Move Past The Baggage

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Monday night was… eventful. Met up with Crispin and we went to go see the Dish TV boys. Met them at a “Cabaret” called Secrets. The place was dead and served no liquor, but the closed the place down, making us ViP, served us drinks and we were able to spend the night with the place to ourselves, titties and all. It twas a Grand time. Tuesday was… topsy turvy. Went to my first appointment with my new therapist… hes… a handful. Blunt like I enjoy, but almost to the point of mean. Left my phone in Knights car and had to walk home. But spent the evening with Deseree which was wonderful. Picked up checks, verified work shit, bought her xmas and something for mom and gma. Ordered us chinese and inhaled. Stayed up late working on some of my class makeup work, hoping to hell I can pass this damn class. *Crosses Fingers*.

This morning though I’ve been pondering again. About Knight mostly. I continue to try to bite the bullet but can’t get past his need to see other woman.  I try to brush it off my shoulder and move on. Let my feelings go back to what they were, but It hasn’t happened yet. I get close and kiss him, but I can tell my kisses are lacking. I’m still angry. I haven’t forgiven him yet. The funny thing is I want to, but I haven’t noticed any change. No dramatic gesture of love. I just feel like I’m here, existing, not really sure of my purpose to him. I know I’m part of his day to day life, but sometimes I wish he would show me off more, make me feel more important to him. He downs on how Markus posts continuously about Shaina, but what Knight doesn’t seem to get is that is what he should be doing. Maybe not to that extent. I’ll admit Marcus has taken it kinda far, but on the other side of the token he’s proclaiming his love to the world and he’s proud to.

Markus & Shaina

Where I should be grateful Knights not bitching about how much a drag I am on his lifestyle and that he at least claims me when making invites to other women. I don’t feel like he’s proud to have me. And Woman Crush Wednesday can suck a dick. If I couldn’t feel anymore insecure, rubbing all these gorgeous woman in my face that I can’t possibly compare to is torture. I truly try to brush this shit off, but I’m sorry. That shit Pisses me the fuck off. I am not remotely anywhere close to being secure at all in this relationship. I fear it’s gotten way worse since I moved here. Mostly because I don’t feel wanted. Which is so sad because everything else is perfect. He’s handsome, supportive, helpful in SO many ways, works really hard, spoils me a lot, doesn’t make me feel guilty for not being good at being an adult, and doesn’t down my appearance (doesn’t really complement it all too often either, but he has made some attempts more lately which Haven’t gone unnoticed, like saying that skirt was good for my figure or liking a new perfume I was wearing. *Yeah, I noticed*  He’s hands down one of the better men I’ve dated and my family even likes him. So why this challenge? Why does it have to be the awkward lingering thing in the room. It’s hitting me right where I’m the most insecure. I could have handled so many other things easy, but this is becoming hard to swallow.

I want a weekend away, so he can miss me. I feel as though I’ve become so routine. I’m starting to wonder if his ex was the problem or not. He said she couldn’t keep still. I’m questioning if maybe she just needed something more.

On a positive note, he brought up marriage again. And I adore the fact that its him, not me doing so. So I got curious and I asked about it. “Would you actually really consider marrying me?” Of course he made a joke about it, but yeah. He said he was happy with me. The fact someone would actually consider spending the rest of their life with me is very flattering. It wasn’t an answer of yes, I’ll have this big bash with all our friends, it was a yes, I love you unconditionally. And I know he means it. I just hope he and I can move past this baggage we both carry and maybe someday that could be a reality. Until then, it’s a comfort to look forward to what could be my happy future.

 

Full of Dull Moments

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I’m in a good mood, and yet I want to rant. I think I’m slightly bitter and disappointed in people. I try to make an effort, be as grateful as I can for the people in my life and what they are able to do for me. But instead you want to be pissed off when I’m trying to be loving towards you? Or give up when you think you’ve won. You have so far to go its unreal. Just let me give you the benefit of the doubt and say I accept you this way because I know you are capable of a whole lot more. Now step it up! Personally, I’m fed up. I’m exhausted. And if you’re not gonna try then why the fuck should I? Do I seriously need to pull the tough love card for you to understand? I don’t want to be that person. That girl that bitches about everything that’s wrong and lets you feel the burden. I try to shelter you from having to feel that weight on your shoulders because in retrospect, I wouldn’t want to either if the cards were turned. Unconditional love is what I have to give because that’s what I want in return, but when I mess up or need direction I want support and constructive criticism too. I say I’m happy, and to a point I am. But right now it’s just barely. On one side I’m the older sister and I’m the one getting my ass chewed out, or the sour looks because I’ve let you down. But then you want to come back at me with “They aren’t my friends; I’m not doing this again.” I would bend over backwards for you and HAVE! but you want to put me down and degrade me like I’m not trying. Or the other issue that you’ve “Given up chasing” because you feel you’ve already won. Bitches Please. I will always be good at making the best of what I have, and I won’t deny that what I have is wonderful, but I also see that it can be better, and you’re not trying. Happiness is a state of mind, a choice, and I choose to be as grateful and content with what I have. But what you offered before you’ve also taken away. The pursuit is always needed, otherwise I will get bored, It will lose meaning, and I will find it pointless. Don’t let me get to that level because I have more than begged and given fair warning. Before your were anything but dull. I thought I made you happy? What the fuck changed?

Forgive me. I’m venting. If I don’t get it off my chest I feel I will act out something destructive. Before I was the girl who said “Fuck it“. Went out with my girls, got shit faced and had a one night stand without giving two shits. But I do care, and I refuse to react that way without making as clear of a point as I can. But where you say your ex would be lazy and yell at you, was not laziness. That was effort and being rejected. I will not take rejection well, and I likely won’t give you warning before I act out, so I suggest you beat me to the punch.

My real point is you have this low expectation of what will happen. And in the back of my mind I can’t help but think, “Now look who’s being self destructive.” You’re pushing me away as though testing the waters to see how far you can propel me before I walk away. But Honey, I’m not leaving. Through thick and thin I will stand by you…

Doesn’t mean I might not give you grief in the process *evil giggle* But I ain’t leavin.

Sincerely,
Bitter and Angry

Seduce me Damn it!

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Daily AstroSlam for Thursday, August 29
Repercussions of last night’s nightclub outing will bleed into all parts of your life when the evidence starts cropping up on Facebook. Next time, drink in the safety of your own home. Your hangover will only make things that much worse.

Well Holy SHIT. Hit it RIGHT on the nail, there. Came home this morning around 8, suffering from the worst hangover I can recall having in the past 5 years at least. Hot flashes and dizzy spells. I straight up could have fainted. Well, guess I had too much fun. Ha, no, not really. Went with Jake to Kelly‘s. Owned on fries, enjoyed me some beers. Alicia met up with us at some point. But I realized the date, and was like, fuck. I have like 3 days left to fill my quota for the month. I go through my phone, looking for a booty call. Problem is, its been so long since I used one, that who’s to know who’s still available or not. So funny story, I knew of two that I had in my phone that were semi current, and I ended up running into both of them. Sadly, one is now dating an old friend of mine. Very cool, good for them. The other I ran into at Hot Toddies. Who also happens to be friends with my boss… How this didn’t seem awkward I have no idea why. Probably all those shots I had. And I was pretty blatant about my goal. So Nate‘s his name. Last time I ran into him was the night at the White Horse, was heading home and they randomly invited me in the cab to come party and do blow. That was shortly after I was walking again from the crutches. Somehow I mentioned it was on my bucket list to sniff blow off a guys wang. Hey, didn’t say my bucket list was filled with all positive shit. Sometimes there are just crazy fucked up shit you gotta try. Well, we got shit faced that first night and he and I hooked up like 3 times in one evening. Not the best looking guy, or even decent conversation, but he had longer hair, and you know I’m a sucker for the hair. Well last night I walked in the door, sat at the bar and the next thing I know he’s like “Woa, its you”. Long story short after that first night, I took his number but just didn’t ever keep in contact. I felt it should remain just a random fling with a stranger. Those tend to be my favorite, but now he’s friends with my boss, so that kinda changes things. “yea, its me”. “You never answered your phone when I tried to call.” he said. *Awkwardness* “yea, I’m bad about that… …  Lets do SHOTS!” And a quick change of subject and the party was back on. He was flirting with me pretty heavy. I will definitely say I love being pursued and wooed. Its simply the best part. Some men need to try harder. It’s a fucking art form. Learn it.

1000 Ways to Be Romantic  <— Read It. Do it. Now. :D

The 5 Love Languages  <— and this one too.

Wednesday August 18, 2004 Kill Bill and He walked all the Way to me

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Wednesday August 18, 2004
aries horoscope

Your Tuesday Horoscope, MinaKaye!
You are the subject of gossip and idle speculation. Set things straight another day. You know the truth and that is more important than the chitchat out there. Let them speculate in blind ignorance.

I did a lot of Back Updating, so those of you who read it alot and care to be filled in on the days that I didn’t update and didn’t fill out until now, they are there now…

This Morn we were awoken by Seth and Justin being turds and Trying to be as loud and abnosous as possible. First thing I did was run upstairs looking for my bandana to cover my slept on hair. We chilled all day. It was nice. We watched both Kill Bill 1 and 2. I like them very much. Nik showed up. He walked all the way over to see me. It was so nice to see him. I had missed him so. Weeks on end without him is honestly a living hell. Seth and Justin left so they could go eat. Rob took Nik home, I went too. Seth and Justin showed back up as soon as we were leaving so I told them to go inside with Amanda and wait, I wouldn’t be long. Said my sorrowful goodbyes to Nik. And came back. We surfed the internet for awhile. And did the FearDotCom.com bullshit, and of course me being as superstitous as I am, worried my ass off. Then 10 minutes to times up, Farrah shows up. (Guess How he got there, And No he didn’t walk) Good thing his mom didn’t wake up. It was about 3am. We didn’t die, although I still felt horrible like I had taken the risk of death so I deserved to die…. Violated the futon, with Amanda interupting constantly. 5am, and farrah had to go home. I was so scared for him, like he was gonna get caught. We chilled for a bit longer, Seth was already crashed. I went to sleep on the futon, and we let the boys crash in my bed.

Wednesday:
Woke up the next morning to Justin’s Cell phone going off. It was his mother so they both had to leave. Amanda was asleep on the blue couch and we slept the whole day away. Kirk came over with Zach at about 3:30, but I was too tired to go to larp, so I blew it off. Amanda and I chilled for a couple hours, considering we did wake up in the middle of the day, my dad came home and wanted me to work outside on the house. But he brought up the touchy topic of us MOVING, so I wasn’t thrilled. It was because Marti (our Landlord) continuously changing her story. Something in regards to Redoing the roof.

Posted 8/18/2004 at 12:51 AM

3 Comments

The End.

I love you Mina

Posted 8/27/2004 at 8:53 PM by MySweetestSorrow

When I don’t feel so depressed or antisocial.

Ashley

Posted 8/28/2004 at 12:55 AM by MySweetestSorrow

 

Tuesday August 17, 2004 Matthew Chapter 6

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Tuesday August 17, 2004
hi this is rob on ms. mina’s blog.  radass and a half.

she wants this posted:

says this is for nik’s mom.

it’s from the book of matthew, chapter 6.

5 ‘And whenever you pray, do not be like the hypocrites; for they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners, so that they may be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward. 6But whenever you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you.Other ancient authorities add openlyb 7‘When you are praying, do not heap up empty phrases as the Gentiles do; for they think that they will be heard because of their many words. 8Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.

————–

this means SHUT UP AND LEAVE POOR ROB ALONE!!!

Posted 8/17/2004 at 2:35 AM

7 Comments

I love Mina!

 

Posted 8/17/2004 at 12:14 PM by MySweetestSorrow
Hey, i asked Haley, her birthday is on May 15th, meaning our first interaction was on on the 8th, and our first kiss on the 15th. whee

I forgot to tell Rob thank you for the ride. Tell him that I am sorry.

Posted 8/17/2004 at 11:49 PM by whatthehellsgoingon
Hey mina! You said you needed to talk to me…call me soon. ok? What did u mean my life seemed so fun filled….  ?  Well…hit me back up :) bye bye
Posted 8/19/2004 at 11:1 PM by Ghetto_Booty143
Angry, angry people!
Posted 8/21/2004 at 4:18 AM by Eternal_Sodomy

heyyyyy thereeeeeee minakaye

we need to hang one of these days

the crippled kid”””

Posted 8/21/2004 at 6:49 PM by Broken_girl22

You should update more.

ashley

Posted 8/21/2004 at 8:59 PM by MySweetestSorrow

Nick’s sn is maeficarum

Ashley

Posted 8/25/2004 at 2:55 PM by MySweetestSorrow

 

Thursday August 12, 2004 Dad’s Band

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Thursday August 12, 2004
ATTENTION: 

LAST OPPERTUNITY TO WATCH MY DAD PLAY EVER!
Saturday August 14th. THE DRAKE  9pm-12pm.
50’s, 60’s,70’s Rock. (Shit you can dance to)
I BETTER SEE YOU FUCKERS THERE!

Posted 8/12/2004 at 1:19 AM
3 Comments

what does having hair in my ass have to do with hanging out?  weirdo.

i have monday and tuesday off, and all i really HAVE to do is get a haircut.

lemme know what’s up.

paz

Posted 8/14/2004 at 12:56 PM by Ithinkyoucanseeherkidneys
OMG…. My first comment in 3-4 days…. This shit is amazing.
Posted 8/14/2004 at 3:23 PM by MinaKaye

I love you Miss Mina Kaye!!

<333 ashley

Posted 8/14/2004 at 7:23 PM by MySweetestSorrow

Monday August 9, 2004 Jealous much?

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Monday August 9, 2004
aries horoscope 

Your Monday Horoscope, MinaKaye!
An exaggerated approach to a committed relationship will bring out the truth of a recent suspicious incident. An emotional confrontation can be avoided if you challenge your closest companion person

Not shit happened today. I slept in considering I had a long night. I just couldn’t sleep, which looks like its gonna be the the case again. I watched “I Love the 90’s marathon” all day. But then got bored and decided to masterbate. I need to get laid. Made half ass mash potatos. Watched rockstar and sang with the entire movie. Mandy Fisher came over to bother me (once again) so I burned her a cd and promised to go with her to her Grandma’s funeral tomarrow. Her Grandma was awesome. She did my hair for the Visa Versa dance. So it was really sad news to hear. Also I’ve decided to bitch at two people inparticuar.

Nik and Ashley. Not Ashley really, but for the simple fact that I should have the right to be angery that my boyfriend will answer her xanga notes, but I don’t hear a word even though I don’t have the time to leave him messages lately but I do. So I’m not thrilled. FUCK YOU NIK. Unless its the fact that he is purposely is ignoring me because he’s mad for some reason I know nothing about. God, I hate feeling shity… Anyway… I got that Napster Shit.  Its really cool, And downloads shit in like, 30 seconds every time… You can’t beat that. I also gave up on the squirrel. Shoved it back into the ceiling. But I told it I better not here another squeek. Cause last night was a living hell, It was night of the killer mom squirrels. I thought I was gonna be eaten alive.Well, I’m gonna go eat chocolate and slit my rists for cheap entertainment. (Sarcasum). Later.

Posted 8/9/2004 at 10:47 PM
1 Comments

hi it’s me.  how’s it goin?  cool.  http://www.hxcmp3.com/boymeetsworld

later

Posted 8/21/2004 at 3:48 AM by MinaKaye