Monday night was… eventful. Met up with Crispin and we went to go see the Dish TV boys. Met them at a “Cabaret” called Secrets. The place was dead and served no liquor, but the closed the place down, making us ViP, served us drinks and we were able to spend the night with the place to ourselves, titties and all. It twas a Grand time. Tuesday was… topsy turvy. Went to my first appointment with my new therapist… hes… a handful. Blunt like I enjoy, but almost to the point of mean. Left my phone in Knights car and had to walk home. But spent the evening with Deseree which was wonderful. Picked up checks, verified work shit, bought her xmas and something for mom and gma. Ordered us chinese and inhaled. Stayed up late working on some of my class makeup work, hoping to hell I can pass this damn class. *Crosses Fingers*.
This morning though I’ve been pondering again. About Knight mostly. I continue to try to bite the bullet but can’t get past his need to see other woman. I try to brush it off my shoulder and move on. Let my feelings go back to what they were, but It hasn’t happened yet. I get close and kiss him, but I can tell my kisses are lacking. I’m still angry. I haven’t forgiven him yet. The funny thing is I want to, but I haven’t noticed any change. No dramatic gesture of love. I just feel like I’m here, existing, not really sure of my purpose to him. I know I’m part of his day to day life, but sometimes I wish he would show me off more, make me feel more important to him. He downs on how Markus posts continuously about Shaina, but what Knight doesn’t seem to get is that is what he should be doing. Maybe not to that extent. I’ll admit Marcus has taken it kinda far, but on the other side of the token he’s proclaiming his love to the world and he’s proud to.
Where I should be grateful Knights not bitching about how much a drag I am on his lifestyle and that he at least claims me when making invites to other women. I don’t feel like he’s proud to have me. And Woman Crush Wednesday can suck a dick. If I couldn’t feel anymore insecure, rubbing all these gorgeous woman in my face that I can’t possibly compare to is torture. I truly try to brush this shit off, but I’m sorry. That shit Pisses me the fuck off. I am not remotely anywhere close to being secure at all in this relationship. I fear it’s gotten way worse since I moved here. Mostly because I don’t feel wanted. Which is so sad because everything else is perfect. He’s handsome, supportive, helpful in SO many ways, works really hard, spoils me a lot, doesn’t make me feel guilty for not being good at being an adult, and doesn’t down my appearance (doesn’t really complement it all too often either, but he has made some attempts more lately which Haven’t gone unnoticed, like saying that skirt was good for my figure or liking a new perfume I was wearing. *Yeah, I noticed* He’s hands down one of the better men I’ve dated and my family even likes him. So why this challenge? Why does it have to be the awkward lingering thing in the room. It’s hitting me right where I’m the most insecure. I could have handled so many other things easy, but this is becoming hard to swallow.
I want a weekend away, so he can miss me. I feel as though I’ve become so routine. I’m starting to wonder if his ex was the problem or not. He said she couldn’t keep still. I’m questioning if maybe she just needed something more.
On a positive note, he brought up marriage again. And I adore the fact that its him, not me doing so. So I got curious and I asked about it. “Would you actually really consider marrying me?” Of course he made a joke about it, but yeah. He said he was happy with me. The fact someone would actually consider spending the rest of their life with me is very flattering. It wasn’t an answer of yes, I’ll have this big bash with all our friends, it was a yes, I love you unconditionally. And I know he means it. I just hope he and I can move past this baggage we both carry and maybe someday that could be a reality. Until then, it’s a comfort to look forward to what could be my happy future.