Remind Me To Shower…

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Okay… You know its bad when you have to put on your to do list to remember to shower… I honestly can’t remember the last time I did. I think tomorrow will make it a week and that’s fucking disgusting.  When’s the last time I even wrote in this. Over a week a least. I’m exhausted but I really need to write things out. So much has been going on and I still can’t manage to juggle anything. I seriously need a personal assistant or something. You know something is wrong when I stop bathing, my room becomes a sty and I don’t do anything but sit in bed.

After speaking to Dr Bair Wednesday he reassured me that I’m on the right track with this move and my priorities seem to be in order. I think I need this move more and more as the days pass by. I grow weary and i’m overwhelmed. I need to downsize and have began doing so. I’m no longer going to perform at the Bart Howard room. I called Richard and told him that it will have to be postponed till later months. I can’t deal with that looming over my head while I already have so much on my plate. The move in itself is enough to think about along with working and attempting to locate a new job, but with school on top of things, I can’t cope. This this so much more difficult than full sail and I can’t help but question “What was I thinking?”. At the time I had nothing going on and was dying of boredom. Now my plate is so full I can’t keep the plates spinning and they are crashing down around me. One by one I have turned down all my obligations with various band offers and chances to go spend time with friends. It disappoints me that I’m not capable of fulfilling my commitments. I got in over my head somehow and I can’t manage on my own anymore. I was so grateful yesterday when Deseree, Neal, and Knight all came through for me and helped me move my stuff from Wendy’s over to Grandma’s. Had they not been there to help I know I would have broke down crying. But Neal didn’t seem inconvenienced in anyway. Desi I think was actually grateful not to be stuck in the house with mom, even though she kinda kicked her out for the night over a booty call, and Knight was calm and somehow managed to keep me remotely so as well. I discovered I enjoy laying on a couch with him. Being held in his arms is the best place in the world to me right now. And even though he didn’t say much and seemed bored if not more, his presence was the one thing in the world that made me feel like everything would be okay. I knew that he had a calming and encourage way about him when it comes to me, but I never realized to what extreme I’ve truly come to need him.

My only hope is that once the move happens things in life will calm down, and I’ll be able to focus on what is really important. School being the top priority. I need to follow Dr Bair’s advice and look into daily routines for people with ADHD and Bi-Polar/Borderline and really attempt to make them habits when I move. This is my chance to get my life on the right track. I need to take full advantage of it. Please let me be able to handle this. I just hope with the support of Knight and my sister, I’ll be able to find that place of Zen I’ve been desperately searching for all my life. I refuse to be a head case like my mother, yet I seem to be failing miserably. I’ve been a negative Nancy for days now and can’t seem to shake it. I just look forward to the moment when all our stuff is moved in and I have that moment of clarity where I don’t have to worry. I can just be.

I definitely blame all the stressors as my only real problem, but they seem to be creeping up as issues in other ways. My insecurities are way higher, my need to be held is to the max. So much so that I ended up running in desperation to someone who could provide it.

“How pathetic am I?”. Were my thoughts when I woke up Thursday morning. No longer forlorn with loneliness, but instead facing a growing guilt inside my head. I was at Tristan’s. I banged my head against the wall in the bathroom thinking “idiot, idiot, idiot… What have you done.”? He’s obviously not over me, this was not a casual thing for him. As he stared in my eyes I recognized it as the look I had so desperately been needing. That look of absolute wanting and desire. But, I also realized in that moment as he sweetly petted my head and kissed my cheek tenderly, that it wasn’t just anyone who could fulfill this need for me really… I want Knight to look at me that way. That look of almost desperate longing, yet tender, wistful, and hungry. I guess I just want him to need me as eagerly as I have for him. I felt terrible about Tristan. I had unintentionally led him on, either that or he’s attempting a head game desperately wants me to get caught back up in the romance of him. I told him at the bar I was still seeing Knight and was even moving up there with him, but he pursued me anyway. On a funny note, I couldn’t stand how boney he was. He wasn’t comfortable at all. I didn’t get that sense of safety. In fact it was quite opposite. He has the most gorgeous hair I’ve ever seen and I wasn’t even willing to run my fingers through it. I was detached, and disgusted with myself. How did I allow myself to get caught up in such a desperate position? The girl who was so independent of men is now starving and begging to be loved, even if its just pretend from a stranger apparently. What is wrong with me?

Well can’t put it any better than Cheap Trick did: I want to feel wanted.

Enlightened

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The Great Buddha statue, Kōtoku Temple, Kamaku...

The Great Buddha statue, Kōtoku Temple, Kamakura, Japan (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Buddhist philosophy says that jealousy is an emotion or feeling; a byproduct of fear. Those who can dispel fear can make sense of his actions and can be true to others and him.”

Another eventful couple of days. Went to the buffalo with Kayla and had some girlie gossip. I talked to her about open relationships in general and she agreed it might be something that might work for me. I didn’t mention specific’s but she did say “Hey, you can at least try it out. Doesn’t hurt to try new things.” She agrees that if it works it works, if not oh well, move on. So after much reflection, I believe I’m to the point I’m ready to do this. But who starts it off to test how this works out? Him or I?

Cover of "Tao in Ten (Ten Easy Lessons Se...

Cover of Tao in Ten (Ten Easy Lessons Series)

Then off to with Jake to Hot Toddies, which in general sucked because Marti’s system was lagging SO bad. But I did get an ovation for singing cabaret from memory which was awesome. Upon showing up I ran into BethAnn, Tristan‘s mom, Woman is INSANE, then walk inside and Tristan is there already somewhat shit faced. Jake bought me a bottomless cup and Spencer my new boss was there, so we kicked the shit. Adam Rhodsey showed up and if I can talk my dad into playing bass, I might be able to throw a band thing together. Micheal was being super protective when I left with Tristan to go to my nephew’s house after words, texting me to be “Careful” that he doesn’t take “Advantage” of me. And I’m thinking to myself, First I’m a big girl and can handle myself. The word No does have a definition. Second, just because you crush on me doesn’t make you my guard dog. He has no right to feel possessive of me. Plus is creepy. Thirdly, I’ve been straight up with him. He’s aware I’ve been dating Knight and just needs to get over it already. He said he was cool with being friends, but if he’s gonna act like that he can go shove it. Speaking of being straight up; I did “Nonchalantly” mention to Tristan I was going to to Davenport this weekend to see the guy i’ve been dating. He was surprised and said “I thought you said that wasn’t working out?” And I replied “What gave you that impression?” He responded “I overheard you talking to your sister saying he wanted an open relationship. I know you well enough, Mina Kaye. Thats just not you.” And I retorted. “Well darling, I’m afraid you must not know me at all.” Then, I briskly reminded him of how I was when we first met and how he changed me and guilted me. He didn’t have much to say after that.

Tristan and I once again taking really bad photos when we’ve been drinking.

Then today Patrick and I went to lunch at Subway. *Happy* I really love subway, then we went to Natural Inspirations (my rock shop jewelry store) And I stocked up on some Buddhism books. I’m on this search for peace and if there is a way to have that calm, safe feeling I have with Knight only all the time during my day-to-day living. A list included:
Introducing Buddhism
The Dark Side of the Light Chasers, Reclaiming your power, creativity, brilliance, and dreams
The Hookup Handbook, A Single Girls Guide to Living It Up (Looked funny and I can pass it on to my sister if it holds any value)
If The Buddha Dated, A Handbook for finding Love on a spiritual Path
Love Em‘ Or Lose Em’, Getting Good People to Stay (Figured it would help my insecure side)
The Illustrated Dictionary of Greek and Roman Mythology
Tao in Ten, Easy Lessons for Spiritual Growth
And Last
Zen Buddhism (What seems to be a very in-depth approach)

So I’m really looking forward to seeing what sort of enlightenment I may acquire from my new books.

Work should be good tomorrow as long as I can get to bed at a decent hour tonight. Tomorrow is also my first payday, so I’m slightly excited for that as well. As long as I have enough for cigarettes and to get me to Davenport I’ll be a happy little girl. I can’t wait to see him. 3 more days. I don’t even really want to do anything except just lay in bed and cuddle all day. Wish I had a smaller suitcase. There is no need for me to pack that much this time. It’s only a couple days and I’ll probably spend it in my pajamas anyway *giggles*

*sigh* To kiss his lips again will be the greatest sensation and pleasure.