“A kiss can be a comma, a question mark, or an exclamation mark.”
These are my legs, these my lips:
grace is punctuation. Not a question
you would ever think to ask, a word
none seek to define. I took his name
for me, lightly, a Parisian baise. Air or
cheek. Yes, I know its double meaning,
wear rouge and feathers and fantails
and not much else. You mutter.
” ‘Innocent Eyes’ on my tongue became ‘Innocent Asses.’ ”
Au clair de la lune: New York aglow
with my leaving. From the boat, it is
a giant cabaret, buildings shimmying
and waltzing. Oh, for stockings as fine
as night air. For silence, between my eye
and the camera. For the slippery moment of yes,
oui, oeil, eyes, asses. Assets. Nothing
innocent plays about my lips.
“I say ‘Come closer’ and draw them to me.”
For my legs, 500,000 francs. For my lovers,
kings and princes, singers and audiences and
no-one. Jeanne Bourgeois. I told no-one. Silent
in film after film, all that remains of me now
is nothing. A few photographs, vinyl whisperings,
a feather. Unmissed if unmistakable. Spoken for,
so to speak, by a chorus of those I thought
I’d left behind. Those who hold my train.
So I am down for the count today. I feel the sickness coming on so I resting in bed to prevent it. Put some peroxide in my ear in hopes that it will kill things before it gets too out of control and I’m sicker than a dog. Tomorrow I perform with Jerry and Holly and Dolly‘s as an actual gig so I’m hoping things go well, but I need to feel better for that to happen. I have a better grasp on life today than I have been feeling lately, but the questions are still running through my head. My self esteem the longer I’m here in Orlando seems to dwindle more day by day and I can’t seem to get a grasp on any of it. My life consists of me staying in bed on the computer all day, and I know thats not how I wanted to live my life. I want my actual band to start kicking off and actually play out, but its like they are beating around the bush and its taking much too long. Four months and counting. Seriously should be playing out by now. By the time we are doing well it will be time for Andrew and I to leave Orlando. I just really hope Austin will be better. My nervousness about meeting Andrews mom (Lisa) seems to have lessoned. I’m actually looking forward to possibly finding a friend in her. God knows I could use it. I’ve been so lonely here. Now the recent news is Lisa’s boyfriend is having a problem with me moving in. He’s fine if its just her son, but he doesn’t want us mooching. Which I understand, I think it may be more than that though. He seems cool from what I’ve heard, But there may be something else he’s scared of. I just can hope that I will win him over when I meet him. To me making friends with Andrew’s family is either the make it or break it point for our relationship. I will not be that dreaded daughter in law that people can’t stand and causes tensions between people.
On a positive note, my dishwasher is finally fixed. Doorbell woke me about 2:30 this afternoon. I was groggy but excited. I haven’t been cooking for Andrew because I don’t have a clean kitchen. I don’t have a clean kitchen because I refuse to wash dishes by hand. Not sure why most soaps bother my skin, but to hell with plastic gloves. I’m not going there. :P Gotta put your foot down somewhere. So, hopefully I’ll get some motivation past my sickness and load the dishes. I’ve been putting off the house for weeks now. It gets messier by the day. My laziness its getting out of hand, due to the vicious cycle of depression, low self esteem, then overwhelmed and lacking the motivation to fix it. Found a programI’m going to try for mental health and see if I Start improving. Also attempting to make a list of goals. Trying to picture that perfect designer life so I can start going for it!
Good morning to your from Cape Town, SA. You really make me go from worrying about you to totally elated when things go well, and back to worrying. I wish I was closer, I would take you and give you great big hugs because you deserve it. But I will be keeping my fingers crossed for you when you meet Andrew’s family, Im certain it should go fine so dont be too stressed about it. Bands do take time getting sorted out, that too will happen. Im sure you must have heard about “Doc Victor and the Rasta Rebels”, they started out as kids bashing about on tin drums and guitars made from oil cans…. I know this because I know them well, been friends for many years. But anyway, it took them too some time before all got sorted out and look where they are today. So my girl, keep believing in yourself and the goals you set, because I believe in you. Remember TAKE CARE ‘COS I CARE…. Have a great weekend.
Oh yes, if you cant do dishes by hand, pack all on the lawn and hose down…lol – I have not done this myself as I love washing dishes by hand, but it seems like a fun alternative..