take rejection well, and I likely won’t give you warning before I act out, so I suggest you beat me to the punch.

My real point is you have this low expectation of what will happen. And in the back of my mind I can’t help but think, “Now look who’s being self destructive.” You’re pushing me away as though testing the waters to see how far you can propel me before I walk away. But Honey, I’m not leaving. Through thick and thin I will stand by you…

Doesn’t mean I might not give you grief in the process *evil giggle* But I ain’t leavin.

Sincerely,
Bitter and Angry

The best way to wake in the morning

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He is the best way to wake up in the morning

and his goodbye kisses leave me

longing for his return all day

Right now I couldn’t be happier. I needed this more than I thought. It’s like a clean breeze just washed through my life and took my stresses with it. My obvious emotional state of the month has left me exhausted and overly self-aware , but he has been tender and patient making last night (even with my awkward behavior) another night to top the charts. I swear all my times with him are becoming the epitome of my happiest memories and whats stranger is we don’t even really have to do much. His sweet nothings spark the fire in my heart that leaves me enthralled. I have to agree I’ve never had a relationship begin so well; The positive and calm zen aura of it all.

This year I’m grateful for finally falling in love:

You are every reason, every hope, and every dream I’ve ever had. And no matter what happens in the future. Everyday we are together is the greatest day of my life. You’ve taken a part of me that will always be yours.

 Perfect love is rare indeed – for to be a lover will require that you continually have the subtlety of the very wise, the flexibility of the child, the sensitivity of the artist, the understanding of the philosopher, the acceptance of the saint, the tolerance of the scholar and the fortitude of the certain 

 Leo Buscaglia

On a comical note, I’ve never been this sexually awkward ever. :P Normally I can walk into a bedroom, take full control and be fine. But somehow in the bedroom with my lion, I get shy. I try to take control of my leo and find myself bumping noses or stepping on skirts. And were i know all couples have their own sort of kiss, its like we haven’t figured ours out yet. *giggles* not that it is a bad thing, I find it quite endearing actually. Like even after all this time together it’s still so new and exploratory; figuring each other out. But I find myself needing to know what to do. I have a difficult time reading his responses. Yet, its still the most passionate intimacy bars none. For the first time it’s both my body *And Mind* involved; its made all the difference with both my arousal level and climax’s.

Then last night I slept like a dream. Not one nightmare, just the occasional roll over and hold him. and i woke up early feeling rested and happy. I’m sure the kisses helped. :)

 

Wednesday August 4, 2004

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Wednesday August 4, 2004
aries horoscope *****
Your Wednesday Horoscope, MinaKaye! A chance to let someone else lead the way makes today exciting. Today will be the day when you realize how foolish you and some secretive friends have looked these past few days.

Woke up to Kirk wanting to take me out to Perkins. Which was nice. How I love French Toast. It is definately my favorite breakfast food. I left and let Jacob sleep in. Clayton came over and we all started cleaning my living room. God I didn’t know I had so much SHIT in my house. Its really looking good though. I went outside for a smoke and then it started to dizzle. Kirk took Jacob to his bothers so he could get cleaned up then came back for me and Clayton. Went to Larp. I couldn’t help but want to sleep. Party’s can really ware a person out. Then Kirk took me to the SCA meeting, where I chilled with Nik. He smells so good. LOL. I was invited to go to the Boy scout thing with them Saturday. It really sounds like fun. And another guy read my palm. I end up having Kids. OMG. So either god lets me actually have them, or I adopt. So that is a really big thrill to me. Nik’s dad took me home and allowed Nik to chill for a little bit at my place. I got to hook up my wireless cable to my computer and then I was in a really wierd horny mood to where I was being a sadist again. Damn the horomones. I am very sure it weirded Nik out, cause I was so beating him up. I wonder if I left bruises, But I knew Jacob was getting annoyed so me and Nik went to chill in my basement for a we bit, until it was time for him to go… That was about it for the night.

You And Your Partner Are Best Known For:
– Naming your children/pets the most ridiculous names EVER
– Your wild sex romps anywhere and everywhere
– Often having affairs with other various celebrities
– Met in the mens toilets

Your Love Situation by Amberishjewel
Username?
Your Love Is… Rough
During Lovemaking You Act… Like a vampire, very seductive
Your Partner Is… Your everything
Your Partner Has Said That You… Are a great lover
Your Love is Summed Up In A Quote. “You deserve a bed of roses”
Quiz created with MemeGen!
Your Love Situation by Amberishjewel
Username?
Your Love Is… Hard
During Lovemaking You Act… Like a child, always playing
Your Partner Is… Your soulmate
Your Partner Has Said That You… Are their favorite person
Your Love is Summed Up In A Quote. “Play is not for kids alone”
Quiz created with MemeGen!
What Makes You Sexy? by eva71
Name/NickName
Gender
Sexy Body Part Is Everything
Special Talents Are Blow Jobs
Quiz created with MemeGen!
Your Husband Generator by Lady_Galadriel
Name
Your Husband Is
You Met mile high club
You Have 5 children
You Live sweden
In a tent
You And Your Partner Are Best Known For your constant rude outbursts
Quiz created with MemeGen!
At your ten year high school reunion… by robbiewriter
Your school name
Your name
Your job will be Cult Leader
You will be worth $169,259
Everyone will think you cry yourself to sleep at night
Quiz created with MemeGen!
Who will give you an orgasm? by leslie13
Name
Age
Virgin?
So, who will make you moan? Your Fuck Buddy
How? Just by standing there.
Will it be good? You’d rather be with your dog.
Quiz created with MemeGen!
What do people really think about you? by Raven319
Name
Age
favorite song
Parents think You’re an angel
Strangers think You’re hot
Friends think You need a fuck buddy
Quiz created with MemeGen!
Your True Nature by llScorpiusll
Username
The quality that most appeals to you: High Social Status / Wealth
In a survival situation, you: Act crazy as a diversion
Your hidden talent is: Endurance
Your gift is: Physical beauty
In groups, you: Get the party started
Your best quality is: Your sensuality
Your weakness is: Your timidity
Quiz created with MemeGen!
Your True Nature by llScorpiusll
Username
The quality that most appeals to you: Sex Appeal
In a survival situation, you: Scream for help
Your hidden talent is: Discrimination
Your gift is: Fearlessness
In groups, you: Perfer to act as security
Your best quality is: Your protectiveness
Your weakness is: Being predictable
Quiz created with MemeGen!
Your Suicide.. by Konstantine
Your Name/Username
Favorite Number?
Favorite Color?
Gender? FemaleMaleUndecidedBoth
How will you commit suicide? You will jump off of the nearest, highest building
How many tries will it take? 39
When will you commit suicide? May 6, 2023
What will your suicide note say? Unrequited love can kill
Quiz created with MemeGen!
Posted 8/4/2004 at 2:21 PM