Invasion Of Privacy

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Happy Thanksgiving I suppose. In a matter of an hour or so I’ll be suffering through what should have been a delightful family holiday, but instead I will be working with one of the worst colds I’ve had to suffer through in ages. I did manage to have some fantastic sex today but Yesterday consisted of me calling into work for the first time in years. Luckily my bass player Ron took me to the community health center where I am now highly medicated and toilet paper has become my dearest friend. Also managed to get approved for mental health funding so *fingers crossed* I will soon be attending much needed therapy again.

Considering we would not be celebrating the holiday today, Knight and some of the wrestler boys decided to go out on the town. I drank Pepsi and attempted a karaoke song in utter failure only to feel like a downer and had Knight take me back home, allowing him to have a guys night. But upon his drunken return, he resorted to ranting (which I actually don’t mind) but he said a few things that lingered on my brain. Not only was his phone blowing up non stop, but he proceeded to elaborate on the difficulty of Nik’s marriage and how he could be getting pussy but instead goes home to his loving wife and son as though instead it was the large burden to bare. Every time he brings up this topic, which surprisingly has been numerous times, I get this sick to my stomach feeling. I feel as though he’s trying to push a point in my face about how that isn’t what he wants and its disappointing. For once I’m finally in the mentality of okay, yeah, lets move forward, and then this. He passed out intoxicated, which I could only tell by how heavily he was sleeping in a very awkward position. I couldn’t get the constant blowing up of his phone out of my head. He came home early and seemed very distinct on bringing things to my attention, but nonchalantly trying to avoid the topic of his phone. I became curious, and did something I’m not used to doing. I invaded his privacy.

And hear me out! I don’t feel good about this at all! I know I wouldn’t want someone doing that to me, so thus I feel very hypocritical, but the sadder part is I knew what I was going to find…
And there they were a set of feminine jugs staring me in the face, with responses like Hmmm, tasty referring to dinner selections. I turned away immediately, hating for having proved my insecurities correct. I sat staring into a dark corner, listening to his snores, feeling an array of emotions.

Anger, that it’s so easy for him to go through with it. Disappointed, at the lack of devotion I thought I would attain by agreeing to this arrangement. I thought it would bring us closer. I thought it would make him try more, but I realized, I still have to beg. Bitter, because he promised that if I agreed to this he would do everything in his power to make me feel secure, But I don’t, instead I feel threatened. Despair, because what If I do lose him. Either way, a girl could steal him from me, or if I’m not able to handle this situation will I have to walk away myself from something that otherwise is everything I ever wanted and makes me so entirely happy. Dissatisfied, I want to be someone’s whole world. That doesn’t really happen when they are considering their options on the next available weekend out of town. Powerless. I gave him everything about myself. I didn’t just jump into this. I cliff dived not knowing if there were rocks hidden underneath the waves.

Alone. It feels so one sided. My am I not enough? I don’t care about there being scientific evidence for monogamy not being natural. We’re also not biologically inclined to drive cars, use the internet, or take antibiotics when we’re sick, but that doesn’t stop us from doing those things. This is because unlike our non-human companions on the planet, we have developed a complex way of life as a result of social and technological developments. When human beings hung around in groups of roughly 150 or so people, spent two hours a day hunting and gathering and the rest of the time, well, what we modern folks would call “slacking off,” the concepts of marriage, paternity, monogamy, private property… well they hadn’t really developed yet. So, much like our chimpanzee cousins, we existed in what might resemble to some a hedonist love-fest where just about everybody made love to everybody and responsibilities for survival were shared equally. You could also die from a toothache because without modern dentistry, the infection would rot through the skull and reach your brain. The point is, very deep, primal aspects of our sexual biology have not caught up to the modern life we lead. This doesn’t mean we should chuck the idea of a committed relationship or monogamy, but rather gives us a basis for understanding the power and cause of certain drives and urges. This means it’s OK for both of you to acknowledge you find other people besides your mate attractive, even letting fantasies play out in your head is OK; provided of course that they remain fantasies. This means more than just grumbling “But I know I’m not allowed to do that” to yourself. It means realizing that despite a physical attraction for an individual, we’re able to recognize that the relationship we’ve built with our partner is something unique and irreplaceable, and that while the urges to spread our genetic material around as much as possible may be calling to us from the deepest parts of DNA, our highly evolved hearts and minds are refined and sharp enough to realize that the urge is just that, an urge. Not a command. And by coming home its a choice. It says. “I chose you.” which is such a power show of devotion.

And at Last I feel Pathetic for having put myself in this situation with no way of escape. I thought I could do this. I honestly did. I thought it was what I wanted, but i didn’t realize how my feelings would evolve in other ways. I can’t stop the jealousy. I can’t stop the pain and heartbreak. Where It never used to offend me, now drives me mad and delirious. It’s like I’m an entirely different person. And I sure as hell don’t want to share. Why should others get some of his attention when I feel I can’t get enough of it myself.

I thought I would have tired by now or at least my feelings would have calmed down, but instead its opposite. Its fanatic and obsessive. Overprotective and selfish. And either way I sit and ponder the situation makes me want to weep. Either I can stay, grin and bare it and live constantly with that longing and resentment. Or I could leave and break into a million shattered pieces for having to lose something that makes me so blissful. I don’t think I can handle this open relationship thing anymore, but I don’t want to lose him either. I feel damned if I do, damned if I don’t. If monogamy is a trained behavior, than I fear that I am too far gone.

 

The First Argument

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Something I’ve taken pride in since I dated Andrew was the lack of constant confrontation. That was something that made me appreciate that I had something genuinely good in my life. I stayed away from Kiplin because he was toxic. Andrew helped make him part of my past. He knew how to push all my buttons to the point we were consistently at each other’s throats; I don’t miss it. I’ve managed to find the same non-aggressive behaviors in Knight, but almost to the opposite extreme.

I’ll be honest; I blew up. I hit my limit and acted out. Last Wednesday when Knight stated that he doesn’t pursue me because he has already won me stuck in my head for days. I became bitter. I dwelled on it all day at work. Thursday blaming my mood on a bad day on the job, then the next evening I failed to even care and openly admitted it outright when asked. I was distant and snappy. Callous in behavior and as he put it, I had a “Tone“. But I wasn’t ready to talk about it. Not for my sake though. No, instead I was spiteful and wanted him to suffer. He said “You’re not involved in the conversation.” and All I could think of was, “well now you know how it feels.” The point I wanted to prove and later expressed during I suppose what you could refer to as our first real argument was that he may have won me, but if he stops pursuing me than I can leave at anytime.

We have had this conversation time and time again; nicely and kindly, yet even through all my begging, nothing ever changed. With my sister being unsupportive and bitter towards me and with his lack of real affection, it felt as though he was just playing out the motions. Even his return I Love You’s seemed quick and said for humoring purposes. The longing for more from both ends had me exhausted and I felt myself regretting this decision to move here. I was pissed at Deseree thinking, if she’s going to be so ungrateful, perhaps it would have been better if I left her behind to fend for herself. And I know I would have been happy in Austin, but instead I wanted to do the right thing by her and gave that life up. I chose a different path so I could do right by her and I felt in that moment it had become a terrible mess. I feel like I’m reaching at strings. I’m too much an emotional Aries to find common ground with the emotions I’m facing.

Long story short, I was terribly mean to Knight. He’s never had me treat him that way and I can only hope to heaven that he learned something from it. Normally I smother him with affection and boil over with tenderness; but instead I barely looked at him, I responded in one liners and expressed my disinterest in any topic of conversation. I was unimpressed and clearly made the point that he would have to try a lot harder. I wanted to prove to him how differently I treat him from everyone else. That’s another thing that upsets me. He mentions mostly small talk anymore, when compared to when we met, there were slightly more intellectual conversations. I miss those. How many times have I walked away from dates due to lack of interesting conversation. I’ll admit, I’m not afraid to tell a guy “You Lack Depth”. But what happened to Knight? Why the shut off switch? How is food and wrestling the only two topics that are brought up anymore? I hate having to pry any emotions from him with a crowbar.

I tried all evening to be… Well, to hold my ground. Until finally I snapped. I worked all week. I wanted to go out and have a good time, but instead we were sitting around the house ranting about wrestling, which I’ll admit was interesting… … … the first 45 minutes. But my patience rapidly declined and I just walked out. I wasn’t shy about my emotions either. I let everyone know how I was feeling.

I decided to make my way to the Circle Tap down the block alone, But threw out the invite anyway. The point was that womanly way of Hey I’m walking away. Are you coming to save this? I asked if he was coming or staying. He asked what I wanted him to do. I said “I want you to make a FUCKING effort.” He came upstairs. Which I was so relieved by. I know looking back I would have gone to bar and not come home that night otherwise. Because that’s what self-destructive people do. We act out and ruin things. After a moment of awkward silence the truth started to pour out and escalated to the point where I called him names. “I don’t know how to be romantic.” He said. Then I raised my voice in response. “Learn to take a HINT! That’s why I tried to get to you to watch a chick flick you fucking idiot! So you could learn something.”

Them were true fighting words in his eyes. I was frustrated and desperate, but immediately realized what I had said as soon as it had left my mouth and regretted them. He then got up to walk out on me and my world shattered. He said I needed to calm down and we’d talk about it tomorrow, but I pursued him desperately to make him see I didn’t mean those hateful words and I loved him and I didn’t want to be mad anymore I just wanted to make him realize my pain.

Don’t leave me!” I begged with fear of being abandoned. I can’t take another person leaving me this way. Had he left, I most likely would have shut down completely, packed a bag, and left immediately. If they’re willing to walk away that easily, who’s to say it won’t be just as easy later. Leave before they leave you, would have been my normal reaction. But he didn’t, instead he realized and I broke down in his arms completely. Relieved that he chose to stay which meant so many things and his willingness to forgive my vindictive anger and understand the reasons behind it. Everything has been better since then. Even just the little looks he gives me. It’s like he is making an effort to mean the actions, not just do them. He is wonderful in so many ways and sacrifices so much towards this relationship I feel terrible having to nag for more because he his actions truly do speak numbers. But is it so wrong to want to feel wanted?

Our fatigue is often (Comments Encouraged)

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Our fatigue is often caused not by work, buy by worry, frustration and resentment. – Dale Carnegie

I am worried. I am frustrated. I am resentful. I can’t seem to accomplish anything these days and I’m letting people down already. This job at JCP is not what I want. Its stressful, highly demanding, and the women there are caddy. They are scheduling me way too often. So much so that I’m not keeping up with school or the house. I’ve even upset my sister for lack of effort at home. I devote time to Knight hoping to get a little action, and to my dismay, nothing. Should have spent that time doing something more productive I suppose, instead of attempting to woo. I’m confused, am I too subtle? Or simply just unwanted? Weird thoughts run through my mind. Even things like, well maybe he’s not touching me hoping I’ll run to someone else for satisfaction so he can too. Or maybe its depression, but I don’t understand what he’s depressed about. He’s surrounded by friends now. He still gets to wrestle. Was he depressed before I came around? Am I the cause of it? Thus the story of resentment. I resent him for not touching me and I fear his resentment that I am but another burden in his life.

MinaKaye: Can I make an inquiry?
Knight: Maybe.
MinaKaye: Think you’ll have time to be in “the mood” tonight or do I need to take things into my own hands. I haven’t touched myself in days and don’t think I can hold out any longer.
Knight: Lol, I’ll make time. I honestly keep meaning to but I just haven’t.
MinaKaye:  I even put the moves on you the other night and you just weren’t having it. *Bam* out like a light
just haven’t? Am I doing something wrong? Am I not obvious enough?
Knight: It’s not you, babe. I know you’re insecure but trust me, it’s never your fault.
You’re beautiful and loving and I love every but of you. *bit And butt. Lol
MinaKaye: I’m listening
Knight: But I don’t know how to get myself revved up sometimes, even when I want to.
It usually just happens. Maybe it’s anxiety, depression, I don’t know.
MinaKaye: So give me some hints. What gets you revved. What does and doesn’t work?
Knight: Just go for it and don’t accept no? I really couldn’t say. Legitimately only had one girlfriend who had to deal with this and she was kinda lazy about that.
MinaKaye: lazy?
Knight: If I wasn’t in the mood or taking initiative, she might try messing around a bit but if I was complaining, she usually gave up and just started bitching at me.
MinaKaye: Complaining about not doing it? While she’s trying to come onto you?
Knight: Yeah
MinaKaye:  Yea, That not lazy babe. Thats getting rejected.
Knight: Sure, it seems that way. But I can tell you that if you are persistent, I usually cave. I can tell you outside of the situation what I’d probably do.
I don’t know how else to describe it.
MinaKaye:  No, I’d probably react the same way, Thats rejection. And if you have to CAVE then there is no romance in it, so thus, no Point. If its that difficult to be wanted, I’d rather go for the vibrator instead. At least it wouldn’t make me feel unwanted.
Knight: What if the batteries die?
MinaKaye:  Any phallic object will do. It doesn’t have to vibrate, Just means more work for my fingers. I can get myself off. Thats not the issue. Sex with you is not about getting off. It’s about connection. It’s about your attention and affection. It’s the closest form of bonding. It’s not sex I’m looking for. Its INTIMACY. The one thing that differentiates you and I to a one night stand. There is a huge difference when a girl looks at you and says “Fuck me” compared to a woman who will caress you, look deep in your eyes and beg you to make love to her. AND thats where I’m getting frustrated. It really is, in the mind of a woman, you saying “I don’t want you. I don’t want to be that close to you.” And no words will ever shake that insecurity. Thats the point of wanting it spontaneous. By planning it out, it removes the moment of “WANT” and turns it into “Well I gotta do this now”. Passion is felt, not planned. To be pulled into a random kiss, grab about the waist, it shows that random moment of wanting. No matter what was done to cause it, whether it was a view of her thigh, or the way she looks when she makes dinner, or the contented feeling you get when your happy. The thought should run through your mind where you think, “Her. Yes Her.” and if I don’t spark that in you, then all I feel is failure. It is not that I’m truly this sexual creature. Its more of the passion you show to me during those times. They are the closest emotions I get from you that seem even remotely close to mine.
Knight: I understand. If I make you feel not wanted, it’s not intentional though. I’m just piss poor and doing that stuff right.
———-
So, How do you create passion with someone whom it doesn’t come to naturally. I have tried to understand it and talk with him countless times  and I’m scared it will create animosity if I continue to bring it up. He has said that he is just not like that. I have never dated anyone that doesn’t show passion. In my eyes, it feels like less of an intense type of love. It feels like something is missing or the level of attraction he has for me is lacking. He says that is not the case . I am having trouble understanding the concept of being in love without passion unless the relationship is unhealthy. And he shows passion for other things in life. Such as when he tells stories of his friends, wrestling shows, and even on occasion his ex, but I’ve never heard him get excited about a story about us to anyone else. Instead is casual and nonchalant. Am I that unexciting or so offensive that he takes no interest in showing me off to his friends?
For me passion is a strong love or desire. The need to be in my arms. Getting captivated by each others eyes. Getting lost in a moment with a kiss. The moment when nothing else matters, when your love cannot be contained. It may sound cheesy, but there’s not many things in life that can touch someone so deeply as the acceptance and desire one experiences during such embraces. Perhaps he may feel the same way, but what  really need is in his actions. It feels like going through the motions. There is no sense of need. It has been my experience that if sex and chemistry are good that enthusiasm is always there. While he says our sex life is good, which the sex is, the life doesn’t feel like it. I do see the love in his eyes. I just which I could feel some intensity.  I’m having a tough time living without it. I guess in some strange way it validates me. I know ideally I wouldn’t need validation, but it feels good to be desired. I don’t think either of us has ever had a true healthy relationship, so I know that this one is different. I know he loves me without a doubt, but it feels like an old love. Honestly, one of comfort and true friendship rather than passion. That being said, I wouldn’t trade what we have for just passion, but I would like a healthy balance.
So what is preventing him? What keeps him distanced? Is it depression? And if it is what can I do? Or is he just not willing?

Remind Me To Shower…

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Okay… You know its bad when you have to put on your to do list to remember to shower… I honestly can’t remember the last time I did. I think tomorrow will make it a week and that’s fucking disgusting.  When’s the last time I even wrote in this. Over a week a least. I’m exhausted but I really need to write things out. So much has been going on and I still can’t manage to juggle anything. I seriously need a personal assistant or something. You know something is wrong when I stop bathing, my room becomes a sty and I don’t do anything but sit in bed.

After speaking to Dr Bair Wednesday he reassured me that I’m on the right track with this move and my priorities seem to be in order. I think I need this move more and more as the days pass by. I grow weary and i’m overwhelmed. I need to downsize and have began doing so. I’m no longer going to perform at the Bart Howard room. I called Richard and told him that it will have to be postponed till later months. I can’t deal with that looming over my head while I already have so much on my plate. The move in itself is enough to think about along with working and attempting to locate a new job, but with school on top of things, I can’t cope. This this so much more difficult than full sail and I can’t help but question “What was I thinking?”. At the time I had nothing going on and was dying of boredom. Now my plate is so full I can’t keep the plates spinning and they are crashing down around me. One by one I have turned down all my obligations with various band offers and chances to go spend time with friends. It disappoints me that I’m not capable of fulfilling my commitments. I got in over my head somehow and I can’t manage on my own anymore. I was so grateful yesterday when Deseree, Neal, and Knight all came through for me and helped me move my stuff from Wendy’s over to Grandma’s. Had they not been there to help I know I would have broke down crying. But Neal didn’t seem inconvenienced in anyway. Desi I think was actually grateful not to be stuck in the house with mom, even though she kinda kicked her out for the night over a booty call, and Knight was calm and somehow managed to keep me remotely so as well. I discovered I enjoy laying on a couch with him. Being held in his arms is the best place in the world to me right now. And even though he didn’t say much and seemed bored if not more, his presence was the one thing in the world that made me feel like everything would be okay. I knew that he had a calming and encourage way about him when it comes to me, but I never realized to what extreme I’ve truly come to need him.

My only hope is that once the move happens things in life will calm down, and I’ll be able to focus on what is really important. School being the top priority. I need to follow Dr Bair’s advice and look into daily routines for people with ADHD and Bi-Polar/Borderline and really attempt to make them habits when I move. This is my chance to get my life on the right track. I need to take full advantage of it. Please let me be able to handle this. I just hope with the support of Knight and my sister, I’ll be able to find that place of Zen I’ve been desperately searching for all my life. I refuse to be a head case like my mother, yet I seem to be failing miserably. I’ve been a negative Nancy for days now and can’t seem to shake it. I just look forward to the moment when all our stuff is moved in and I have that moment of clarity where I don’t have to worry. I can just be.

I definitely blame all the stressors as my only real problem, but they seem to be creeping up as issues in other ways. My insecurities are way higher, my need to be held is to the max. So much so that I ended up running in desperation to someone who could provide it.

“How pathetic am I?”. Were my thoughts when I woke up Thursday morning. No longer forlorn with loneliness, but instead facing a growing guilt inside my head. I was at Tristan’s. I banged my head against the wall in the bathroom thinking “idiot, idiot, idiot… What have you done.”? He’s obviously not over me, this was not a casual thing for him. As he stared in my eyes I recognized it as the look I had so desperately been needing. That look of absolute wanting and desire. But, I also realized in that moment as he sweetly petted my head and kissed my cheek tenderly, that it wasn’t just anyone who could fulfill this need for me really… I want Knight to look at me that way. That look of almost desperate longing, yet tender, wistful, and hungry. I guess I just want him to need me as eagerly as I have for him. I felt terrible about Tristan. I had unintentionally led him on, either that or he’s attempting a head game desperately wants me to get caught back up in the romance of him. I told him at the bar I was still seeing Knight and was even moving up there with him, but he pursued me anyway. On a funny note, I couldn’t stand how boney he was. He wasn’t comfortable at all. I didn’t get that sense of safety. In fact it was quite opposite. He has the most gorgeous hair I’ve ever seen and I wasn’t even willing to run my fingers through it. I was detached, and disgusted with myself. How did I allow myself to get caught up in such a desperate position? The girl who was so independent of men is now starving and begging to be loved, even if its just pretend from a stranger apparently. What is wrong with me?

Well can’t put it any better than Cheap Trick did: I want to feel wanted.